Letters to the Editor
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being a side-kick aunt/uncle
I have 4 nieces and 1 nephew. To my sis I try to 1) give money (disguised as Xmas cash gifts for each child and them which I have parents dole out over year) since they need money (and this reinforces how division of labor and families work, they have to put careeers second and I don't so I can help them adn they feel some niceness back for this) and this balances playing field so not just I can afford cool gifts and activities though parents due to work/wiping diapers really have done schockinly little cool stuff with kids so I feel good every month going to downtown/or lake/or local cave/or science museum since kids are only young once and they should learn to love world which is what aunt/uncle can help with, 2) realize that I should try to be kind to non-related kids which I know is 10 times harder but there are kids more in need (so far all I do is talk to kids at work knowing their single 20 year old mother can't know as much as I do or have as much time), 3) know I escaped the first 4 years of kids lives of pooping lots and not talking so know the parents are heroes I am just a sidekick but a helpful and maybe wonderful one, 4) continue to know I know little but still try to puzzle out this whole woman-man-procreation-society-pessism puzzle as I try to figure out what to do with life (I am in the legal system which is super sad and depressing). I think 90% of people do the parent-married-not-enough-time-for-kids route, so it is good a few people try to provide other attitude/type-of-relationship to kids, becoming a parent does hamper doing other things so I haven't made this choice yet.
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refocus
i found this letter creepy. i have had a few friends like her who are drifting through life and then attach themselves to a situation already structured . how easy it seems and wonderful for everyone because this is a caring situation. instead you become a victim in someones elses life drama of incompetence. thirty or so is just too young to think like this. with her sense of not liking the working world or whatever what kind of message would she be passing on to the kids. here comes auntie- could become a bad refrain for all in a few years. you have to have something to give to these families besides a feeling of 'family', which already sounds very mushy and not well thought out. if this were a man, how would you feel? but with a woman somehow the entire turn of the conversation and advice is different. it shouldnt be. one doesnt dole out ones kids to the family. one can become the incompetent fool in this generational pool real fast. watch out. the advice given here is not good. try harder to make your own life work. there is plenty of time .
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Dear Letter Writer -
I take Cary's point, in a follow-your-bliss kind of way. I arrive at a similar point, but more round-about, with cautions.
I know someone who in following his bliss is falling to many of his worst reactive inclinations. This is someone into self-improvement, as well, so his blindness is a little creepy.
In reading your letter I'm hearing a lot of trying to fulfill yourself by helping others. Helping others is healthy if at first you're fulfilled. But if you're acting out of your unhappiness,...
You talk about "the unlikely and meaningless circumstances of being alive on a planet". This is not happy talk. But it is precisely the unlikeliness of our being alive on a planet, the rare precious fewness of it, that gives it meaning; that here we have our short time to experience our days. It is not an either/or proposition, either aunt or do one of many other things. (Dysfunctional thinking?) You can do a number of them at approximately the same time. But if you are not operating out of your core, your found core, if you are not often in the one and only moment of experiencing vital life, it may well be pissing in the wind.
Not that you can't do aunting while you're straightening things out. The cautions of other letter writers are germaine, of course. But if you're helping while you're unhappy - Well, do you have it firmly in mind that helping others to do what they can or should be doing for themselves only helps their abilities atrophy? There's a word for that. Do you understand the ramifications of a needy person trying to fulfill others' needs to get one's own needs met? the round-about danger of it? Central is to give freely with no strings attached.
Is there addiction in your family?
Your heart's in the right place. Yes, it can be followed. It also knows, though, to go to places you might want to avoid.
Best,
Monty
(more, for free: google "Rabid Fanatic" +"Monty Johnston")
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I wish my sister would come opt out with me!
I have a sister in your shoes ... My other and I both have two young kids and live in the West... our unmarried mid-30s career sister lives on the East Coast... She comes to visit a couple times a year and loves our kids but I sure wish she'd opt out of her high-powered moneymoneymoney job and come live with us out here... My kids would love it, my sister's kids would love it ...
Sniff sniff.
Go for it! (I do agree with those who warn: Don't entirely neglect your own life. Pursue hobbies, pastimes, interesting career paths, whatever... No 13-year-old I know would rather hang out with his Auntie than with his friends).
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stay near what makes your heart sing: those kidsq
I'm in a somewhat similar situation, I would have to move to a bigger city if I wanted to move up careerwise. At an earlier point in my career, I might have. But know, since I know I won't have kids of my own, I need to stay near my nephews. If I had kids, I could move them with me, but since I don't, I've chosen to stay near my nephews over further career advancement.
If you moved and worked on your career, they could lay you off tomorrow and then where would you be. ONly family will be there for you even when you stop making money.