I can say what happened to me. My experience came after I stopped drinking and realized it had been killing me. Before, life had been a burden. I woke up most mornings groaning about waking up. But once I stopped and my head cleared, all of a sudden I saw what a marvelous piece of equipment I had been issued, despite certain flaws; that it's livingness, its spark, was a special attribute, and that the unit that was it and me only had this limited time together. I began noticing marvelous encounters with life. Simple things I'd been blind to.

I don't know if this kind of thing will happen to you. Your consciousness sees life as a burden. I don't even mean to say that something is wrong with that way of looking, or that other ways are better. Others are available. Maybe that will change for you, maybe not. Life is not easy.

Best,

Monty

(more, for free: Google "Rabid Fanatic" +"Monty Johnston"

Dear Lord please help LW to gain an understanding of the purpose of her life, to appreciate the gift of life she has now and the success and love she has known. Let her then move from there to peace with you--acceptance instead of resignation.

Breast cancer is not necessarily like cancer of the brain, or some internal organ that, once it fails, will no longer be able to support a function necessary to you continuing to live, resulting in a sudden death.

If the tumor had been found and nothing had been done, the cancer may have spread to those important organs and our poor woman would be dead. But it is also likely that the tumor would have spread aggressively, become inflamed, and LITERALLY eated the breast away. I mean that in the most disgusting terms. And I have seen it myself through my work with breast cancer patients. The pain is excruciating, the smell is obvious, and the appearence is something like a breast that has been gnawed off by rats.

If you are going to die, this is no way to do it. Even if the above described senario does not occur, it is a slow, painful death in the vast majority of cases. Better to get treated. This is not the way out to take.

A lot of patients do the wrong thing and hope to die, leaving the cancer untreated until it really starts to make them ill, and then they show up at the cancer too late for anything but palliative care as the reality of death becomes all the more painfully apparent.

The slow passive aggressive suicide is not only more painful for you, but more painful for your family, whatever it's size.

All this talk about "live, live!" would mean more if it didn't sound so unconvincing. Some people struggle with depression and find it's a temporary problem; they get therapy or meds or their situation changes and they can look back on their depression as something rooted in the past.

And then there are people who have spent most of their lives depressed. People like me. I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy, various medications, I've been hospitalized, I exercise, I eat well, I try to think positively. And you know what? I still just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm 29 and I've spent more than half my life feeling like this; I stay around to take care of my cats and my aging parents.

Jesus, folks, stop tsk-tsking the LW for being clinically depressed. I'm not saying you have to be a cheerleader for suicide, but can't you at least admit the *possibility* that some of us find life so terribly painful that death would be a relief? Until you can do that, your insistence that life is worth living lacks empathy.

or you wouldn't go through this charade. it's okay to want to live - even if you're miserable. I wish you well...

I have to generally disagree with most of the advice you are getting. Not that I don't think you should consider a therapist, some Lexapro, an evening laying in an open field looking up at the sky to reinspire some gratitude. Those are all good ideas. But I get the impression, from your letter, that you have already tried all that, and you simply aren't really into living anymore.

I think we, as a society, are far too scared of death, we see death as the enemy. (Cary admits as much: Rage, rage against the dying light... this is a battle, against an enemy. Death is, in most of our minds, the ultimate enemy).

As I'm getting older -- not so much older, just pushing 40 -- I am , increasingly, seeing my inevitable death (whether it's 5 or 50 years from now) as an eventual release. As relief. As quiet sleep, as nothingness, as an end to the prison our bodies create for us. Whew. I've worked hard, here! I've known joy, and loneliness, and all these things: Please let me give myself over to nothingness!

Death is not our enemy; it is simply the inevitable end. Other than a few close family members, who will themselves heal from the pain of your death and then die themselves in a few years, a few decades, there is no cosmic reason any of us needs to stay here.

I take your letter not as asking whether suicide is an option, but whether accepting your illness, being grateful for your illness instead of fearful of it, is acceptable.

Go to a therapist, and try the Lexapro, and maybe try changing your life in cataclysmic ways that would make you feel good (to hell with financial success-- why don't you go do something you always wanted to do, in your heart, back when you still wanted to do things). But don't feel guilty if it's simply your time to go. They will get over it. We all do.

Kay

That was a wonderful column and great advice, and I for one really appreciate it.