Letters to the Editor
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Don't give up on CA just yet...
I especially felt drawn to this letter because, like Cary, I moved out to CA when I was 21. That was in 1982. And, like the LW, I moved from the east coast. I was fortunate enough to land in San Francisco--a city full of Easterners who got tired of commuting in the snow and the gloomy, pessimistic attitude of the east coast.
So, San Francisco was a wonderful, happy medium for this New Englander. It has the sensibility of the east and the gentler, kinder weather (and attitudes) of the west. People are smart...and they aren't so thin-skinned as they are in So. CA. At least they weren't when I lived up there in the 90s.
It worked well for me for almost a decade.
Then I moved to LA. A whole different world, a whole different Califonia. I moved down here for good reason--to finish my undergrad degree at a very good school. I have no regrets.
I stayed because I got work here and I got sober here. That changed everything.
However, I really relate to the LW's frustration of the lack of directness out here and people's inability to be upfront and honest, especially in relationships/friendships. I go though cycles of not talking to some of my closest friends because too many of them seem incapable of telling me what's going on.
So, I think about moving back up to the City, where I will find many of my old friends and new ones from the east coast. Sometimes, in an especially weak moment, I think about moving back to Boston. Then I think about the snow.
My only recommendation to you, LW, is to explore more of CA before you jet back to NYC. I think you had good reason to leave--I have family members back there who have hardened as a result of living in the intensity of New York.
Besides, like I said, San Francisco is very, very different than So. CA. Try it. You might like it.
Good luck and God bless.
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Culture Shock
I'm not going to weigh in on this silly stuff about New York vs. any place else. That's not the problem anyway. The problem is that the LW is experiencing culture shock. Feeling out of place in a new place is completely normal. It's expected.
I disagree vehemently with Cary's advice. This isn't about having a "New York State of Mind." This is about the way it is everytime you move/relocate. The first friends you make in a new place are never the friends you keep. Well, almost never. The first few months, you'll be confused by the social differences, but eventually, that will change. Give yourself another year in your new place. Make some new friends. Sit down with some co-workers and explain your cultural confusion. Let this new place give you new ideas and feelings.
I moved across country to go to grad school, and I didn't know a soul and had never even seen the campus. My first year I made friends who ditched me the second year and refused to speak to me, without explanation.
Heck, I was so lonely my first two years in the new place, my only solace was going to Target. No matter where you go in the country, they all look alike. I felt comforted by the sameness.
Saved by consumerism. heh
Or, you know, if you're not trapped by consumerism like me, you could call an old friend. That often helps get you through to the next thing. But hang in there. After my first two years, I found a TON of friends, the best social life I've ever had, and a lot of wonderful things to keep me in my new home. Don't confuse this for some silly "NEW YORK THE ONLY WORLD" thing. It's not. It's just something everyone goes through when in a new place.
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There seems to be a basic misunderstanding here.
It is not up to Southern California to "get" or "understand" or "accommodate" LW. It is up to LW to "get", "understand", and "accommodate" his new neighbors. Yes, you may find neighbors more to your liking elsewhere or move home, but in the meantime it's not on your fellow San Diegans to change. It's on you.
Whatever your personal communication style, there is a certain underlying humility that is totally absent in what you write. In its place there seems to be the tacit assumption that others need to change, not you, if you are to stay and be happy.
And I get the feeling from you that if some poor San Diegan had ever wandered into your borough back home and told you that your everyday behavior is both rude and mean, you'd laugh til tears ran and your sides hurt. You are very proud of being a New Yorker and all that that entails. But think about it, LW: you're now experiencing the San Diegan equivalent of that same response. Nothing thin-skinned or passive aggressive about it. You're on THEIR turf. They are communicating very clearly and honestly in their avoidance of you, and you are indeed getting the message! They are never going to get in your face and tell you what you did; they are not New Yorkers, and -- believe it or not -- they probably consider getting in your face, as you'd like them to do, to be very rude and unnecessary.
As a Southerner who is more than familiar with this exact social divide, I have a feeling you have pegged the asshole meter on more than one point: you are successful at a very young age (high arrogance factor) AND you are from NYC (high rudeness factor). I suspect that this combination is what is working so strongly against you. Does this make you a world-class asshole? In appearance, yes, it probably does, even if that's not where your heart is. A sense of entitlement combined with an inability to perceive subtle social cues is hard to take no matter where you are.
(I should add that people who correct their coworkers and think nothing of the practice are considered assholes in many places, not just San Diego. And at 23, you're a bit young to know all there is to know. Just sayin'.)
San Diego is not a garden party to which you were graciously invited, but rather the place where you showed up uninvited to begin a new life. Let that new life start with some humility and willingness to accept these people for who and what they are. They're not bad, they're just different. And quite frankly, if you can't stand that, LW, it's NOT their fault: it's yours. You chose them, they did not choose you. By your own statements, no one put a gun to your head and forced you to move there.
And there's something else I think you should understand, LW. Yes, you have the right to say what you want, to whom you want, whenever and wherever you want. But I have the right to not hear it, to not want to hear it, and to take whatever steps I feel necessary to avoid hearing it. That is MY right. And it is every bit as sacred as your right to speak. Your coworkers are exercising this right, probably because they feel you have left them no choice.
So, LW, if you have insisted on having your say instead of learning the etiquette of your new land, and if by your unwillingness to communicate on their terms you have pushed your coworkers and acquaintances into the corner of having no choice but to avoid you, don't you dare be a coward and blame it on them. They're doing what they need to be doing. It's YOU that doesn't fit THEM. And I doubt your contempt for their non-NYC ways has escaped their notice.
So you have three choices: assimilate to some degree and fit in, don't assimilate and continue to be shunned, or leave. Put it this way: as a New Yorker moving to the West Coast, you are in effect a star-bellied sneetch who CHOSE to move to the land of plain-bellied sneetches. If you would stay, then either accept the pain of non-acceptance or rip the star off and assimilate.
You moved to San Diego for a change, right? So change. If you call them names to make yourself feel better and avoid this change, you will miss entirely whatever joys San Diego (or any seriously non-NYC-like place) has to offer, and the best you will ever achieve is finding a community of expats wherever you go, unless you go home. That means being a lifelong tourist. Do you want to settle for that? And going home... well, there is truth in the saying that you can never go home. You might could if you left now, but... you've already changed some even if NYC is still the same.
So quit blaming the locals because you find yourself drowning. Either learn to swim, or at least learn the language so you can ask for help and be heard. Or leave. It may be true that San Diego is just not the place for you, but how will you ever know if you're closed to it even while you stay? Whichever way you cut it, LW, it's YOU that needs to change. And quite frankly, that takes both courage and humility. Do you have that?
Best wishes --