Letters to the Editor
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Wonder Woman Hope You're Still Reading Thanks for the Research
I only got to check out more posts just now. Your post certainly puts the quote about happiness into an admirable context. Thanks for pulling together all those sources.
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flyover
Aren't you sweet{smiling}. Yes, I do follow threads of interest to the grave -- but not to wait for any obligatory response on your part.
I'm happy to have a chance to share (it comes from inside!) and am doubly glad you enjoyed the elaboration. Another interested writer was elegant in her brevity which left me feeling a little overdone. Take care.
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children
Your sisters' children are important, but what about adopting a child of your own and working hard to make his or her life be as good as it can be? Your sisters' children could be their extended family too, and you could all still help each other with your time and energy and good will, and financially if possible.
Also it sounds like you might want to re-train to get another job, possibly with children, such as kindergarten teacher, which would give you a decent schedule and probably be much more satisfying of an outlet for your kindness and wish to be of use to children than the job you have now...
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LW - I made this choice already
I did exactly what you wanted to do and my experience was both wonderful and heartbreaking.
Helping my sister raise her sons was wonderful for 16 years - years that I would never trade for a million dollars.
And then they became teenagers, grew up, and began exploring their own independence.
And while this was the goal all along, it still left a huge hole.
If I had to do it all over again, I would have had my own babies.
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Aunts and parents
There's a lot of concern here about what the parents/sisters might think, dare this loving single aunt center her life on "their" children. But ya know, parents don't know everything. Parents get divorced, have affairs, full-time jobs; they fight, get cancer, join cults...parents are subject to all the woes and frailties of any human being.
This is why in the course of normal civilization (not including ours) there's been no such thing as the nuclear family. LW, you could do no greater favor for your nieces and nephews than to "be there" as an aunt, as the person who takes them for exactly what they are, rather than what their parents dream/want/insist they can or should be. The person they can tell their secrets to, and know they will be safe. An aunt or uncle or grandparent stands in a special place, a little near, a little far--this is not a place of power, but a place of simple love. Nothing is owed, nothing is demanded. It is simply given, out of love and joy, from both sides.
Oh, the parents, yes. They drive everyone crazy. It may be bittersweet and difficult sometimes, when you watch the pointless pain that well-meaning and/or selfish parents can dish out, while you must stand silently by and watch, but to be able to provide that quiet, trusted place of acceptance is worth it.
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My Aunts were and are an important part of my life
I have to add to MMStewart's post - my aunts have been a driving force in my life for as long as I can remember, even the ones with kids. LW, what you are doing is noble and not in the least bit lame. If it makes you feel anymore consoled, due to the good fortune of having my aunts instrumental to my upbringing, I'll be returning the good karma in less than a year when I move closer to my oldest sister who has a wonderful son just to be closer to him and help raise him while I further my studies and career. She's excited about the help and he's attached to me as well. So I'll be in the same boat as you and it never occurred to me that my actions are lame. Growing up, my aunts were a close part of my family and helped raised us. Some married late and went on to have kids of their own who I'm also close to as well. I moved to Canada a few years ago and the only close relatives I have here are my aunts. Though I'm in my late 20's their maternal presence is what really made a difference in my life. You never outgrow the comfort of a nurturing person who eventually becomes a friend - that's always what my aunts were and I attribute that (along with my parents) as a stable force in my life. Think of it this way, will your neices and nephews think your actions are lame in years to come? Speaking from a person who's close to her aunts, I can attest there's a great likelihood they will think it was the exact opposite of lame.
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Follow your passion
The relationship of a parent with a child can sometimes be tinged with overwhelm, because it is a 24/7 job that few skate through gracefully. Blessed are the children who have a relationship with another, childless, adult. That adult is more likely to relate to them as a person, without that tinge of overwhelm. It is truely a blessing. I speak from the perspective of a single mom of a beautiful girl who had a few of my friends become my daughter's special friends. Magic can happen with this situation. And so much the better that you are part of the family. Have a great time with those kids.
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Silly me...
When I read the title "Do I have to be a mommy to 'opt out'", I assumed that the letter was written by a man.
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Aunting is Fun - and you don't have to opt out
My sister and I are only 13 months apart. We were raised like twins, dressed alike and all that jazz, so we've always been very close.
When she got pregant at 19, I knew that I was going to be babysitting quite a lot, and I'm so glad I put in that time. But I didn't have to miss out on anything in life to do it. I graduated from college and today have a lucrative career. My sister, now mother of three, has just recently graduated from nursing school.
I was married for 10 years, then divorced. We never felt a real need to have kids, and I have no regrets. I always had my nephews and niece. When I felt that urge for a kid, I went over and borrowed them for a while, let my sister and her husband have a date night. Then the urge passed, and I went back home to my clean house and my cat and enjoyed the contrast of peace to joyful noise.
I didn't have to give up every weekend to be close to my sister's kids. I lived my life and visited a few times a month and called a lot. I came to all the birthdays and holidays. When I go to my sister's house and walk in (I have a key), the kids all yell "May May!" the special moniker given to me by the first child (now 16) who couldn't pronouce my name, and I feel the satisfaction and glow of all the time I put in. I'm on the emergency call list at all the schools, but that isn't stopping me from going to Australia for a month next week.
Aunting (the verb) is great fun. But you don't have to give anything up to do it. Be a good example to those kids and live the fullest life you can, while teaching them what you learn, and loving them unconditionally. If more people made the effort to devote such time to their own families, we might have fewer social problems. It's not selfish at all, it's your little bit of saving the world.