Letters to the Editor
-
Hi LW
It's a doozy, huh?
I think most of your conflict is stemming from your own feelings about the money - do you want to think of it as a balance of debt for the suffering you endured with him? Do you want to think about it as something you can rub in his nose "your grandma had more consideration for me than you do" etc.
It's natural to be a little troubled with some of the feelings that can arise from this sort of situation.
I think, speaking VERY objectively, that the money is yours and you should keep it. The grandma identified you as part of HER family, and included you by name because of HER feelings for you. Looked at that way, it sort of insults her memory of your role in her life to give the money back.
Of course, if I were in your shoes I'd be uncomfortable, of course. I dated that lazy cheating slacker for 5 years too. And his family was delightful. I loved his grandma too, and she also died not too long after he and I split up. Had she left me money I would have been equally conflicted.
So take some time: think on it. Pretend the money isn't yours. Put it in some sort of safe investment, and consider what you want to do. Consider your relationship with his grandmother, and what, if anything, you shared with her, and how best you could use that money to honor her memory. Maybe she thought giving the money to you by name would've ensured that you could take care of yourself when her boneheaded grandson couldn't man up. So then use the money that way. Maybe you both loved a certain geographical reason...so spend a portion of the money to go there. Maybe she loved animals...so you can donate a portion to the ASPCA.
Maybe do SOMETHING. Not with all of it, but with some of it, to acknowledge your relationship with her. That's what a will is about. Maybe even include his parents, or other members of the family, if you want. Even a card: "Because I know nana died of breast cancer I've made a donation of 2K in her name to breast cancer research." Something nice.
Her slacker cheating grandson has 10K of his own. If he wants to be smart with his investments he can invest it properly to pay for his own education.
Don't act in haste. Don't worry yourself ascribing troubling meaning to the money. Focus on how this is an intended gift from this woman to you, and what that means about what your relationship with her was about. It is not about taking payment for what you endured with her grandson. It is not about compensation. It is not about him.
Take some time.
Then decide. Maybe you'll hit a really rainy patch, and her gift will be a welcome bit of help. That's why people leave money to other people in their wills: because they want to be able to offer that welcome bit of help in honor of the relationship you had while she was living.
Best of luck.
-
Enjoy It
Despite those who are so condescending as to know what grandma "REALLY meant", take the money with an easy heart, with no obligation to use it in any particular manner. Don't patronize her by second-guessing her. She was presumably not an idiot. Don't treat her like one.
-
Donate it.
The fact that the LW wrote to Cary at all suggests to me that he/she is at least mildly uncomfortable with accepting this money the law states he/she is entitled to.
Listen to your conscience. For your own piece of mind, I recommend accepting this money but donating it to a worthy cause, with a nice written acknowledgement to the grandmother's family stating what you did with the money in Grandma's memory. Endow a scholarship for a financially needy college student, anonymously pay for someone's medical bills, install a playground at a public park... the list is endless.
Set your mind at ease. Don't tether yourself in such a potentially toxic way to this family you're no longer a part of.
-
What about the Grandmother's Lawyer?
Wouldn't the person who created this will with the Grandmother be able to clear it up, and wouldn't they have covered possible break-up.
My financial planner went over this with us. We're not married, we can't get married, (Gay Couple) so what happens? I would have to think that the lawyer had asked her if she really wanted to do it that way, I mean unless she did some my will software package or something.
Over the 6 years we've been together I sometimes think I would like to give the money that I have, which is a lot more than 10,000 to my partner's nephew. The nephew is of no relation to me, my family might be pissed, but because I've come to know and or like him and his personality I might do it.
Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean they deserve this or that or its somekind of legacy. Maybe you ended up with a cool family and everyone is like the Cleaver's good for you. But if you ended up with a more complex family well then the rules change.
You shouldn't give the money back because you might be insulting the Grandmother, who for whatever reasons liked you. Sometimes people don't really like their own family as much as the people who come from outside it.
The right answer is to comply with exactly what the will spells out. Nothing more, nothing less.
That's why Cary is right. Coming from a relationship that probably in my lifetime will never become a civil union, I would never tell my ex partner that he shouldn't be entitled to whatever my grandmother may give him. See it works both ways.
Oh and LW sorry for assuming that your are a woman. You may be a gay man like me.
Comply with the will and nobody really gets hurt. If the fangs do come out, well that my again tell you exactly why she put the money in your name.
Cary didn't really tell you what to do for a reason after complying with the will because there is no right answer here. If you need the money use it. Respect for the will should come from both sides. And if both sides are acting appropriately the ex would never ask for the money back.
This relationship was clearly not some basic dating scheme. It was a full relationship. She doesn't owe the family anything at all. And if the mother and father of the ex liked her at all, they would probably agree that she should keep the money.
This is like Ken Lay and his prosecution in a way. His crimes were vacated because he died. The Prosecuters want him to remain guilty, but no matter what you think, he died and didn't have the ability to finish his appeals process. No matter what you think, it stands on record that he is not guilty in accordance with the law.
No matter what anyone else thinks, you are not guilty of being a money grubber, or immoral, or anything else by complying with the will. It just is what it is. Familys aren't perfect and not everyone thinks their family deserves a legacy or whatever bullshit.