Letters to the Editor
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Maybe LW should just lawyer up about this already.
It sounds to me like legally it should be all hers, though I do wonder about the family suing for the money since it doesn't sound like it was left to her due to personal relationship, but by romantic relationship.
But ethically...LW is not "family" any more. Let's face it- you're not "family" if you're not married, or if you divorce without kids. Marriage/partnership is only temporary family, and ends when the relationship does.
If Grandma had given LW an irreplaceable family heirloom, even before her death, should LW be allowed to keep it when she's no longer family? Probably not. Same goes for the money, even if the ex is a dick. I don't hear that LW and Grandma had a personal relationship, and it sounds like it was a default money granting based on LW's relationship to the grandson.
I'm sorry, but...it's just not right. You're not family. You weren't good pals with Grandma. It's not right to keep money given to you under "family" circumstances.
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Accept the money and put it in a 1- or 2-year CD
Since the LW was actually named in the will, I think she should accept the money because the grandmother clearly wanted her specifically to have it. Then, I agree with an earlier person that it would be a good idea to put it in a 1- or 2-year CD (without telling the ex that he still might get the $$). That will give the LW time to reflect on whether she feels uncomfortable keeping her inheritance. It will also give her the opportunity to see what kind of behavior this triggers in the lying, cheating ex. If he's nasty/abusive about it, I'd say definitely keep the money unless there's a legal challenge, in which case she might as well surrender it rather than possibly face legal expenses that exceed the amount of the inheritance.
If the boyfriend needs money because he's a "struggling artist," he can always get a day job, for heaven's sake. (My prediction: The ex will find a new girlfriend to subsidize his artistic aspirations.) Why should the LW subsidize the career choice of someone who betrayed her? Since the LW earned more, I suspect she was paying more of their expenses during the 5 years they were together, and I imagine the ex isn't feeling the need to reimburse her for that $$. For those who say she's ethically obligated to give him her inheritance, shouldn't he feel ethically obligated to pay her back for the disproportionate amount she likely paid for joint expenses over 5 years, since he betrayed the relationship?
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donate it or give it back
The amounts donated were just under the limit that they would have been taxed. I think the grandmother assumed you and your boyfriend were going to continue to be together, and the combined money was for your combined future. That is no longer the case. My ethics would say to either give the money back, or donate it to an organization that helps battered women leave their abusive relationships and get back on their feet.
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Keep it
I work for several Estate Planning attorneys, and i asked them what their advice would be in a situation like this. All of them, without fail, said if she was specifically named in the will, the money should be hers, no moral quams about it. If her name is in the will, the grandmother intended for her to have it, or it would have been worded differently. Take the money, pay back your student loans, and get on with your life. And say a prayer for the grandmother, for being kind to you when her grandson was not.
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Too many posters
are in need of remedial reading lessons.
The Blunt One posted: I don't hear that LW and Grandma had a personal relationship, and it sounds like it was a default money granting based on LW's relationship to the grandson.
Please READ that the LW wrote that the grandmother "...fondly regarded me as one of the family."
Dollars to donuts, the LW undertook some of the unpaid stoop labor involved with having an elderly person around, the labor that so many women get stuck doing. You know, meals, shopping, visits to the various doctor. The grandmother could have simply left the entire amount to the grandson, but she left money to the LW BY NAME. Whatever her reasons, it was the grandmother's money, and now it belongs to the LW.
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Spirit of the law
Often we try to channel lawmakers - what did they mean when they wrote the law? What did they intend?
What did grandma mean? Why would she split the money between her grandson and his unmarried but long-term partner? It seems likely that she didn't trust her grandson completely to use the money wisely and decided to give half to LW. Granny knew LW wouldn't waste it but would ensure that grandson benefitted. But she didn't want to give LW total control. Grandson still got half.
Ethically I think LW should use that money for the benefit of her ex - tell him she'll only give it to him as part of a downpayment on a house, something like that. To keep it is slimey. You know she didn't give it to you so you could pay off your student loans and forget you ever met her grandson. Come on.
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CJ
We know nothing of the kind.
Bottom line: people sometimes do leave money in their wills for people whom they have liked, who have treated them kindly, or any other reason. LW is as entitled to accept a gift meant in kindness as any other person on the planet. The sooner she realizes that, the sooner she will be over that abusive relationship.
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Keep the money
Do you think it would be of any honor to your ex's grandmother's hard-earned money if he irresponsibly or selfishly used it? He sounded irresponsible so even though you think he may use this to contribute to his education there's a chance he won't. Grandma knew you weren't married and she still left you this money. Even if you did get married, she was aware that there was a chance that you wouldn't last together - so this may be more about you than both of you as a unit. My thoughts? If I had a moron of an ex that wasted 5 years of my life with a string of infidelities, I'd put it in an investment account and let the money grow as my memories start to wane. Another thing is, stop thinking with your heart and try to think with your head. On a logical level this would do you a whole lot of good and it's already set aside, no strings attached for you.