rooibos, that was beautifully put.

Guys that love porn will tell you that all guys are like them, that it is naive for a woman to hope that she be the sole object of the man's sexual fantasies.

Not all guys are like that. I am a woman, and I have nothing against porn. I like looking at porn, I even have some porn. Okay... more than some. Thus, if my boyfriend had a porn stockpile I wouldn't really mind. I've asked him numerous times if he collects porn and he says no. I even think he's odd for not having any and have told him so! He knows I have porn, but he insists he personally has none. He doesn't need porn, he says-- While he has been attracted to other women, he's only aroused by me, and those are the only pics he needs.

I actually think he's kind of weird for that, but he insists it's true-- the only porn viewer is me. But I agree with Cary because I do think porn is dangerous in that it can escalate. When I masturbated as a teen I found myself aroused by thought and touch and now I am more aroused by visuals. I find it difficult to sit and concentrate on the feeling. It takes me a long time unless I have visual stimulation in front of me.

Arousal is like hunger and Porn is like a TV Dinner. It satiates me but is not particularly fulfilling. It feels cheap, junky and not very gratifying. It's also over so quickly and theres nothing to savor. Yet when I first became hungry, the thought of cooking, chopping vegetables, defrosting meat, etc is a bother and would take too long even if the end meal would be much more satisfying and delicious.

I think I basically need to learn to 'cook' again and perhaps let go of my quick fix 'TV Dinners'.

Everything in moderation I suppose.

I liked the sentiment of porn not being an assest to society. What I think is scary about porn is the sheer volume of it out there and the ease of access to view it. Sure, it has always been available in different forms, but it has never been so intensely private an act - you no longer have to go to the corner store of movie rental place. Now there is truly a no-holds barred environment available for viewing porn.

Is it possible that people can become "desensitized" and have to continually move on to harder, perhaps even illegal, porn? Is it too easy nowadays to fall into a deep well of longing?

What will be the effect on the next generation, the ones who have been viewing porn from a young age? At 14 years old, I barely know what a blow job or hand job was, I doubt that's the case now.

Basically, I fear that these images truly have the power to screw up people's sexuality irreparably.

I don't know these answers, but something inside of me says that these are questions we should be asking.

First, let me say that on many levels, I can appreciate Cary's perspective in the response to the young woman.

If we want to rely on the supposed biological hardwiring argument, let's have it apply both ways. Women are supposed to accept that men will always look at and fantasize about beautiful women because that's men's nature. Men should then likewise accept that women are hard-wired to desire men with superior earning potential.

Most everyday women feel about their looks they way everyday men feel about their ability to be successful, excellent providers: inadequate. Neither generally respond well to comparison to members of the sex who surpass them in their respective domains of insecurity in real life. This says nothing of fanstasy.

A male porn advocate will often seek to silence his female partner's objections to his involvement with porn when she feels inadequate by comparison. Perhaps those men should consider how they would feel if their female partners spent their time fantasizing about being with men who far surpass his earning potential. If it's all just harmless fantasy, it shouldn't be a problem.

I want to take the time to say "thank you" for this insightful analysis. I am currently struggling with an addiction to porn, one which has harmed my marriage. Having you put those feelings into words helped me grasp my issues.

My wife is even okay with me looking some times-the problem is that I would try to cover up my actions, delete my history and cookie list, and conceal my depravity from her. I love my wife, find her extremely attractive, and we have a good sex life. But pornography and dishonesty threaten all that. I know I need help, and am trying to get it right now, but I never had the words to explain why I am so compelled.

Thank you for wrestling with this issue.

Sure, Cary, porn is terribly dangerous -- just as eating chocolate in lieu of a nutritious meal is dangerous. Sure, porn is dangerous -- just as a woman's using a vibrator or dildo in lieu of having a satisfying romantic relationship is dangerous.

Sure, of course. Goes without saying. Or thinking.

Your responses are usually impressively deeply thought out. Once in a while they seem foolish. This time your response is as preposterous and ill-considered as your writing has ever been.

I'd appreciate if you would try harder to avoid spewing utter balderdash such as this response into the minds of your readers.

Someone in another thread chose to call me "pussy-whipped" because I had "ceded the moral high ground automatically to women." Same person figured maybe I was a woman, since I was so "sensitive." Imagine that. Someone chooses mature, thoughtful responses to questions of intimacy and either their sex or their sexuality must be in doubt.

On the contrary. The issue of what two (or occasionally more) consenting adults do with each other is not in any way about "moral high ground." It's about respect for each other's needs and desires, not about "proving" what I want you to do with me/to me/for me is moral, or legal, or "something I can get from someone else if you won't do it for me, biotch."

Of course, if you've reduced sex to a transaction and your best examples and experiences are with porn, I can see why you may be having trouble convincing your female partner to take it up the ass from your best friend while you video her and call her a nasty slut...let alone maybe get a handjob after the third date.

In the immortal words of John Cleese as Prof. Humphrey:

"What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with

a nice kiss? You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy."

I'd encourage you porn fans to spend a lot less time defending "erotica" and paying more attention to communication with your lovers. Even you misplaced hoosiers. You'd be surprised at how much farther that will get you.