Letters to the Editor
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re: American
“Interesting letter, but supposing for a moment that we consider the admittedly unlikely scenario and that you are in a relationship with me, or a man like me, who simply finds porn uninteresting--not dirty, but not worth bothering with. What then?”
I don’t think we’d be a good match. Because when I use porn it’s rarely by myself. If you can’t be bothered what turns me on I’m going to be annoyed doing things that don’t necessarily get me off but you enjoy. And that would be a bad dynamic. No hard feelings. Most people aren’t good matches. We can still be friends :)
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Everything is relative; everything is complicated
Like almost anything in life, the "value" of porn -- whether it's something positive or negative, constructive or destructive-- can only be measured against the type of person using it and that person's unique history/traits/viewpoints. An alcoholic who knows he's an alcoholic and is trying to change cannot take a sip of beer without feeling guilty or a little depressed. For an alcoholic, one beer equals something bad. For a NON-alcoholic, a beer might be the most refreshing, relaxing thing imaginable. He drinks it and feels better and does not feel like he's done something wrong. The same goes for porn. If, as you're watching it, masturbating to it, you get this slimy guilty feeling in your gut, kind of like you're being molested, to use Cary's word, or being taken advantage of, and you find it disgusting and exploitative and yet you can't seem to stop because it's also providing pleasure, I'd say these conflicting feelings are cause for concern and porn is something destructive. On the other hand, if you're simply enjoying it, guilt-free, or incorporating it into the sex life with your partner -- what's the problem? By the same token it's incorrect to compare porn to crack. Crack is an extremely powerful drug that has proven to be a DESTRUCTIVE force in 100 percent of the cases, no matter what your personal makeup is. You would never hear someone say, "Oh, crack? Oh yeah I do crack. It's good every once in a while. My wife and I find it invigorating. It's not for everyone, but it's for me."
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a world of prudes
Wow! We do live in a world of prudes. I've had friends who claim that watching porn helped to rekindle their sex life and opened them up to talking about their relationship and sexual fantasies. I also have a mother who is very much a Christian prude. If I had to choose between the two I would never wish to be in a relationship similar to the repressed sexual void my mother lives in. If it makes you uncomfortable them why don't you communicate with your partner? If I thought something like porn was going to ruin my relationship I would duck and run. If it gets to the point of making you uncomfortable then tell him you think he is letting it become detrimental to him. I have watched porn in my relationship, (married 4 years) but only a few times. Its fun when you're on a business trip and the weather is bad.
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Substitute "having a drink" or "asking about my plans" and it's the same letter.
That doesn't mean all porn use is like cheating, but it seems that's what the LW's experience was, and she felt betrayed and abused by it. She's learned to associated porn with feeling rejected and discarded when she couldn't or would't meet her partner's needs.
So it follows... she likely felt betrayed and abused by other aspects of that relationship as well, and this is what is getting played out now in her current relationship. It's not so much about the porn, it's about her needing to feel safe with her new partner, and to feel reassured that she has value to him, even if she sometimes doesn't feel like putting out.
I'm rather surprised that more people don't seem to have gotten this. It doesn't sound like porn is so much the problem as her previous boyfriend being a jerk about it when he used it. So she and her present guy need to have a talk(s) about how he is not this other guy until she can come to grips with that.
I've done this myself. I was once in an abusive relationship. Afterwards, there were a number of behaviors that bothered me in my new relationship even if on their own they were pretty innocuous--something as simple as asking who'd called. This was a problem when I responded to them in my new relationship as though it were still the abusive one. Over time, I finally worked through it, but first I had to realize what I was doing.
Porn is complex in our society, but this letter could have just as easily been written about her feelings about her guy asking who'd called or what her plans were for the weekend, or having a drink, or any of a number of things that can take on ugly forms in the context of an abusive relationship.
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Original
I thought I'd read all the pros and cons on porn, the libertarians and the fundamentalists, the Andrea Dworkins and the Susie Brights, but Cary's take is refreshingly unique and honest and unlike anything else I've read. Viewing porn is, after all, an essentially passive experience - passive and anonymous - gawking at what countless others have already gawked at before, aroused by an impersonal scenario.
As a straight female I've enjoyed gay porn, but not straight. Why? Perhaps because there's no opportunity to suffer by comparison with impossibly enhanced female sex-bots. This, I think, is what makes many women anxious: that eminently human fear that we will be quartered, weighed, and measured against the glossy celluloid (often inaccurate) representation of female sexuality and be found lacking.
Then again, at least the LW is dealing with these "unreal" women, not actual other women. That's still less threatening.
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Hogwash!
I completely disagree with Cary here-- he takes a simple subject (SEX) and turns it into some crazy life-and-death thing in which we're all being molested?? The only problem with pornography is that people give it so much POWER by making a big deal of it. It's just images-- bodies bodies bodies-- and I believe it is completely natural for men and women both to get a bit titillated. Both my husband and I have periodically enjoyed a bit of pornography and while I can definitely identify with the LW's feelings (I've had them, too), I would encourage her to relax a little bit and let it be.
I think Cary's response was downright laughably stupid.