Letters to the Editor
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Thanks
Thanks Cary from the bottom of my gay heart for such a wonderful response.
And LW, your son may not be gay. He may just be curious about what his own body may look one of these days.
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dear anonymous
Quote
"Do only liberals read liberal websites?
Of course not. And not only homosexuals look at gay porn.
It's entirely possible he was just curious. Sometimes people just want to know they're normal. It probably isn't too comfortable asking his friends, "Hey, can I see your genitals? I want to make sure mine are the same."
It's also entirely possible he's gay. But gay porn isn't enough to make you assume he is.
--Anonymous"
the more I read from you the more I think while you claim to be bi - you actually don't like the 'gay' part of yourself. hence the statement "Sometimes people just want to know they're normal." so the part of you that is attracted to the same sex isn't normal ? if you feel that way then why bother?
no , looking at gay porn doesn't mean one is gay just as having a homosexual sex makes one gay. ( having a heterosexual sex doesn't make one heterosexual either) if I were to never have sex again that wouldn't undo my lesbianism. Sex is actually a small part of a whole.
as for the son having had a girlfriend. Lots of gay people date/marry/have sex with the opposite sex - mainly because they feel pressured by society/peers to do so.
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Accept porn?
Sure, GaYTheist, I will accept porn -
FOR ADULTS.
(And I was not "whining"...)
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Web browing equates to orientation?
I doubt it. It's much more likely he was looking for images for a practical joke. You know, to photoshop in somebody's face and email it to his friends.
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One minor technical matter for which
the LW should consider a preventive. Don't know if it's still the case, but there have been "gay porn sites" that were actually setups by gay-haters of whatever stripe, from which any downloaded - and viewing the image is often enough of a download - images contained some very nasty destructive viruses, of the wipe-out-your-entire-hard-drive variety. So make sure you've got very good anti-virus etc software in place.
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What are the dangers of the Internet?
Cary, your heart's absolutely in the right place but your answer read like a great, if meandering, answer to a different question.
The choir loves you baby, but in the LW you had a prodigal son trying to come back to life, love, and liberalism through you. Strong, clearly worded advice is required.
Other commentators have made the important points about privacy. I'll just split this one hair.
The LW: ...I ... went over the rules of the computer and how dangerous the Internet can be. I have software blockers on all their logins so they don't have access to sexual content...
How dangerous can the Internet be? The LW after all, is in the very act of creating sexual content on the internet! (He's writing about sex.)
I think this loving, stumbling dad may be confusing one-way traffic (viewing pictures) with chatting with a pedophile. I think lots of parents make this leap, and it annoys me. Porn isn't dangerous-- people are! I'll even grant that pornographers can be dangerous people. But how is viewing pictures of sex "dangerous" to a thirteen year old?
Does the LW make any distinction between his son's viewing pix on the family computer (where he doesn't have much privacy), and viewing them at all? How old is old enough for sexual content? Maybe at 15 he can surf the net for info about the pill and and AIDS?
I went to Catholic school in the 1980s and we had to take two detailed sex ed classes, one religious and one secular. My parents always had a few progressive medical and general advice books and magazines about sex lying around the house. By the time I was 12 they stopped trying to protect me from "dangerous" information or images, which in those days were mostly rated R movies available on video, although they never really stopped trying to protect me from the Evil Known As Actual Living Breathing Boys (well, now I'm 35 and married with a kid, they might slow down!)
What is it LW's wife doesn't think is normal? Homosexuality or porn? Or worrying about any of it?
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i'm with you, DeeMom, i don't find modern female porn erotic
but then, who knows? different strokes. it's been a good forum. most folks (meaning gay folks, since i'm not only straight, but tend to view male/female as a dichotomy not a continuum) just tell their stories, not expecting slurs or hits. for me, a changing point came just recently when i reunited with a college friend that i hadn't spoken to for twenty years - just thought of him, and with the net, you can email anyone. as an old (61) jewish man i am going to ask about children and grandchildren (and if the spouses are jewish). he seemed to love his son the most (as seemingly did everyone) but he was gay. his greatest worry was that the pool of "eligibles" was just that much less. (still, more gays than jews, no matter how you count). anyway, i toned down my speech. it was just jokes to me, but once you *know* someone, you are more aware of the pain it might cause. i find tolerance of orientation rapidly becoming the norm, but that's from a 61 year perspective, perhaps to you, it may not seem so.
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What do you say?
You say "No". You have no control or say so over your child's EVENTUAL sexual orientation, but you do as a parent have an obligation to set reasonable rules for behavior in your home and on your computer -- even more so, in this situation, because there are younger children around.
I presume the LW doesn't leave his own porn laying around for his minor children to read! that he hides it or blocks it in some way. I think it is absurd to teach a 13 year old how to hide what he is doing online and VERY dangerous -- what if the next step is to a chatroom where he is chatting with a dangerous adult predator? Do you want him to be cleverly hiding THAT as well?
Will 13 year old boys still find some way to look at porn? Probably yes. But they need to know that it is not approved by their parents, that it is not permitted in the home, and they probably need to hear (along with a good grounding in basic sex education) about how and why porn is wrong -- not because human sexuality is bad or dirty, but because the billion-dollar porn industry uses and brutalizes actors and models to make a buck, because most of the actors/models are riddled with easily preventable STDs, because the vast majority of porn shows extremely unsafe sex without condoms (leading many gay and straight men to ask for this kind of unprotected sex) and because it eventually streams into a decadent "underworld" that includes things like underage sex slaves.
You have every right and in fact an OBLIGATION to let your son know this before he becomes another (possible) male porn addict, so overstimulated by artificial images that he barely recognizes a human, flesh and blood, individual as someone he can actually (in good time) have a sexual relationship with, instead of a steady stream of empty, exploitive images.
You wouldn't let your 13 year old drive your car, would you? Even if he really, really wanted to? And if he snuck out at night and drove it around, you'd be mad and you'd do something like ground him in punishment. I don't think this is any different -- it's an inappropriate behavior, he's too young to be doing it, it could potentially be damaging and so forth.
Please note that none of this has anything to do with whether or not the LWs son MIGHT (or MIGHT NOT) be gay. I don't think that is relevant. I believe that homosexuality is something hardwire into the brain at or before birth -- if he is going to be gay, well he is and nothing you can do about that but love and accept him for who he is. But you don't have to accept ANY child, gay or straight, using a home computer to bring pornography into your home, and possibly into view by your other children.
Just say NO. I worry more about the kind of moronic, PC parenting, where adults are too afraid to appear "homophobic" to take a firm stand about what they will or will not permit in their homes. It is NOT homophobic to tell a minor child that he can't bring pornography into your home!!!!