Letters to the Editor
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Man,
but that is cold for Joe not to say "I'm sorry that this happened." I wouldn't say that the accident is his fault, it sounds like he did need more instruction/practice nearer the ground to ensure he knew what he was doing, but sheesh, expressing sympathy for his friend was in order.
I don't know about the money arrangement, if Joe is strapped for cash or what, but a phone call or a conversation about it in person would have been a lot kinder.
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Chicago sang that song... what was it called...hmmm...
C'mon people. Reading banter between some of these respondents is like watching Jerry Springer!
The guy has no class b/c he had the audacity to send a bill to a guy with possible head trauma. THAT is a jerk move, no matter what his circumstance may be.
Also, he didn't apologize. Geesh, all it would have taken was a heartfelt,
"I'm sorry."
Wasn't that easy?
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Joe's a dick, and should not have been involved in any of this...
LW's boyfriend made a tragic, near-fatal mistake: he assumed that the guy holding the rope knew what he was doing.
When you get into an airplane, you don't just assume that the pilot has training; you fly on commercial carriers that guarantee that assumption. (Yes, dicks fly planes, and when they do, it's national news.)
When you go to the symphony, you don't just assume that the conductor knows how to conduct an orchestra. You read reviews, do word-of-mouth, and don't buy tickets when the composer is conducting his own work.
When you go to India for business, you don't assume that there are no food-borne illnesses. You insist on unopened bottles of water (and check the seal), you only eat entrees that are boiling-hot when they arrive at your table, and don't eat any sort of fresh uncooked anythings.
So why do you climb a wall, with a three-year-old doing the belay-act for you?
"Joe" is that three-year-old, and the LW's boyfriend put his life in the hands of someone whose competence was not known.
"Joe" is a dick. No one sends a bill for gasoline, for an emergency trip that his own incompetence contributed to. An absolute loser that should be away from LW's and LW's boyfriend's life. Absolutely.
But wasn't it the climber's job to refuse to climb, unless he knew more about the competence of the jerk holding the rope?
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Holding a grudge is never attractive, regardless of how "justified" it may be.
It is also likely to affect not only your relationship with your BF, but also the relationship of each of you with your circle of friends as well as a "couple."
Your group may well have an unspoken "no worries" policy that it relies on to keep the peace and to keep the group harmonious. Accepting that it was truly an accident and that Joe lacks tact and moving on is likely the most positive course.
While you may find some people agree with your interpretation of events/upset as expressed in your letter, I suspect Joe will have his defenders as well. Bringing bad feelings, negative energy and disharmony into the group will be appreciated by no one.
It's your choice (and if you don't see that you have a choice what you do and how you respond, you might want to seek counseling, no snark intended). Blaming Joe for the accident or for his lack of tact/good manners will solve nothing and I suspect he is just a convenient target for your understandable anger at this unfortunate turn of event.
Hope your boyfriend makes a speedy and complete recovery ... Good luck.
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Car keys to a 12-year old
From your letter, it sounds like your friend’s belay techniques were at best minimal. Let me be frank, you just don’t give someone a quick lesson on how to be belay then, five minutes later, have them belay you up an ice climb. It's kind of like giving your car keys to a 12-year-old. Climbing and rope techniques are best learned by a qualified instructor in a series of lessons.
I can see how your friend may not have known what he did wrong, especially if he panicked or if there slack in the rope. He may also feel angry for being handed far more responsibility than he could handle.
Because you have someone's life in your hands, belaying is a far more important skill than climbing, and must be treated as such.
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Would you hand over your car keys to a 12-year old
From your letter, it sounds like your friend’s belay techniques were at best minimal. Let me be frank, you just don’t give someone a quick belay lesson then, five minutes later, have them belay you up an ice climb. It's kind of like giving your car keys to a 12-year-old. Climbing and rope techniques are best learned by a qualified instructor in a series of lessons.
I can see how your friend may not have known what he did wrong, especially if he panicked or if there slack in the rope. He may also feel angry for being handed far more responsibility than he could handle.
Because you have someone's life in your hands, belaying is a far more important skill than climbing, and must be treated as such.
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Possible Pothead
I've seen this kind of spineless stuff before: Being all too casual in a situation that required responsible alertness; then being all "It wasn't me" when things went wrong. My bet is that the friend's a chronic pothead.
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The LW still has some responsibilities
That guy is a total dick (for reasons stated by others). Your boyfriend should have taught him better before entrusting his life in this guy's hands. You should not have told him it wasn't his fault.
Guess what - you all are to blame. I agree with Cary that this guy likely won't learn the necessary lesson. But since he is an asshole anyway, and there is a slight chance he might get it, you really could say something to him. What, you might lose an asshole in the process? Darn. You'd feel better that he just might get it, and you'd be true to yourself. You might consider raising the following points: 1. (And say this first) You were wrong: his role required responsibility that he took, and he did fuck up even if he didn't know enough to prevent it. He should know this so he doesn't stupidly accept more responsibility he isn't ready for - not to merely guilt him. What if the guy goes ice climbing next month? 2. He owes you half the money and your stuff, even independent of all the rest that happened. Maybe he won't give it to you. Maybe he will. Maybe it doesn't matter to you, really, in which case don't ask.
Most importantly, don't lie again. That's what seems to be making you the most uncomfortable. Don't be nice in the moment, only to be angry for the rest of eternity (which is ultimately more damaging to everyone). You might not get a chance to exercise honesty in such a difficult situation again, but you can walk away from the situation feeling better that you have made a pact with yourself never to betray yourself again.