Letters to the Editor
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Prudery wins again
This paragraph is the ultimate expression of those who want to conflate sexual curiosity with sexual infidelity. No, it doesn't propose banning erotica, it simply consigns all who enjoy it to incivil, unloving, anti-community, anti-family, and (somehow) "isolation."
"And naturally whether you approve of porn in theory or not, its effect will be to displace you. Like crack, it tends to take over, to push out other hungers that tend to nurture the human community by making us dependent on one another. Since we are dependent on each other we must be civil and loving. If we are not dependent on each other then we needn't be civil and loving. We needn't have community and family. That is the way in which any drug breaks down family and community by isolating its user. Porn isolates its users also, meeting their needs outside the social compact. The social compact becomes a commercial compact between anonymous people, while those in the actual human community are relegated to bystander status. It introduces a third party into the erotic economy of a relationship."
Nothing could be further from reality. When I, a man in my 70s, watch or read erotica (the word "porn" is a red herring, attempting to tar all who enjoy it with sleaze), I am able to regain some of the sexual energy I had at 20 or 30. My wife has not the slightest problem with that. Sometimes we watch together, and in either case, the sex is always good.
I've worried for some time that Tennis has been allowing his inner nun to take the reins. Now I'm sure. His repressive instincts now outweigh his common sense.
As for SALON, I'm beginning to understand why you don't publish the brilliant, funny, and wise Susie Bright: you are too busy watching the religious right over your shoulder. Shame on you both.
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Apollonius...
This, at long last, is common sense.
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Coincidence?
I can't help but notice how many males and anonymous posters bristle even at calling what they're so adamantly defending as porn, and how many women are comfortable agreeing--at least inprinciple--with the LW.
Guys, get a fucking clue if you want a clue about whom you're fucking. Eloquent, impassioned versions of, "Lighten up, baby" and, "It's not, porn, it's 'erotica'" aren't going to get you anywhere.
Openess and honesty and a willingness to respect your partner's wishes just might.
Good luck.
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Social Compact!?
I imagine the social "compact" to be very large, very fluffy and very pink.
However, I do have something else to add. This is one of those things that people get all caught up trying to put into either black or white. It seems important that there be an answer; but since there will be porn (and there will)and it will be looked at, why not simply find a mate who shares your ideas about its use?
That said, LW, men who parade their porn when it obviously makes you uncomfortable are contemptable. It's not ok. More than why porn makes you uncomfortable, perhaps you should ask yourself why you get in relationships where you end up twisting yourself in knots trying to be "cool" about things that upset you.
Take care of yourself,
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Thank You Michael Sullivan
Guys, absorb what Michael wrote. He's right on target.
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Does age matter?
Interesting post by an anonymous poster who is in his late twenties referring to age. He seems to think that younger folks have grown up so much with pornography that it is internalized as an integral part of their thinking.
To me, as a man in his fifties, this is a scary line of thinking. Obviously erotica has always existed, and even as an early teen I confess to getting a thrill out of the sex scenes in James Bond novels and the sight of a few wisps of pubic hair in Penthouse magazine, but it seems to me that porn has really only become prevalent since the digital revolution has brought us the Internet and the ability to cheaply reproduce DVDs etc.
But the Internet has only been around for ten years, some of which time connections were slow and not well suited to downloading pictures!
Now you can get porn on demand at home, and what is more, you can see a lot of it instantly without paying for it. At least before you had to make the effort to go and get it, and it was relatively expensive, so people would have been limited by budget and by feeling ashamed of paying for porn, and by not wanting to be seen too frequently frequenting the back room by the video store clerk.
I don't think at this point that anyone can say what the long term effects of habitual Internet porn usage are on people's sexuality, so I would be very wary of this excessive confidence in and reliance on porn for porn's sake, because every generation up to now has grown up without this ready access.
Like heroin, alcohol, and cigarettes, it may fulfill a short term purpose in releasing inhibitions and pleasurable sensations, but the longer term effects may be more malign. If I was a woman today, I would be very circumspect about hitching my wagon to someone who is a regular user of porn.
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Comfortable with porn?
I've been interested in porn ever since I was a young girl, and we found magazines in the neighborhood boys' clubhouse. Back when I was dating, I would ask my boyfriends if I could look at their porn fairly early on in the relationship. If I wasn't in a relationship and wanted to enjoy porn, I would travel to other neighborhoods to rent videos or buy magazines, because I felt embarrassed about being a woman who likes porn. (It always seemed like it was acceptable for men to buy porn, but I felt that I would be judged harshly by video clerks, cashiers, etc.)
I've been married for a long time now, and my husband and I still enjoy porn both together as a couple and individually. We enjoy sex both with and without porn and I've noticed no ill-effects for either of us. (For example, we don't need porn to become aroused.)
A few years after our child was born, I found out that my husband had rented a secret P.O. Box in the city where he works, so that he could receive porn videos and magazines without exposing our child to them accidentally. I think a lot of women might have felt threatened by this, but for me it was kind of a turn-on. The p.o. box is like a sexual secret that we both share away from our adult responsibilities. We've sent each other sexy letters, etc.
I've also written erotic stories for a few porn magazines over the years just for fun and to earn a little extra money.
SO you'd think that I must be completely comfortable with porn, right? But I'm not. Even though I like porn a lot, I feel guilty, guilty, guilty! I feel guilty because I know that a lot of women who work in the industry are sexual abuse survivors and feel exploited by it. I feel ashamed, because I know that a lot of my "mommy" friends would judge me harshly if they knew that I like porn. Even here in the letters section, it seems like an accepted fact that men love porn and women don't and that's normal. So I am embarrassed that I am a woman who likes porn. So even a "pro-porn" woman like myself isn't exactly comfortable with it.
However, I've never felt threatened by my husband looking at professional porn people. He's always made it clear to me that he loves my body the best of all--after all, it's the one he's allowed to play with on a regular basis and he's had a lot of orgasms there over the years. Maybe the LW just needs a little more reassurance from her boyfriend.
The bottom line is that enjoying porn is just another personal preference, like any other sexual preference. (Some like oral sex, some don't, etc.) People who like porn and feel comfortable with it should try to get together with other like-minded folks. People who don't feel comfortable with porn should find others who feel the same way. Judging and trying to change your partner early in a relationship, however, are not good signs for the future of that relationship.