Letters to the Editor
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You still have time
I was in exactly your position a few years ago. My brother and sister-in-law and just had the first grandchild in our family and I was over the moon for that little girl. I have never felt a connection to a child like I still feel with her (she is now 8 1/2). I wanted a child, but I did not want to have the child alone (I could not imagine how hard that would be, also my circumstances just did not allow it). Also, I really wanted to stay at home and raise my child. I never thought I would be able to do that.
Two years ago, I met my future husband (I was 38) and got pregnant (surprise!) and got married all in the space of about 4 months. I know how flaky that sounds, but it is the real deal. He is the one I was looking for, we have the baby and the marriage and have started our own business, so I can raise my child and work for our own company.
I guess what I am saying is that if you want to be closer to your nieces and nephews, you should to that. I can't express the joy that raising a child brings. It is the most challenging AND the most rewarding job I have every had. My life is so much bigger and more important than it ever has been. And, as a side benefit, I am happier and have a sense of peace that I have never known. To have found this at this point in my life is nothing short of miraculous.
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As a parent, I read this letter with horror....
Before you decide to dedicate your life to helping to raise your sisters' kids, you need to have long and careful conversations with your sisters AND with thier husbands to understand what the boundaries are, and recognize that YOU have NO POWER to insist on more authority or access to the kids than they decide that you should have, and that they have the right to re-draw those boundaries at any time.
My siblings and I have had vastly different experiences of our family of origin and don't have anything close to the same opinion of it, and the same is true of my wife. You might be stunned to learn what your sisters and their husbands want in a family, how they plan to raise it, what their belief systems are....and you'd be a fool to decide that you can influence them.
If one of my siblings or my wife's siblings decided to do this, we'd be horrified and opposed to it and work carefully to ensure safe boundaries for our kids. Think that over carefully. You're not going to be a part of their nuclear families, not a part of the key decisions, and it's their right to push you out of any interaction or even decide that your influence on the kids is bad for them in situation A or B, when you believe you know what's best and want to be there.
I'm sorry to be so negative. I think your dedication to these kids is awesome, but I think you need to acknowledge that it's not up to you what role you play in thier lives, and it can change on you without notice or input from you. It strikes me as dangerous to try to find fulfillment in something like that.
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No, you don't have to be a mommy
Speaking as a mom who doesn't have family support at all but would love to have that, and whose child would love to have that, I would totally encourage the letter writer to do what she wants. It's important for people to remember that it's their life. What society expects from them really doesn't matter a whole lot. You cannot spend your life living up to the expectations of others, otherwise you never really get to enjoy it. If living near your sisters and their children makes you happy, then go do that. If travelling makes you happy, then go do that. And remember, you might go live with them, get your fill, and then you might decide to move again. Nothing wrong with that either. But as a parent, I think it's great.
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Rosewood,
well said. All love is a risk. I am not gay, and I never had a biological clock to tick. I have never been interested in children - animals yes, children no. But I have been in a wonderful relationship with a terrific man for almost seven years. When we started dating (we had known each other socially for a number of years), his children were ages 12, 15, and 19. I went from being childless to dealing with teenagers to - coming up here very soon - being an empty nester as the last one goes off to college.
I have NEVER tried to be a step parent to these children. I have tried to be a sounding board, a role model, an advocate, and a fan - depending on their needs and desires. It has mostly been a wonderful experience. And I wonder about the future: If my relationship with their father ends for any reason, what happens to the relationship I have with his children? But that is love and life.
And to those posters who are barating this LW for not having her own children: There are many ways to give and promote life, short of spitting out your own biological offspring. If she thinks IN WHATEVER TERMS SHE HAS OF EXPRESSING that she should not have children or does not want to have children, then leave her be. She knows better than you. Thank God she is opting out of the gene pool. More people should
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You're Opting Out
You're opting out of your life, LW. I'm guessing things didn't go as you planned? The marriage didn't work. The job kinda sucks. Now you're abdicating responsibility for turning that around to the seemingly greater cause of raising children -- who aren't even yours.
Congratulations on the midlife crisis. At halftime, you feel you're losing the game so you want to take your ball and go home. You wouldn't be the first. In fact, that's what most do.
A better plan would be to keep fighting for your authentic life, however difficult that may be. There are people who want children and people who want to sail pirate ships. They aren't the same people. And you won't be happy on land for long.