Letters to the Editor
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Relationshits are not about money, but
women routinely boil it down to just that. Funny, isn't it that most women give platitudes about love, etc but when there is money they are all business.
Yes, keep the money, but it doesn't change the fact that most women are all about the money. How wonderfully ironic.
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to clarify...
LW here. Just want to point out that my partner and i were not married, there were no tax benefits to his grandmother splitting the money, and it was left specifically in my name with no caveats. I'm not justifying, just clarifying.
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Good advice, but...
Why do I get the strong impression that Cary's advice would have been exactly the opposite had the LW been male and his partner female?
The advice is correct; the LW is not obligated to consider her ex's welfare over her own. That's what being an ex means. I'm not saying that a partner must always ignore their own welfare, but it is occasionally reasonable to give in to a partner's needs, or let them predominate in whatever compromise is reached. It's not generally reasonable to do that with an ex.
However, to me the interesting point is whether Cary would have given this simple, reasonable advice to a male LW. I very much doubt that he would.
JCR
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Everyone
Assumes the LW is female. I assumed the LW to be a gay man.
Whichever you are LW, it sounds as though you have already made up your mind to keep it.
So Keep it already. It's only 10K.
I wouldn't do it personally, but it's your life.
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I changed my mind
I posted that the LW should keep the money. I take that posting back. You can never go wrong by doing something good for someone else (so long as you are not hurting yourself). There were plenty of good ideas - back to the family, back to the exbf, some kind of legal document with stipulations (for future children in the family if there are any, and if not, to the exbf, whatever). Revenge never feels good in the long term.
Furthermore, it's the general assumption that the ex is an a-hole because he cheated. I think that in a relationship of 5 years, in which nobody is mentally ill (a small % of the population are sociopaths with brain damage and require a different attitude, but most of us are just flawed humans trying to get by), there is some fault usually on both sides, even in the case of infidelity. If this is impossible for the LW to see at this stage, then a year-long CD is a good idea.
I'd say don't give the money to the exbf if he could use it to hurt others (e.g. to buy guns, or if you sincerely fear that he is going to buy the services of prostitutes and harm them, or something along those lines: a true sociopath) However if he is just a struggling, irresponsible, poor-relationship skills guy, and you have no SINCERE fear that he could harm others with the money, and the money might help him, even though it might likely be used on beer with only a small chance of going toward education, then give it up.
Also, when in doubt, consult others. What does the family think granny's intentions were? They know granny pretty well. What about her lawyer? Did she discuss things with him over a long time and make the choice long before her death, or did she draw the will up in a delusional state in her last days? Is the lawyer competent, or does he say, "Oh geez, yeah, I guess I hadn't thought of what would happen if you two broke up!" If you can discern something about grandma's intentions, or her values, then ask questions and try to find out.
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Enough with the gender wars
These women/men haters are turning Salon into a sewer. Can anyone have survived into adulthood on this planet without realizing that being an asshole is not gender or race specific?
LW, I'm glad you're reading the letters because I think Cary gave you bad advice. If you don't think that the grandmother would have wanted you to have the money if you weren't with her grandson, you should give the money back.
Best of luck to you.
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Not really a question of ethics
It sounds to me like the LW was mentioned by name in a will. Therefore, the money is the LW's money now. There is no need for ethical or legal qualms in that regard. It could have been done for tax purposes, but the mention of an actual name suggests that, truly, the grandmother wanted the LW to have the money, whether the relationship worked out or not. Just because you are not in the family presently doesn't mean you weren't in the heart of the grandmother, the one who felt it important enough to state your name on the document. That's a big deal, putting your name down. It's evident, then, where she wanted the money to go, period.
The real issue is over what makes the LW feel better about him or herself. Does it make you feel better to just give the money back to the partner or family? If so, then do that.
Is it that the ex-partner is manipulating your feelings to get the money? Well, I'd pay no attention to the 'money' needs of the ex-partner. $10,000 isn't going to make anyone a better person or make him or her follow a better course in life. That's nonsense. Choosing a better course in life is free of monetary restrictions. If your ex were truly thinking of being a better person, one might just as easily say that this would be the point where the ex said, "You know, you were my partner for years and a member of my family. That money is yours." So, that argument is exploded.
If you're really just feeling a bit guilty for inheriting money but not being related, I can't help you with that, but I can counsel you that, by not accepting the money, you may be going directly against the grandmother's wishes, which would be a shame.
Do whatever makes you feel like the weight of the relationship, and a less than satisfactory partnership, is rolling off your back.
Also, final very important note, check with the attorney of record and see if and what provisions were made for money not accepted. It could very well be that the grandmother had provisions put in to support an elephant nursery or the cancer foundation or something else, if the money wasn't accepted. Don't just hand the money over to the partner. Do what's legal here, by the letter of the law.