Letters to the Editor
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Cary You Didn't (Or Couldn't) Address Her Problem--Porn Is Good
Cary, I wouldn't read Salon but for your column. I really need to know that others in my socioeconomic demographic are suffering too. But that said, you really went off the rails on this one.
The letter writer and porn sufferer's problem isn't really why she feels uncomfortable about porn. All sane women should feel uncomfortable about porn. Not because it's bad (it isn't--it's as necessary an evil as methadone). Women should and do feel uncomfortable with it because it's an alternative to one of the few priceless commodities that any woman (or man for that matter) possesses--the ability to provide one's body for sex. Put another way: to men, women are Starbucks, porn is Sanka. Does Sanka fill the bill all the time? Hell no. But in a pinch, you heat up the hot water and shovel some Sanka into the cup to get through the afternoon at the office. Get it?
Her problem is that the alternative to her commodity will (and should) always be there for men and women because there is an inexorable gap between what one needs in one's sexual life and what one can generally get from the world around them (through girlfriend's, wives, prostitutes, groupies, whatever you have access to). It may be a small or large gap, but there is almost invariably that gap. So her problem is how to somehow accept and deal with the reality of porn in her life. That is a tough one for some people. But that is what you needed to advise her on. Because porn will, and should, always be available, ubiquitous, cheap, and handy.
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To the Editor or Cary
or whoever has the power to delete posts. Why are you allowing such hateful comments to be posted? Rebel1916's remark is deliberately hurtful, even though the LW is honestly searching.
Conversely, Jackwax, your post is insightful, honest, and helpful. Many thanks for getting your voice heard.
As a woman, I've had to come to terms both with my partner's desire to look at other women and with my own desire to look at other men. Human sexuality is beautiful and mysterious enough to encompass all kinds of different needs and pleasures. LW, as long as you keep struggling to be, as Dan Savage would say, GGG, and as long as you remain open to new experiences and ideas, you're already on the right path.
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ok, two things...maybe three
1.
i'm not suggesting that women are wired to only find one man attractive. i'm not a woman, so i have no idea. maybe yes, maybe no. beats me.
No. No matter what your girlfriend tells you.
the part in italics, i wrote. the part in bold, anonymous wrote.
i don't understand. i only said that to say that while i have a certain perspective on how men feel, sexually, i don't have a perspective on how women feel in the same sense as i am not a woman. it has nothing to do with what my girlfriend says or doesn't say, since we haven't discussed this particular letter or my response.
thank you, joybd365 for seeing what i had to say for what it was.
i had another thought while reading these other letters - porn, as such, has been referred to in all of this context (i think) as visual - what about the written word? for the most part, i find "erotica" to be much more arousing than "porn". a well-written erotic story is so much better. the brain is the main sex organ, yes? i can imagine things so much better than i can see someone else perform them.
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Re: Women, here's a clue: It's not about you.
Thank you. Well said.
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Correct and Incorrect
Mr. Tennis is essentially correct about much of what he says about porn, that has drug like qualities, that it reaches out and grabs you, etc.
The problem is, what he says can also be said about any art or entertainment. A powerful novel can pull you in an make you passively helpless as you continue to read. A beautiful painting can draw you into it's world and out of the real world. An exciting movie can make you forget about everything else and want to watch it again and again.
And yes, all of these art forms can create addictions. As much as the crack addict or porn addict are stereotypes, so is the compulsive movie fan, the bookworm who withdraws from life, even the obsessive art critic.
What he also fails to mention is that not all porn grabs into everyone's pants in exactly the same way. He is correct in saying that porn in general doesn't objectify women, in fact, most forms of go out of their way to personalize the women shown. The nurse, the naughtly school girl, the dominating mistress. Like other art forms, the most compelling porn provides characters and stories. (Even in gonzo porn, where there is supposedly no story, the story is the "reality" of what is happening. These aren't objects, or bad porn actresses, their "real" women having dirty sex.)
Yes, porn can isolate individuals who become obsessed with it, just as booze isolates alcoholics. But on the other hand, a bottle of champagne can enhance a romantic evening. And watching a sexy video together can make a couple horney.
The real question for any woman wondering about what to do about their partners desire to look at porn is this: do you want your partner to be honest or not? Do you want them to hide from you their secret pleasures and desires, or do you want to try to make an effort to understand them and share your own desires and secrets.
If your boyfriend has a secret love of submissive girls in cat outfits and you don't want to wear one, I personally think it is better to find out, discuss it, and move on. A good relationship will survive that. And odds are he also might have another fetish for girls in cop uniforms, and that might just be right up your alley.
So watching porn together, talking about what turns you on and what doesn't, can be very healthly, like a couple glasses of wine a night. If it becomes a bottle of whiskey a night, that's a problem. But one thing doesnt' necessary lead to the other.
It is simply a fact that the vast majority of men enjoy porn and have a secret collection of it. Most of these men don't all descend into isolation and ruin. It is also true that the more uptight a society is about pornography, the more men become obsessed with it. (Which is why Utah is the biggest customer of cable porn in the country.)
It is also true that large numbers of women enjoy porn, particularly in private, and other entertainment that is only technically shy of porn (if Desperate Housewives showed nipples, it would be porn). Yet out of jealously, or society approved prudishness, they don't want to openly share their own fantasies with their own lovers.
The problem with porn is societies fear of it. The idea that if you have one smoke of pot (or even crack or heroine) that you will become an addict is simply not true. If martial arts movies were illegal or shunned, like porn, guys would also have a secret library of them under the bed.
Porn does not simply reach into your pants and take over your body. Certain kinds of porn reach into the pants of certain people for certain reasons. A stronger relationship comes from understanding why your partner gets turned on by girls in stockings or guys in bondage, but still stays with you when you don't wear stockings or have any ropes.
Naturally, like any powerful influence there are limits. You should limit how much you drink, how much drugs you take, even how much you exercise or watch television. At the point that someone becomes obsessed with anything to the exclusion of everything else, that is a problem. But porn doesn't have any unique ability to cause obsession over other pleasurable things. As wide spread as porn may be, it certainly isn't nearly as big of a problem in America as over eating or over spending. More relationships fall apart over those issues than porn.