as for the theory about avoiding taxes. Why is it ethical to weasel out of taxes, but unethical to take money that was legally left to you?

If that was the grandmother's intention, then it's fair that her grandson suffer the consequences of financial fudging.

Maybe everyone in that family could use a little lesson in integrity and the LW having the money is the karma they need.

Again, Cary's right. This problem is very straightforward, those who are projecting a moral dilemna onto it are probably living morally complicated lives themselves.

who just say keep the money because you can without a second thought to ethics, well people like you tend to have bad karma.

Many of you sound bitter, such as the men haters. Others simply sound greedy.

I hope all of you have prenuptials and lawyers on retainer, as well as PI following your spouses, because you sound like you'll need them.

Hey, "no name"...

duh, the guy was cheating on her! I think that reason enough to conclude that he's probably not a very nice guy.

Why should she trust him anymore? That would just be stupid, not morally superior.

Are you saying that cheaters are all usually good guys?

I guess it takes one to know one, right?

If that was the grandmother's intention, then it's fair that her grandson suffer the consequences of financial fudging.

????

Maybe in the land of ethical fudging where you come from, where a right is defined as output of two wrongs.

First off, that's a specious argument about "financial fudging" as it's not even been established that was her intention. As another poster pointed out inheritance tax isn't the gift tax, and doesn't work that way. Given the facts it's far more likely she was following the "holiday card" rule by listing both names. It's nice for everybody to be named, but it doesn't really mean she wanted the money to go to an ex as opposed to a family member. She did the exact same thing for the other grandson and his spouse, so it wasn't personal.

Secondly, you're showing the kind of self-serving Enron-esq thinking crooks aways use to rationalize any injustice they want to commit as somehow owed to them. I doubt greatly you're a very ethical person in your own life.

btw:

My wife's Grandmother left me some money in her will, and I understood immediately that it was a token gesture, that I only got it via my relationship to her granddaughter. I knew the grandmother a bit, we were friendly, but not a lot.

I told my spouse the money was hers to do with at her discretion, and she deposited it to the joint account where it was eventually spent on mutual things.

We had also contributed money to help care for the grandmother, as was considered a family-wide responsibility and traditional way of respect. Expenses such as paying for her wheelchair and things she liked while alive. Had I not contributed to that, I would have felt uncomfortable, especially because my family doesn't have money and my GMother passed long ago.

No way in hell would I have kept it if we'd separated, which thankfully isn't an issue. Being ethical certainly has something to do with that.

I really liked the "set up a college fund for the neices and nephews" idea.

To me, it has all of the benefits of both keeping the money and giving it back, excepting you don't get $10,000 extra dollars that you admit you don't particularly need.

Fuck no you shouldn't give it to him.

duh, the guy was cheating on her! I think that reason enough to conclude that he's probably not a very nice guy.

That has nothing to do with your cynical attitude and your characterizations of all men, which shows you're damaged goods, the type of person who waits for unfortunate circumstances to give other women bad advice and get back at the male gender.

But the advice you're giving the LW will only make her damaged goods like you.

She'll have this on her conscience with her next lover, and whether she has to lie, or is a more materialistic, vindictive person as a result, will greatly effect the type of man she gets, and whether is the faithful/honest type or not.

Besides, you don't know the circumstances, and have no reason to suspect the LW is necessarily more ethical, besides her letter, the proof of which is still outstanding.

Regardless, the ex's behavior has nothing to do with it. the issue is whether the LW can accept the money in good faith, from the grandmother, not the ex, assuming that the Grandmother would still have willed it to her had she known they were separating.

Whether or not she was betrayed by the ex, that doesn't translate into his family owing her something. If she's owed something, she can sue.

And just because she's preventing it from going to the ex doesn't change the fact that if she's ignoring the probable intentions of the grandmother, she's essentially stealing from the GM, not the ex.

She clearly intended it to go to him and his spouse. You are no longer his spouse. You should give it to him.

As always, the answer is in the letter. "I've just discovered that the final will dictates that each brother's inheritance is to be split between them AND THEIR PARTNERS" (emphasis added). You're not his partner anymore, so the money isn't yours. You even write that you think that the grandmother intended it to be money to be shared and spend on a life and household TOGETHER. You're not together anymore, so the money isn't yours.

Reading your letter once again: you're trying not to think of it as payback, but you sign your letter "Getting My Payback" (or does Cary make those up?).

Get your act together, grow up and try not to feel miserable about a few thousand dollars.

If Grandma had an even partially competent lawyer, she knew that leaving the money in the wife's name meant it would go to the wife whether she was an ex or not. People usually leave the money to their blood relatives and the implication is that they will share with their spouse. Grandma went out of her way to leave it to this woman which suggests she wanted her to have it.

Take the money. If it really bothers you, put it in the bank for 6 months and readdress the issue when you're feeling a little less angry at your ex. Or donate it to charity. There's no obligation to give it to him.