Letters to the Editor
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you can't believe everything you hear
if all the men that sailed on PT 109 (JFK's boat) actually went on it, it would sink. when i went to SF in the 70's everybody was so impressed i came from Bad Bad NYC, i sort of played it up. you do that when you are young and insecure. that explains the shootings. as for the dream job - maybe he wanted to impress the unambitious locals. unless you are le dauphin, you don't get a dream job right out of high school. as for passive aggression and aggression aggression, i think it was just *style*. cali likes smooth mellow, NYC likes cynical complaining. if californians would learn how to wink and new yorkers how to smile, it would work out just fine. places are just people. you meet some everywhere. if you get along, that place is great, if not, not.
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let go and enjoy
I'm 22 and eight months ago I up and moved from North Carolina to San Francisco for very similar reasons. And guess what, the California life hasn't fixed all my problems either!
Here's what I did when I came to that point that you describe: I made two decisions.
1. That I will return to N.C.
2. That I will not go yet.
For me, making those two decisions lifted the expectations that I had from my Big Move. Right now I'm thinking I'll be here three years, but I'm flexible and it could be shorter or longer. This is not home, but I'm going to enjoy it while I have it since I now know for sure it won't last forever. So enjoy what you do have in San Diego, and give yourself permission to feel that returning to New York is not failure, it's just right for you.
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NY'ers in SoCal
I am not a native Southern Californian, and I find the culture in L.A. pretty...fake. I'm here though, and I have to deal with it. There are some really fantastic things about SoCal, though, especially the weather and the food and the beach. What I've noticed from NY'ers who are out here is a generalized, constant bitching about how much better things are in NY. I think this is what really chaps those who live out here and why they don't like NY'ers. As soon as you hear the accent, you know it's gonna be a gripe about a) the pizza, b) there's no seasons, c) bagels here suck, c) Chinese food here sucks, etc. Really, most SoCal folks wish NY'ers would stay at home if they think it's so great. And it's not a matter of "give it a year or two", I've heard NY'ers bitch about these things who have been out here for twenty years!
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you are having culture shock
Honey, this is called "culture shock." It is normal, and it is much more powerful and overwhelming than anyone who hasn't experienced it can understand. Just because you are in your own country and speaking your native language doesn't mean you can't experience culture shock. And it's even more subtle and confusing when you don't expect it. Which you probably didn't, because you just moved to a different city, not a foreign country.
Everything is different - office interaction style, climate, everything. It is easy to decide you hate a place because everything, everything is so different that it feels just *wrong.* You wake up and the weather is wrong. The people interact in weird and confusing ways that seem false. The food tastes funny. The garbage system works funny. This subtle but pervasive strangeness is wearing and it makes you irritable. Trust me, when humans move to a significantly different culture, this is how we react. And it's not about the specific place you moved to. The San Diegoness is a red herring - it's the differentness that is driving you crazy. If you'd gone to Berlin or Malacca, you would likely hate it right now, too.
Maybe find yourself a mentor or two - New Yorkers who have lived in California for years. They will have been through what you're going through. They can explain some of the vagaries of California culture that will take you a long time to figure out on your own. They can give you hints on how to change your "style" enough to fit in, without losing your self in the process.
The transformative power of culture shock is that it can teach you who *you* are. Which aspacts of yourself are you, and which are just how New Yorkers (or Californians) act? Maybe this is something that you came to San Diego to learn. If you stay for a while longer - not forever, but for a while - you will learn a lot about yourself. You will learn about how to adapt and grow while staying true to yourself and your values.
If you give this place a chance, and don't let it's differentness threaten you, then someday everything will click. You will "get" this place and these people. And wherever you go from there - New York or elsewhere - you will have another place that feels like home and a more solid sense of self.
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I can't believe...
How angry some of the letter writers sound, berating this guy for being vulnerable and sad. Of course this guy is vulnerable and sad. That's why he wrote an advice columnist. It's almost like people are trolling the column, looking for vulnerable, sad people to yell at.
Why would you do that? If you really think everyone could solve his or her own problems with just a little grit, then, ok, replace Cary with a magic 8 ball that says, "Go for it." And, "Quit your by-atching..." And be done with it. Or maybe just don't read all the letters from the people who make you so angry (You could even, maybe, try a little self-examination to try to understand WHY vulnerable people seem to bring out your inner, anonymous bully).
Having said that, I think Cary's advice was dead on. You are what you are. There's no point in forcing yourself to be around people who puzzle you, and are puzzled by you. Life is hard enough. And we all have a driving need to be understood that, if frustrated, can make you kind of weird. (Although maybe, if you stick it out in a new place for a little longer, you can become something new).