Letters to the Editor
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So anxious, you make me anxious
Reading your letter was like trying to sort through snarled yarn. Are you aware that you are not clearly communicating your problem?
There was no way that I could sort it all out. However, two sentences struck me. The first is:
"For the first time in my life, I have a good relationship with a man I really love."
The second sentence is:
"For the first time in years, I've been having the mortal terrors again at night."
See how both of these sentences begin with the same words. You have two things that are happening at the same time. I do not believe these things are unrelated or you would not have begun these sentences, which are nearly juxtaposed, with the exact same words.
From there, the rest of your letter seems to be a product of a racing mind. Have you ever heard that term "racing mind" before? I think this problem is something to which you should pay serious attention. Someone has suggested CBT but I don't think we can be sure that you are not already in therapy. Let us only hope that some family physician did not just hand you a prescription and say "Go and worry no more."
Clearly, you need some help to sort out the anxieties that seem to be coming toward you like rushing headlights, so some sort of therapy may be in order, but I don't want to assume too much. You do not say how you previously dealt with the night terrors.
Instead, I have a few questions. Have you recently and abruptly stopped taking an SSRI medication? Have you not been in a relationship at all in some time? Have you recently been a victim of some sort of crime or other significant upheaval? Have you recently completed a graduate degree? Are you trying to control your drinking without acknowledging that you may need help to do so?
I think you need to think in terms of what is triggering this. Is your father the issue? It certainly seems that he may be, but what triggered all this when you say nothing about your father being unwell? So he's sixty. So what? Look around you. There are many, many men who live past sixty.
Now you say your father seems to be reaching out to you. Why does that scare you?
I think you get where I am going here: Look for the trigger of these feelings. Maybe you should not do this alone. Maybe you need someone (a psychologist perhaps) to help you unravel some of the snarls in your mind.
The most important thing is not to grab at another life change as a solution. You are already dealing with enough. Put any baby thoughts on hold until you not only calm your anxiety but also discover what is causing it.