Letters to the Editor
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Easy: gIve it back
The right thing to do is easy to figure out: give it back to the family. It's not just about you and your ex; what's most important here is the grandmother's intentions. If the grandmother had put you in the will after the split, then you would be entitled to the money, but it seems clear that what she intended was for you and the ex to use the money together to build a life. Do you really think she would have kept you in the will if you had split before she died? That seems incredibly unlikely -- even if she was a generous, wonderful woman, family (for most) comes first. Seriously, how often does an ex get an inheritance?
Since neither of you are in dire straits, your concerns and your ex's are secondary. You might think of it as payback -- and really, that's the only justification here. If you had been the one cheating, for example, you probably wouldn't feel any entitlement (unless you were completely amoral). I apologize for the cliche, but two wrongs don't make a right.
The right thing to do is what the grandmother would have intended. Now, who knows if that means that your share should all go to the ex, or if it should be split evenly with the brother and his partner as well? If you (understandably) don't want to be generous to the ex, you can give each of them 1/3 and still have a clear conscience. If you keep the money, I have a feeling that you will always feel a little guilty about it.
One might argue that he hurt you, so you should be allowed to hurt him, and I don't think these feelings should be completely ignored. These feelings might make it understandable if you keep the money, but they don't make it right.
One of the things that's puzzling me is this: why wasn't the money dispersed sooner after she died (and before you split)?
* I'm getting the sense that Cary's recent replies just encourage the letter writers to indulge themselves and do just what they want, now. It might feel good in the short term, but it's not always the best choice in the long run. Sometimes what people are looking for is to be prodded in the right direction, but Cary doesn't do that; he just gives affirmations.