Letters to the Editor
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It was willed to the LW ...
... based on the relationship she had with the grandparent.
There are a lot of writers suggesting that the grandparent 'might' have split up the inheritance for tax purposes, that the grandparent 'might' have re-written the will if the split-up was earlier, that the ex 'might' be taught a lesson by not getting the $10K, that the grandparent 'might' have wanted the inheritance used for a life built by the LW/ex. Etc.
What a bunch of speculative crap. How about this: The grandparent 'might' have included people in her will whose company she enjoyed ... as well as her relatives.
Legally - the will states that the LW is to receive $10K from the estate.
Ehtically - Whatever choice the LW is comfortable with long-term is really critical here. Lot of options covered in other postings.
Y'know ... cats get included in wills. Long lost brothers get included in wills. Charitable causes get included in wills. Wives of 50 years get excluded from wills. Etc Etc Etc. Sounds like the outcome of a complex human relationship and that the LW had as good as (or better) relationship with the recently passed than her blood relative.
It happens.
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keep it, duh
You were left 10K, free and clear, without any expectation of receiving this money, out of the blue, from the goodness of this old lady's heart. She must have liked you. You left her asshole of a grandson, and you wonder whether or not you should give HIM part of it, because of what, nonspecific guilt for leaving the bastard?
What????
NO.
You still sound like a used and abused woman to feel you need to give the asshole who mistreated you, lied to you, cheated on you, took five years of your life awaay, $10,000. No wonder it took you five years to leave the jerk.
Graciously accept it, save it, put it to good use.
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A lot of issues
First of all, as a few posters have pointed out, there is no way to believe that the inheritance was divided in this way for tax reasons. That's just garbage, and any competent attorney would have pointed that out to the grandmother. Whether she would have heard and understood that is another question.
But this touches upon the second point, which is that intent counts for a lot. Barring any good evidence to the contrary, one should assume that a person who carves out space in a will naming a particular beneficiary actually wants that person to receive a legacy. Family, friend, employee-- doesn't matter. Grandma was feeling generous, and LW was the object of that generosity. If everyone knew what was going on, the gracious thing to do is say "thank you."
Now, about the issues of family, guilt, and so on. Were I and my wife to split up, I would never take anything of importance from her grandparents (if they hadn't already died). Very large bequests, family residences, memorabilia of another person's family should, in my view, stay in that family. We are not talking about that, however. We are talking about $10,000. Some people leave more than that to their cleaning lady. We have no idea about grandma's circumstances or how she set up her children.
And given that we are speaking of the LW's ex's grandmother, there may be parents in the picture. Is it possible that the real guts of the estate was left to them, to care for their retirement and be parceled out later as THEY saw fit? If so, the ex-boyfriend will get as much family support as he deserves, from their hands. This $10,000 may be nothing more than a nice gesture.
So do nothing for now. Make sure the check clears, for one thing. Then let it sit in a savings account. It is not easy for some people to receive gifts without guilt; try to do that. If you just can't, or if it appears that grandma's intent was really more complicated than leaving a little money for people who had made her life a good one, worry about that later. You could leave it to your ex, to your nieces and nephews (here the fact that it is less than $11,000 DOES make a difference for transfer taxes), or to a charity that the grandmother supported. But think carefully first. If you feel stampeded into giving it away before you are sure, then you may be tempted to overcompensate later on. And being greedy and resentful is never a good thing.
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Two points that settle it for me...
What strikes me is that she deliberately gave money separately to the partners. It's a rather unusual thing, giving money separately, especially when the two weren't legally joined. This was a deliberate choice, implying that she expects them to act as individuals, that she had the foresight to realize that the couples would not be necessarily making decisions together. If she wanted to make sure her grandchildren benefitted from the partners' choices, she'd have just given it to the grandchildren. She wanted to do some good for the partners directly.
Also,LW would still be with the guy if he had been a better person. He screwed up the situation (according to the LW) and he didn't change his behavior even after knowing that his partner had inherited that money, so in my book he knowingly surrendered it.
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Keep the money
The LW should keep the money. Although it was left to her as the "partner" of her grandson, if she didn't want this woman to have the money, she would have just left it to the grandson. Blood relationships are not everything. Perhaps the grandmother felt an affinity or a friendship with this woman that she hadn't felt with some of her relatives. Besides, what would have happened if the grandson had formed a new relationship with someone that the grandmother didn't even know. Should this new "partner" get the money? Give the grandmother some credit. She probably had a lawyer help her write up the will. I think it would be going against the grandmother's wishes to give the money back to the grandson.
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Keep the money - from personal experience
I was in a similar situation (though worth less money). I broke up with my ex after a string of lies and infidelity. At the end, there was an issue of about $1000 that I sort "ethically" owed him, because he'd spent some travel money that we wouldn't be using together.
I paid back the money, and later regretted it A LOT. Part of the reason I paid it was to prove that I was a good person, because he'd told me so many times how horrible he thought I was.
I should have closed the book and saved the money for myself. He took the risk, when he paid the money initially, that it would not get paid back. I did not force that risk upon him - he chose it freely as an adult, and then freely chose to lie and be unfaithful. It was not my ethical responsibility to mitigate his risk. Not paying would have been perfectly legal. In fact, in cheating, he could have forseen that he would suffer many losses (including this one). I later regretted paying him, when I needed money and did not have it.
If this is not convincing enough, imagine the lesson it will teach him about treating people well so that they don't end up with $10,000 that could have been his. This lesson alone (and its potential benefit to a lifetime of his future girlfriends) is worth keeping the money! Enjoy it!