Letters to the Editor
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Legal versus ethical
The letter writer left her ex recently; her ex's grandmother died before the LW left. Granny bequeathed the LW the money because she was the grandson's partner, and for no other reason. The LW is no longer the grandson's partner; ergo, she is not entitled to the money, no matter what the will says. There's legal, and there's ethical. She should give the money back--and she knows it.
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I disagree
If the LW's grandmother had simply given the money to the LW because she was her grandson's spouse, there would have been no point in dividing it the way that she did. She did, however, have the opportunity to get to know the LW - an opportunity that wouldn't have existing if the LW hadn't married into the family, naturally.
The money was given, by her, to you. Not to "her grandson and his family," to you. If you choose to give all or part of it to your ex, as Cary says that's your decision. However, this is like Vegas - its easy to give away money that "isn't really yours." If you had won $10k in a lottery, would you feel like giving half of it to your ex to help him out? If so, then by all means do the same with this windfall. If not, then please think long and hard about this.
But its your decision. Just as it was your ex's grandmother's decision to give it to you in the first place.
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My Grandmother Once Told Me
You can always tell the true character of a person by how he or she acts when there is money to be had that he/she never worked for.
It always amazes me how seemingly normal people turn into pigs when there is an inheritance to be had.
And this is only $10,000. You wanna sell your soul for 10k?
You sure come cheap.
Because once this over you will have your entire life to live with this on your conscience....
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Two birds
He's getting almost $10,000 of his own. He's now got the means to fix his own life, assuming money is all it takes. Your share was earmarked for you. Take the money.
Hopefully you do have a check, in your name, waiting for you at the executor's office. Hopefully it won't involve lawyers and accusations from your ex and a long court battle. But in case it does, figure out now what kind of headache it's worth to you. How much do you want to fight for what's yours? Or do you think the grandmother wouldn't have given you anything if she'd known about the breakup?
She thought you deserved the money because you loved and lived with and made a life with her grandson. The fact that that life is over doesn't change the fact that it existed. Take the money.
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Easy: gIve it back
The right thing to do is easy to figure out: give it back to the family. It's not just about you and your ex; what's most important here is the grandmother's intentions. If the grandmother had put you in the will after the split, then you would be entitled to the money, but it seems clear that what she intended was for you and the ex to use the money together to build a life. Do you really think she would have kept you in the will if you had split before she died? That seems incredibly unlikely -- even if she was a generous, wonderful woman, family (for most) comes first. Seriously, how often does an ex get an inheritance?
Since neither of you are in dire straits, your concerns and your ex's are secondary. You might think of it as payback -- and really, that's the only justification here. If you had been the one cheating, for example, you probably wouldn't feel any entitlement (unless you were completely amoral). I apologize for the cliche, but two wrongs don't make a right.
The right thing to do is what the grandmother would have intended. Now, who knows if that means that your share should all go to the ex, or if it should be split evenly with the brother and his partner as well? If you (understandably) don't want to be generous to the ex, you can give each of them 1/3 and still have a clear conscience. If you keep the money, I have a feeling that you will always feel a little guilty about it.
One might argue that he hurt you, so you should be allowed to hurt him, and I don't think these feelings should be completely ignored. These feelings might make it understandable if you keep the money, but they don't make it right.
One of the things that's puzzling me is this: why wasn't the money dispersed sooner after she died (and before you split)?
* I'm getting the sense that Cary's recent replies just encourage the letter writers to indulge themselves and do just what they want, now. It might feel good in the short term, but it's not always the best choice in the long run. Sometimes what people are looking for is to be prodded in the right direction, but Cary doesn't do that; he just gives affirmations.
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Pffffftttt
Who's acting like a pig? The money was left to her, in her name. She is not asking for more. If her ex's family is hassling her though, that says everything right there.
The relationship is over now, but she put in her time with that man and clearly gave him her heart. It ois not at all unusual for property to be divided after a breakup. In this case, she is only taking what is hers.
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Easy
My ex's grandmother left me some money -- should I share it with him?
No.
Next.
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Legal/ethical part 2
After a death--and a breakup--things are likely to be a bit chaotic. There's nothing that says the LW can't put the money away where neither s/he nor the partner would access it until a set time (like a CD, for example). The passage of time would allow the LW to make a decision s/he could live with.
The ex's behavior-cheating etc. and probably spending their joint money on flings makes one have no pity for the ex, to be honest. in addition, there are other ways to 'return' the money to the family.
For example, the LW could start a 529 (I can't remember if that's the correct #) account for the Ex, and put the money there, so that he can only use it for school expenses. Or, the LW could start a similar college fund for nieces/nephews. i.e.--The money could go back to the family, but in a way that the LW could control, so that the Ex couldn't harass the LW or other family members for the money.