Letters to the Editor
-
How much "opting out" are you planning on?
I read "opt out" as "stay home," to be honest, and if you're thinking about *that* level of involvement, you definitely need to talk to your sibs first.
But if you just mean as far as ditching some concept of "success" for a life where you can live near your family members and spend time with them? Nothing wrong with that at all, and I seriously doubt anyone will fault you for it. I grew up living fairly near my grandparents and one aunt. That aunt would often come and stay with my grandparents on weekends--she lived about an hour and a half or two hours away, generally--and we did a lot of things as a group. I don't know if she ever wishes she'd had a family of her own, but I'm definitely glad to have been able to spend so much time with her, and I wish my other aunts had lived nearer so I could have seen them more than once or twice a year.
But she did still have a career. It wasn't one that was generally thought of as lucrative, but because she had no kids of her own, she drives a nice car, she has a nice condo, she goes on nice vacations. She's not wealthy by any stretch, but she lives very comfortably with her two cats, and my brother and I still see her all the time. It's definitely not what everybody wants out of life, but it's not a bad deal at all.
-
Sure, do it, but don't neglect your own life
Your plan is all very nice, but I'm baffled why you seem to think you would have to give up your career to do it?
Because I can't see at all how "being there" as an Aunt for your nieces and nephews is going to take up so much of your time that you can't pursue a career. Also, in 10 or 12 years or so, these kids are all going to want to do their own things and not spend as much time with you. What will you do then?
Could it be that your plan, which you refer to in such an extreme way as "opting out" etc, is a mechanism for you to escape the pressures and anxiety of being on your own after your divorce?
By all means, babysit and attend the kids' recitals! But don't forget that you still have to take care of your own life.
Like it or not, you better work now so you can build up your career so you have something to retire on later. Because your nice sisters' families are unlikely to pay for that no matter how much babysitting you do. And you should probably not neglect developing relationships with adult friends unrelated to your family, including finding another lover eventually. All adults need more interactions than just children and family.
-
Aunts can be awesome!
My aunts were very important to me. Two of them never married (for long anyways) and they were a bit eccentric, of course, but wonderful in their way. They did things with me, like tromping aroound in the swamp catching salamanders, fishing, lunch at The Carlysle, being there, talking etc., that my parents never would. Through the years of school, my marriage, having kids they were someone else to share all that with, someone else to write to and think of at Christmas, to visit. They really added pieces to the puzzle of ME and I think I added to their lives as well. In the end, one of my aunts left me a considerable sum of money when she died for which I am incredibly, unbelievably grateful. As a single mom with three kids, that gesture has made a huge difference in my life. I hope she is up in heaven (or somewhere nice) knowing what good she did, how meaningful her life really was.
-
An old adage from grandma
This reminds me of the veiled complaint that my grandmother who moved to be near us growing up voiced:
"If you want to see your grandchildren enough, you just might have to see them too much."
There will be a magical moment when being in constant contact will be tiresome. But that is also the case for parents.
-
I totally agree with LW and Cary
Sounds to me like the LW is opting IN. Into the human race by wanting to make a commitment to her own kin.
I'm a mid-40s "career gal" -- not. I don't care about a career, but I've managed to get to a 6-figure salary without devoting too much time to my work. I decided when I was young that I didn't want to be pregnant and bear a child, and I'm fine with that (never heard that ticking clock, simply didn't have one). I have a great live-in boyfriend who is fine with not having kids, and a fun life, but if I had a sister or brother who had children, I'd definitely want to spend lots of my free time with them all. I'm lucky to have a big extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins and I truly value our "clan" relationships. I can't see anything wrong with this LW's plan, just as long as the parents of the kids are ok with it. Most would probably welcome some free childcare.
-
The Bigger Question is Will You Fit In
There is a huge issue here that the letter writer never seems to fully (or partially) process: How/will she fit into the nuclear families that she intends to use (help?) to satisfy what appears to be a life crisis.
The "helpful aunt" is a nice notion in the abstract, but these families may not want her involvement at the level she seems to intend. I can say as a parent that I wouldn't. This is especially true given the fact that she seems to be approaching her nieces and nephews as more of a "fix my life and fill an emotional void" project than anything else. I can see their are altruistic motives as well, but there is a real danger that she will be an intrusive burden to these families and friction will develop.
If kids are the answer, then have your own kids and they can interact and grow with their cousins. If you don't want to pursue that role, then attaching yourself as a quasi-parent to the other families will be only a temporary solution to your life crisis, a complete failure, or both.