It's also possible that LW's son is bi. When discussing issues of sexual orientation, falling into the false binary of straight or gay can further confuse someone who is already dealing with the intense confusion of puberty.

Sending the kid a message that he is loved, no matter what his orientation? Right on. Just don't prematurely categorize him in the process. That can be pretty damaging as well.

I know, because I've been there. It took me a long time to understand who I was, because I thought everyone had to be gay or straight.

Nice response Cary. Well done.

I also remember being a confused 13 year old kid, and it seems to me issues of sexuality often aren't fully formed at that age. He may know he's gay, or he may not have formed an opinion yet and the porn was just classic teenage curiosity. He may have heard people at school talking about gay sex and couldn't understand it or visualize it for himself. Unless he tells you otherwise, he was probably curious and is more mortified that he got found out than anything.

The most important thing you can do is do just like Cary said and let him know that he's loved no matter what, and then maybe drop it. I had the most amazing and understanding parents but I still wasn't ready to come out to myself at 13, much less anyone else. He'll tell you when he's ready.

Good luck.

Do nothing, except what Cary suggested.

Okay?

Really.

At thirteen, you're curious about all kinds of things. Porn included. Sex of all varieties including all kinds of combinations of people and objects.

As an adolescent, looking up a type of porn doesn't make you automatically into that. As a teenager in the pre-panic days of the internet (brief as they were), I looked at all kinds of things. If we go based on that, I should be a lesbian into BDSM and orgies. Shh, don't tell my fiance, he'd be pissed I didn't tell him.

So, maybe your kid is gay. Or bisexual. Or maybe he's straight and trying to figure out just what it is that freaks his classmates out about this whole 'gay' thing. Maybe he's just looking at naked men to come to terms with his own body. Chances are he wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer if you asked him.

He's not going to be permanently scarred by it at that age. Let it be. Even if he will turn out to be gay, chances are he doesn't know himself at thirteen. Create an environment where it's okay for your son to be whoever he is, whatever that is, and he'll tell you as he figures it out. If you don't, he'll deny it no matter how nicely you ask, so there's no point in asking.

If you care so much you need to write to an advice columnist about it, chances are you haven't quite hit the level of open-mindedness necessary for him to be honest with you when the time comes. Work on that.

So much about your response was wonderful. I truly hope that the father who wrote this letter will be able to show the kind of acceptance you advise. As a queer woman, I wish my parents had been able to be that accepting when I came out to them.

The one thing I would have hoped you would add is that looking around at gay porn sites could just be curiosity. The writer says his wife thinks it is not normal for a teenage boy to look at these kinds of sites. Of course it's normal, regardless of who the son is attracted to. Maybe the son is questioning his sexuality, maybe he already knows he is gay, or maybe he just wanted to know what gay porn looks like. To be clear, I'm not saying "It's just a phase." - that kind of response from adults about a teenager's understanding of their sexuality is demeaning and belittling. But there is no "it" to have a response to yet. Looking at gay porn doesn't mean you are gay. I hope the parents are able to be accepting of their son regardless of who he becomes.

But again, thank you for the vehemence of your advocacy for acceptance.

LW's letter is missing some facts that might be illuminating. Are the gay porn sites the ONLY sites? Sometimes porn is mislabelled/mislinked, and you end up on a site you didn't intend to find. Just because he wound up on a gay porn site, doesn't automatically mean he intended to go there in the first place...

First of all, kids explore. I looked at all sorts of strange porn as a teenager once - not because I had any particular predilection, but merely because I was curious. It is not at all certain that the kid is actually gay. He could have been curious; he could have been mistaken; he could have been doing any number of things. Leave him be.

But even if he is thinking that he's gay - it may not mean that he actually is. Kids do go through phases, and focusing too much attention on any one phase they go through may in fact cause damage. He may be bisexual, he may be experimenting - any number of things could be going on. Wait for him to tell you if he's gay - and if he does, tell him that you will love him no matter what, and that you will be happy if he is happy, and that you still want to be involved in his life no matter what his orientation is. These are hard things to say, and harder things to do - but you will reap the benefits later on.

When I was 18, my parents discovered my gay porn stash. Unfortunately, they reacted in completely the wrong way; confronting me with it, expressing revulsion at what they'd found, and making it clear that they wanted that material out of the house.

One failed marriage and almost ten years later, I finally confronted them with the truth...and no one was surprised. Had they not said a word or had subtly told me that they supported me no matter what, ten years of pain, and the lives of me, my ex-wife, and my children would have been so much better.