Letters to the Editor
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grandparents dream of helping their grandkids...
Not their grandkids partners.
So... what if they'd stayed together until the will had been executed, and then they had decided to split up?
I've been in this situation before. My ex and I divided everything equally, except the inheritance, which he kept 100% of.
Now with my DH we have his inheritance from his grandfather invested in our house (which we couldn't have bought without it). If we ever split we have a clear understanding that we would sell the house, I would get half the appreciation, he would take half the appreciation and the capital we invested to start with.
I think that's only fair. Family members don't want to see their hard earned money going to people who aren't their relatives. It would break my DH's grandfather's heart actually. I know he loved me, but I know he dreamed of leaving his grandchildren well provided for.
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Why not take this slowly?
Assuming that a check will just come to her, the LW might want to take it and put it in CD or money market account for at least a year. She probably can't make a decision right now that is not motivated by either guilt or anger. And I don't think money should be handled with either of those mind sets.
We have no idea what grandma wanted. Maybe she left the money split up for tax reasons, maybe she did it for other reasons. We can't ask her. She's dead.
In a year or so when the LW is on her way to healing from the bad breakup she can review the idea of what to do with the money. It generally takes half the length of any relationship to heal from its demise. And by then she'll know whether or not she feels guilty or all right about keeping the money. Moral decisions are not exactly a black and white issue. There is a right way of acting in any situation, but I think it is arrogant to tell the LW what that "right" thing is. And if, in time, she still has lingering guilt, or just knows that she wants to hand over the money to the ex, cool. She can keep the interest, which means she'll get a little something out of it too.
This inheritance is not an engagement ring that the ex gave the LW, and she is obligated to return now that she has left him. Though I do have to wonder--if he'd left her would the critics tell her to keep the money?
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anon_prof
Heirs don't pay taxes on inheritances. The estate might have to, depending on the amount of the estate and how much of the lifetime exemption the deceased used. But no, there is no mysterious tax benefit for leaving money to the grandson and grandson's partner. You're thinking of the gift tax amount (11 K per year per person tax free), but even in that case, the taxes are paid by the giver, not the recipient. Inheritances and gifts are not taxable to the recipient.
Who knows why she did it. Maybe it was intentional, maybe slopping drafting. Legally she can keep it. I'd say morally she can keep it as well. But I'd disclaim it, in an effort to move on and not keep entangled with the ex.
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i wonder
I wonder if the grandma was close to the partner of the other grandson, and felt the need to leave something to LW to be fair. Not that that illuminates the issue at all, but it would explain the rationale.
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Sauce for the goose
From your description, it sounds like the money is legally yours. So the question is one of ethics.
Here's a neat ethical principle: The Golden Rule.
Ask yourself what you would do if the situation were reversed.
If you would be OK with your ex keeping the money, keep it.
If you would think that he should donate it or put it in trust for someone in your family, you can do that.
If you would think that he should give it to you, then you should probably do that. But before doing so, you might want to bill him for a therapy fund, life displacement costs, added tuition paid due to decisions you made on his behalf, etc. Withhold that and then send him the balance. You might want to itemize it, too, so he knows why it's not the full $10K. You may also not want to send the whole amount at once. You'll know after he gets the first installment and reacts to it whether and how much more you want to send him.
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Keep the moeny
How did I know this letter was written by a female before I even looked at the name? Stop the hand-wringing. A male would have long since deposited the money and not looked back. No wonder women make half as much money as men for doing the same work. All of this I must not be worth it, I'm the inferior gender and put on earth to be a slave to men because they're so much better crap.
You put up with the dude for 5 years. You probably did the whole clan an immense favor by doing so. You've earned your $10,000 and then some. He put you threw a ringer and left you devasted.
I'm stunned by how much free caretaking women do for society in the form of taking care of elderly grandparents, children, friends and still think they don't deserve a nickel. Work all day same as men and come home cook and clean, do most of the caretaking while men sit on their asses. A man would demand to pay paid for that work, or not do it. Which is why men don't do it.
$10,000 is a ton of money for women who do most of the worlds work but have less than 10% of the worlds's wealth, if that. There's a reason why women are overworked and poor. Snap out of it.
You earned the money. Keep it. Enough said.
Enjoy.
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RE: Donate the money
Donate the money? Whatever. Anybody who is in debt has a responsibility to themselves to pay it off before they deal with giving money to others. She hasn't done anything wrong by accepting the money, and therefore has nothing to feel guilty about.
LW, this is your chance to move forward with your life just take it. It's a window, an open door...go through it, and never look back. Feel the wind in your face, the fresh air, do a little cha cha cha, and keep on walking. This relationship sucked, but hey now your a little closer to debt free. No need to look back.
It's only 10,000 anyway, and 10,000 is really the new 1,000.