What a weird coincidence. My (now ex) husband gave me $10K of his savings to pay off my student loan. Two years later, when we split, I gave him the money back out of our joint savings. It never occured to me to do anything different, even though he was abusive to me and just plain nuts. He needed the money more than I did at the time, but that didn't enter into the equation. It was about the fact that the money was given to me with the understanding that we had a lifetime commitment to stay together. I had a tough time getting a good financial footing after the divorce but I never wondered "what if I tried to keep that 10K?" I haven't even thought about it in years, until your letter reminded me. I'd like to think my choice has made me a freer, happier person.

It always amazes me how seemingly normal people turn into pigs when there is an inheritance to be had.

And this is only $10,000. You wanna sell your soul for 10k?

You sure come cheap.

Because once this over you will have your entire life to live with this on your conscience....

Too true. I once kept some CDs of an ex GF when we broke up because i felt hurt that I had spent more money on disposable things like restaurant meals while she had bought things like the CDs.

Still, I feel guilty about it, because it was a low thing to do. Though relatively a small thing and justifiable compared with $10K from a grandmother's will.

If the LW has a conscience she should give it back rather than trying to get over or get revenge for a relationship gone bad, and she knows it.

You said the grandmother wanted to split it between her grandchildren and their partners. You (albeit through no fault of your own) are no longer a partner. Legally, you have a case. But if legalities were what you were worried about, why ask Cary?

Give the money back. You don't need it. And if there's any guilt to be involved in taking the money, then you really don't need it.

I agree with the previous post that the LW knows she shouldn't be taking this money.

The LW admits she knows the grandmother's intentions - to build a life with her ex. Clearly, by taking the money, she is disregarding - disrespecting - the grandmother's last wishes.

She also admits her motivation for keeping the money is "payback" for what her ex put her through. She is writing to Cary to talk about this "dilemma" as if it were morally ambiguous - putting it in his hands in hopes that he will find a way of justifying what her own conscience cannot. Who cares if it's not technically wrong? If it feels wrong, it will always feel wrong.

At the same time, I've been burned before. I get that the LW doesn't want to give it to her ex. But if she's not going to use it in a life with her ex, she has to return it to the family she is no longer a part of. Perhaps she can divide it between *only* the brother and his partner. Or she can set up a trust for a great-grandchild. Or, if all roads lead to the ex receiving it, she could donate the money to a cause the grandmother cared about.

LW: Feel good about what you do with this money. Good like good versus evil.

You feel guilt for keeping your ex girlfriend's CDs? Good for you for admitting this. Now, track her down and send her the money. This will bring you unexpected happiness. (Not to mention her...)

Dear LW,

If neither you nor he really need the $10K, and grandma's gone (she may have been very happy at the thought of giving YOU money...she may have conjured up your face, she may have been feeling real affection for you when she added you, you as an individual, not a category, into her will)...

It's a lovely opportunity to make a reciprocal gesture. Is there some meaningful way you can donate this money to a cause you think she might have liked (conjure up her face, hold her in affection, apart from her category as exBF's grandma, in HER name?

She was a kind woman to want to care for you in that way. This would be a gracious thanks.

This is horrible that it's even a question. The LW is suffering from a bad break up and is not in her right mind. OF COURSE she should give the money to the ex. It's his. If she hadn't ever met him he would still be inheriting from his grandma, LW wouldn't be.

This money is his in every way - good and bad. Bad family karma, good karma, whatever. Believe me LW, you shouldn't want to take it with you.

'Give the money to a charity in her name?' The hypocrisy and coy aggression implied in an action like this is disgusting.

Grandma would have given it to a charity if she'd wanted to. She didn't. She wanted to give it to her grandson and their partners. To even imagine it was 'personally' meant for the LW is silly.

Or else some posters here have no idea of the meaning of family, let alone hard earned and saved money.

No, grandma is unlikely to have given half her grandson's money to his girlfriend, no matter how sweet she is, except that she thought they were staying together.

Give the money to the boyfriend and wash your hands of him. Otherwise you'll always be carrying the crap from that relationship around with you in the form of ambivalent feelings about the money.

Someone suggested that males and females would react differently to the letter. It's interesting that nowhere in the letter does it say that the LW is a woman. I sort of assumed the ex-couple was two men, given that we heteros are a little less likely to use the "partner" title. Of course, it doesn't change the ethical quandary of the situation!

I tend to think the ex's bad behavior should not be a factor in the LW's decision. The ethical solution should not hinge on the way the relationship ended.