Letters to the Editor
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I don't know...
I think it's possible that some kids just experiment and look at gay porn because the world is one big adventure, but I don't know many 13 year old boys who would unless they are compelled to do it. I think the kid's probably gay. One thing I didn't hear Cary suggest is that the parent make it clear that if he IS gay that he is loved and that they will support and celebrate him. If I were that 13 year old gay boy (and I was), a more general, blanket statement of support would not be enough to get me to open up. I'd think they were really saying "well, we'll love you even if you are a freak, but we hope you're not."
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I agree with manyctnj
I'm a 43 year old gay man and most of these letters have depressed the hell out of me -- in fact, I spent most of yesterday in a funk about it. On top of that, I feel terrible for the kid. It's highly likely he's gay or bi, but regardless, he's already gotten his first taste of the closet, and I don't see how any of the advice can help at this point.
The "don't worry, he's just curious, he's not gay" letters make me disinclined to think we've made much progress (for all the reasons manyctnj so eloquently wrote in his letter).
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twenty years ago, would you have ever heard of such a discussion? Anonymous?
things are changing, and very rapidly, but you are not seeing it. don't you realize the LETTER WRITER is reading this? and possibly the son? think about it.
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Knocked it out of the park
Thanks, Cary, I wish you had been around to say all that to me, when I was 13 (in 1968) and the world was a confusion of sexual miscues and fearsome urges. I'd have been spared a lot of adolescent paranoia -- did everyone secretly just know that I was gay?
It is a very notable talent to be able to leap so cleverly into the shoes of another human being, and you have been nimble and creative in your efforts. Bravo!
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Is the father of the 13 year old son homphobic?
I don't understand why this man NEEDS to TALK with the kid and ASK HIM if he's gay. Why is it so important? Maybe he needs to deal with his own issues first before projecting them unto his child. Would he react differently if he had been looking at naked women? Should he be concerned if the child is looking at porn? Is it bad because he's looking at guys, not women? Finally, why should the kid tell him? Why pressure for a response? What purpose does that serve?
In case you are wondering, this reaction is a clear signal to the kid that he is doing something wrong. If he starts to feel that way, it will only lead to confusion, guilt and much pain.
I am apalled at his reaction and hope he doesn't mess up the kid. If it's relevant at all, I was once a confused 13 year old who's parents "caught" in a similar situation.
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as the thread on Imus is a discussion on race, this is a discussion on orientation
*try* and help this kid, rcastanon, the guy obviously loves him but doesn't know what to do. telling him to "attend to the beam in his own eye" is not likely to bring good results. and antagonizing the child against his father (should *he* read it) isn't either. things are getting better - accept it! but you (and Anonymous and manyctnj) are needed to help. can you believe that of all the gay people on this site, only GaYtheist is open, honest and unafraid. so he's not hostile. i don't know *why*. (next question to ask him)
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Mercy! All this angst!
Get some cojones, folks. It's not easy to be in the minority in any situation, and it's not easy to be different from your own parents in a significant way - and those two facts are going to be part of pretty much every gay teen's life. Like I said in my very first post (which got a star! Yay me!), I think it's very easy to understand how a loving and accepting straight couple could be somewhat - temporarily - disappointed to discover their kid is gay. I mean, heck, at that point they probably need to mourn at least SOME of their potential but now-never-to-be-born grandkids, and there'll be one less wedding, etc. Some disappointments. And any gay teen will need to develop some mechanisms for dealing with this kind of thing - and with any luck at all, he WILL, and he'll be the stronger man for it! I mean, right up front I can tell you that I have always cherished being different - I didn't want a vanilla life, and I didn't get one. I've made it a very deep part of my psyche simply not to care what almost anyone thinks about, well, almost anything. I mean, I'm INTERESTED, but in the final analysis, what another person thinks or feels will probably have no effect on me at all. This has resulted in strength and freedom - and a lot of plain old-fashioned happiness. Life doesn't have to be easy to be rich, love-filled, and rewarding. Grow a set.
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privacy issues?
I guess I'm naive. I have a few issues here with the parent's behavior.
1) Wow, a 13-year old kid is looking at porn. Stop the presses!
2) Gay porn or not, why should the parent care? Would it be OK if it were hetero porn?
3) Checking out the son's web log to see what sites the son has been visiting? Really fostering an atmosphere of trust, eh? Letting the kid develop self-confidence?
What I see is a paranoid parent invading his son's privacy. I suggest getting a hobby and letting the son know he can talk to you about anything at any time, and leaving it at that.
The subtext here is that the possibility of homosexuality might demand parental intervention where it would not be necessary if the son had the good taste to be watching Paris Hilton videos. We may well have yet another case of a parent finding out, much to his dismay, that his son's sexual orientation is not something under his control.