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• Thursday, May 3, 2007 05:01 AM

  NOT and open book

  Wow, I'm really surprised by all the letters from married people who champion the "open book" relationship. Whatever happened to one's own secret garden? I'm with the LW on this one; if I didn't have an outlet to vent my negative feelings, I'd be one negative person in real life.

  I've been married twice and in both relationships there was the unspoken agreement that each of us has thoughts, feelings, desires that are none of the other spouse's business. Who says that in order for a marriage to work we have to share everything with the other person? Good lord, I think my two ex-husbands were more interesting people given their cultivation of said secret space.

  That said, I have to support Cary on this, lock up your secret space. It's too easy and compelling to open up a diary and start reading. I've done it many times myself (bad me!). However, I've never, ever copped to reading my lover's, daughter's, best friend's journals. If I snooped, I'm the one who's bad and I want to keep up the illusion of mystery between me and them. So shame on the LW's husband for admitting he read her journal. He should have kept mum and known that she doesn't feel that way anymore or if she does, well he needs to wait for her to bring the subject up.

  For me, having the room to have a secret space is, in itself, a demonstration of trust. Knowing my SO is at peace with me working out my most private issues alone, whether it's about him or not is the greatest source of comfort to me. Trusting me enough to let me have the space to explore or vent and knowing that I will always come back to him and the real world is what a solid relationship is based on.

  LW if you don't want your spouse to read your diaries, please lock them up. If, in fact, you secretly do want him to read them, by all means leave them laying around. He's the bad one for reading them and then confronting you about the information inside. If he feels he has the right to read them (this isn't clear in your letter, and a very important point in my book) then that's a whole 'nother ball of wax and good luck to you with that.

  —En Provence Read En Provence's other letters
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