Letters to the Editor
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Cary's dead on
Had a smilar, albeit not life-threatening, experience with a formerly very close friend. I lent him my car, he returned it with a nail in the tire, but didn't realize since it was a slow leak. When I went to drive the car home (I was bartending, he dropped it off at work) the tire was completely flat. I cabbed home. When we discussed it the next day, he was so concerned about avoiding the cost of any repair on my car that he forgot to even say, "Sorry I returned your car with a flat tire." He also didn't offer help me deal with getting it fixed, which would have helped me out a lot. Ultimately, it only cost about ten bucks to patch the tire, but all day to accomplish, a day I spent vowing never to loan my car to anyone ever again.
Same situation here, where a friend fails an ethical test because he's too concerned about his own side of the issue. The only answer is, sadly, you gotta write the person off. Espcially in a life/death situation. Most friends, you may never know how they'll respond in a real crisis. This guy has already informed you that he WILL let you down. Lose him.
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my suspicion is that it's all over town that letterwriter blames joe for her BF's fall ...
and this is why Joe is righteously pissed off ... She thought Joe was wonderful at first ... then the reality, boredom and tedium of the recovery process set in ... actually, it's fairly classic post-trauma assign-blame behavior
She decided to write Cary when her BF failed to agree with her ... Perhaps he told Joe he'd reimburse for expenses, maybe?
When I read the blurb on this letter, I wondered WTF is this woman interfering in her BF's relationship with a friend ... it's a question begging an answer ...
I'm always a bit suspicious in letters like this where the opinion of "significant other" (in this case also the "injured party" and the person who received the invoice) is missing.
The next question is, what does your BF think?
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Hey, flowerofhighrank
Speaking as a former Ultimate (not "Extreme," thank you) Frisbee player who knows lots of climbers, we don't want this guy either. Many of the people I know who play Ultimate have broken bones, torn their ACLs, or sustained other serious injuries during games. All of them have needed--and gotten--lots of help from teammates after the injuries. Granted, Ultimate is not anywhere near as potentially dangerous as climbing, but we don't need responsibility-shirking jerks playing with us. People need to be able to rely on their teammates and their belay partners alike.
Chess might be more his speed.
Go Red Scare! http://www.uidaho.edu/clubs/ultimate/
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I have been a "Joe"
Five years ago I had a momentary lapse in judgement which resulted in the somewhat serious injury of a friend's young child (I wasn't keeping an eye on a situation I should have). The child is fine, and the physical scars are fading as time passes. My reaction was total shock as they sped the boy to the emergency room. I took some time and then called my friend to apologize profusely, offer to pay any and all hospital charges, and ask if there was anything I could do. That call was incredibly difficult to make. I had no idea what was going on at that point; how badly the child was hurt, exactly how much I was to blame (the child did something that would seem stupid to an adult, but he didn't and couldn't have know better), if my friend could ever forgive me. If I had had an ounce less character, I may not have called at all.
I can't even describe how horribly I've felt since it happened. I also know that despite repeated, sincere apology, his wife will never forgive me and things will never be the same between us. However - all I want, and all my friend has wanted, from day one, is for things to return to exactly how they were before the accident. We've had conversations about it. We want to put it completely behind us. My initial reaction to this letter is that Joe is trying to just get things back to normal. That he would have sent the bill anyway, so he is trying to act like nothing happened to get the friendship back on track. Keep in mind that all of this has been traumatic for him too.
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rachel
I never said don't judge. Judgment is a key pillar of Kant's philosophy. His ethics have quite a bit in common with Buddhist ethics. From a Buddhist perspective there is no such thing as 'virtuous anger' or 'righteous indignation', but anger does have an origin and an end. I raised a few of many possible questions for introspection(contemplation) about where the anger arises from.
More thinkers on ethics and anger.
Spinoza's Ethics "...the passions of hatred, anger, envy, and so on,considered in themselves, follow from this same necessity and efficacy of nature; they answer to certain definite causes, through which they are understood, and possess certain properties as worthy of being known as the properties of anything else, whereof the contemplation in itself affords us delight."
Aristole's Nichomachean Ethics "Again, what is the difference in respect of involuntariness between errors committed upon calculation and those committed in anger? Both are to be avoided, but the irrational passions are thought not less human than reason is, and therefore also the actions which proceed from anger or appetite are the man's actions. It would be odd, then, to treat them as involuntary. "
As you can see from the sections in bold, there is a tradition of ethics that advocates contemplation and personal responsibility for anger. Hope that helps you understand where I am coming from.
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Anonymous, you did the right thing
I took some time and then called my friend to apologize profusely, offer to pay any and all hospital charges, and ask if there was anything I could do. That call was incredibly difficult to make.
That was the right thing to do, and you did it even though it was incredibly difficult. Joe did none of those things and tried to bill his friend. You are a mature adult who takes responsibility for your actions. Joe isn't.
It's too bad the wife can't forgive you. I hope you and your friend can find a way to repair the friendship, even if it can't be the same as it was before the accident.