Letters to the Editor
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What are the issues?
The LW talks about having anxieties about her father.
She should identify them and then decide how to talk to her father.
If she's worried if he's sick, ask him. If she's worried that she failed him as a daughter, ask him.
I think she's afraid that he'll die without her having fulfilled "her destiny" as his daughter. I think she's worried about alot of things she can't control and a few she can.
It doesn't sound like she talks to him much. If she wants to clear the air with him, she should sit down at a pre-arranged date with him and tell him what she's feeling, her worries and then listen to him.
Parents do die. Sometimes prematurely. She should not only talk to her father, but also a psychiatrist to identify why she's having all the anxiety attacks, and how to stop them.
Living life in future tense does not allow for living in the present.
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And: I've been having some low-level longings for a baby, these past years, and when it occurs to me that my father might not get to be a grandfather to my child, it breaks my heart.
Why are you generating heartbreaking outcomes to realities that do not exist?
He isn't sick, you aren't sterile and no one is dead. These are not the healthiest thought patterns. In fact, they are self-annihilating.
I feel for you LW. If only for the reason that you are living in a future fear. Skipping to the end of a novel unwritten -- a novel that assuredly has an unhappy ending, but only the way you are writing it in your imagination.
I have a similar relationship with my father(we are contemporaries), without the alcohol. It is strange the way things change and distance grows with time. I find we grow closer when I speak of what fuels my life. I like him to know what my dreams are, things we can be proud of. I talk to him about my goals, accomplishments. I reminisce about the times in his life when I have seen him shine with happiness. He is also happier when I am happy, healthy and sound -- sharing that happiness with him.
Stop killing your father in your mind. He must face his own mortality, and you must grieve that loss. That is not now. Start living the life of today. You haven't even framed his death in terms of your own loss. That is significant enough to look at much more closely if you intend to contemplate death. For whom are you living your life?
There are a lot of questions in life to answer, and gravitating to the ones you have no control over, asking life's question in terms of other people, that is an abdication of responsibility for living your day to day life to the fullest.
I get the sense you are playing a substitution game or some sort -- three-card-monte or follow-the-queen game -- and it matters not where the prize is hidden, as long as the reward is endless, unresolvable fear.
If you have a pattern of anxiety and have substituted parental relationship anxiety for romantic relationship anxiety, there is no time like the present for cognitive behavior therapy(CBT). One with a mindfulness component would be great. Therapy seems an easy out for an advice columnist, but with the situation described, it is really a no brainer.
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talk to him
I feel for you LW. Sometimes, when I'm not looking, those thoughts come on me too. My mom is a Type II diabetic... what if she gets really sick tomorrow? I'm only 24, but can allready feel the creeping hand of mortality reaching for those I love. What happens when we die? Isn't that a root of anxiety sometimes.
I'd say the best way to deal with these feelings is two fold:
1. Distract yourself. Don't dwell on it. Try to distance yourself from the feeling, and look at it like you're someone else. A lot of time stuff like this isn't rational but we feel it anyway. Ride it out.
2. Talk to the people you are worried about losing. Have a frank discussion with your dad. Raise some of the issues. Not all at once, cause that'd be overwhelming in the extreme, but maybe 1 or 2 at a time. Ask him if he worries about death. Ask him about how he felt when HIS parents died. Sometimes realising that other people have been through the things you fear, and are fine, can help you stop fearing them.
3. Sounds lame, but keep a journal. Sometimes writing about your fears and anxiety can help you get a handle on what is really important to you, and ways of dealing with it. Writing itself is theraputic. When your thoughts swirl and clash and you begin to panic, writing forces you to order them, and stand back from them, so they can't get out of control.
Best of luck.
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Please see a doctor (if you haven't already)
Anyone who has night terrors and who screams out loud at the thought of death should see a doctor. Your extreme level of anxiety could be due to an organic illness. If so, no amount of advice about how (or whether) to talk to your father is going to help.
Please, Daughter, if you haven't already seen a doctor about this problem, do it as soon as you can.
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So anxious, you make me anxious
Reading your letter was like trying to sort through snarled yarn. Are you aware that you are not clearly communicating your problem?
There was no way that I could sort it all out. However, two sentences struck me. The first is:
"For the first time in my life, I have a good relationship with a man I really love."
The second sentence is:
"For the first time in years, I've been having the mortal terrors again at night."
See how both of these sentences begin with the same words. You have two things that are happening at the same time. I do not believe these things are unrelated or you would not have begun these sentences, which are nearly juxtaposed, with the exact same words.
From there, the rest of your letter seems to be a product of a racing mind. Have you ever heard that term "racing mind" before? I think this problem is something to which you should pay serious attention. Someone has suggested CBT but I don't think we can be sure that you are not already in therapy. Let us only hope that some family physician did not just hand you a prescription and say "Go and worry no more."
Clearly, you need some help to sort out the anxieties that seem to be coming toward you like rushing headlights, so some sort of therapy may be in order, but I don't want to assume too much. You do not say how you previously dealt with the night terrors.
Instead, I have a few questions. Have you recently and abruptly stopped taking an SSRI medication? Have you not been in a relationship at all in some time? Have you recently been a victim of some sort of crime or other significant upheaval? Have you recently completed a graduate degree? Are you trying to control your drinking without acknowledging that you may need help to do so?
I think you need to think in terms of what is triggering this. Is your father the issue? It certainly seems that he may be, but what triggered all this when you say nothing about your father being unwell? So he's sixty. So what? Look around you. There are many, many men who live past sixty.
Now you say your father seems to be reaching out to you. Why does that scare you?
I think you get where I am going here: Look for the trigger of these feelings. Maybe you should not do this alone. Maybe you need someone (a psychologist perhaps) to help you unravel some of the snarls in your mind.
The most important thing is not to grab at another life change as a solution. You are already dealing with enough. Put any baby thoughts on hold until you not only calm your anxiety but also discover what is causing it.