Letters to the Editor
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As someone who has been there
What makes this hard is that people have a tendancy to believe that what you write in private reflects your *true* feelings, and no matter what you say, they don't trust that you are being honest. It's understandable that people feel this way -- we often hide our true feelings to keep the peace, to be polite, to hide the fearful and ugly sides of ourselves. And when you say "I didn't mean it" about your private writing, well, why would you lie in private writing?
I'm not saying your husband will never trust you again. I'm just saying that this could be very difficult because you need him to believe that those words don't reflect your true feelings. They reflect what you felt in one moment, and those feelings were influenced by your fears and insecurity -- they were really about you, as much as they were about him.
In your situation, I might say something like this to him. I might say something like, "I know it's hard not to take my private journal very seriously. I know you won't believe that I didn't mean it. I completely understand why you would worry that my journal might contain my true feelings about you, that you can't trust what I say to your face. So I want to show you this entry from October, this entry from March, all of these entries where I wrote in my journal that I love you and and adore you... these were my private thoughts, too, and they are the truth."
If we are honest, we all know that we have unattractive thoughts, even about the people we love. These thoughts come in bursts of fear and insecurity and irritation... they come when we feel tired and emotional, when we feel frustrated. They bounce around our minds as we struggle to function each day. They don't reflect "the truth" about us, they reflect that it's fucking hard to be human. Nobody feels good all of the time. If you can talk to him honestly about all of this, make him understand, I think you will be okay.