Letters to the Editor
-
Cary!!!!! What the hell???????
I'm not going to get into trying to resolve the ethical matter, which if examined in detail may be a little complicated.
This is exactly what you're supposed to do. Indeed, what your column is predicated on! And you just sidestep it in one sentence?
I appreciate the experienced climbers willing to offer advice. I have no experience climbing, and no close friends who climb, so I wondered what the ethics of the situation were. While there's not complete agreemement on this, I have a clearer picture of the issues involved. Thanks.
-
What is the right thing to do here?
Limiting your contact with this man will not help you become a person who deals skilfully with strong emotions.
Give your boyfriend an opportunity to express his feelings about the events from his own perspective. If your boyfriend feels wronged, support him in changing or ending the relationship. If he doesn't, accept that he is more tolerant than you and find out why.
Ultimately, this isn't about you, your anger, your ethics, or what is acceptable to you. It is about trust, and trust in a relationship that predates yours. Your boyfriend trusted this man, therefore the buck stops with him.
As far as you are concerned, you have effectively communicated a level of outrage that is rather striking. The level of your anger(ferocity) suggests this man has set off something very deep and unrelated to the accident. Old circumstances maybe lurking beneath these events.
The absence of discussion of your boyfriend's thoughts and feelings, or those of any other members of the "bunch" on the same trip is remarkable. This is all about you. Find out why you feel this way. At what point did you first begin to judge other's ethics? Who else has let you down? Who have you watched take the easy way out? When did you lack the luxury of shirking responsibility? Why is this so important to you?
Joe's character has nothing to do with the skill with which you handle your emotions. Be responsible for your emotions. Own them with far reaching understanding of their origin. That is the right thing to do.
-
wonder woman, you must have very shallow relationships
if you can't realize that her boyfriend, her love relationship, the strongest we have, nearly died! and you think she hasn't the right to question his relationship with joe merely because it *predates* theirs? where are you living?
-
david sugarman
David,
Your tone is inflammatory and rude. If you address me again I will not respond.
if you can't realize that her boyfriend, her love relationship, the strongest we have, nearly died!
That isn't even what she is mad about. You should take up the issue of threat to life vs offended ethics in a letter to the LW.
and you think she hasn't the right to question his relationship with joe merely because it *predates* theirs? where are you living?
You clearly do not understand what I wrote at all. She never questioned their relationship. The entire letter is about her relationship to this man and his behavior. I have no idea where you took the analysis above from, but it wasn't in the text of my letter.
-
what planet are you on wonder woman
sometimes strong emotions that get the better of us serve a purpose! like helping up figure out who the hell is bad news and who we need to stay away from. not all strong emotional reactions are caused by a traumatic childhood, subconscious projection, or symptomatic of being "unskilled" in dealing with emotional issues, for christsakes.
-
here's where i got it
"It is about trust, and trust in a relationship that predates yours. Your boyfriend trusted this man, therefore the buck stops with him.". she's OBVIOUSLY talked to him - he still wants to trust his friend, she knows it's a mistake, and understandably can't get over it. you want to see rude? look at this - "At what point did you first begin to judge other's ethics? Who else has let you down? Who have you watched take the easy way out? When did you lack the luxury of shirking responsibility? Why is this so important to you?" as for "Be responsible for your emotions. Own them with far reaching understanding of their origin. That is the right thing to do." - physician, heal thyself.
-
thanks, venusluv43, you are the *real* "wonder woman"
defending a guy just because he's right. (ok, i just put that in)
-
venusluv
I agree with you about strong emotions generally. I am writing about what I have read in this letter. If we have differing opinions about the value of introspection in dealing with emotions, positive or negative -- that's fine.
Philosophically, I believe anger is a destructive emotion. This is a perspective common in Buddhist psychology. Others believe anger can be a force for good works.
Righteous indignation is often a socially acceptable outlet for anger and other unattractive emotions that cannot be 'ethically' expressed freely.
We all have priorities, and in the course of this letter the LW sorted out her feelings about head injuries and money and was left with ferocious anger about ethics. Those priorities come from somewhere. I think a visit to her ideological roots is worthwhile.
As far as these dialogues, debates and attempts to put me on the defensive go -- I'm not really interested in them at all. Many of the letters so far skirted the issue of her intense anger(her primary motivation for writing to Cary), so I addressed this as I saw fit. Take care.
-
LW's issues....
Many people here are picking over whether or not it's fair or right for LW to be "butting in" or getting int he middle of the issue between her bf and Joe. The fall was between joe and the bf. This is true.
However, LW is not asking what her bf should do with Joe in his life. She's not asking if her bf should be mad or upset at Joe. She doesn't even mention how her bf feels about all this. Rightfully so. Cause she's trying to deal with HER emotions about the matter, not her boyfriend's. She's trying to figure our how SHE should feel about Joe, about what she should do with him in HER life. That is not between Joe and the bf.
Her bf and Joe may work it out just fine, leaving no risidual issues in the friendship. Still, LW has the right to her own opinion of the guy based on behavior she witnessed. She does have her own relationship with him. You don't necessarily want to wait for someone to do you harm before you steer clear of him. It's smarter to watch them with others and learn before they get the chance.