Hey LW,

Keep on living. I've been clinically depressed for most of my life, which means I have had LONG stretches of not wanting to live (I'm talking years-- and I'm only 26). People say therapy will make it better, drugs will make it better... essentially they say to me what they're saying to you: treatment will make it better. Well, sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes medical treatments are just awful. Pile the awful treatments on top of an already awful, lonely situation, and all the pretty flowers, cuddly puppies, and happy futures in the world seem like so many kilograms of lifeless atomic matter. People say, "Don't worry, you'll be happy again." I say, "What the hell are you talking about? I hear words, but they make no sense."

So let me put this in very concrete terms, just in case you're the sort of person, like me, who can't abide hopeful well-wishers and want some unconditional reasons to stay alive.

1. You're helping other people simply by choosing life. Every successful or unsuccessful treatment you endure will help perfect the treatment for some other person down the line.

2. There is nowhere to go. The current science posits that consciousness is an emergent property of matter. If you kill yourself, you don't get to go on a vacation in the void. Death is not an end. Eventually you'll be conscious again, be lonely again, and probably have cancer again. You're going to have to face it, so why not face it now and figure out how to be o.k. against all odds.

3. Happiness happens mysteriously, but it helps if you do some research. It sounds like you were having a tough time before the cancer, and don't have a lot of energy to spare. That's o.k. All you need to do now is rest. If you find you have some energy, then check out the plethora of groups, books, web sites, and movies that deal with situations very similar to yours. Get as involved as you can. Keep trying until you find something that helps.

4. You could die anyway, which is scary as hell, but not as scary as the prospect of being tired, scared, miserable, *and* dying. Don't give up! Now is the time to find those deep reserves of strength! Deep inside you is a formless, timeless something that wants a good life. You can't understand it, but it's there. Find it.

5. This is a great opportunity to be honest as hell, with yourself and others. Don't worry about how it comes out: grouchy, angry, sad... whatever. Sometimes external honesty can help you discover what truly makes you feel better, cancer and chemo be damned. Initially this might mean ice cream, video games, swear words, kittens-- just about anything legal (or marginally so). Experiment. You'll find something with staying power in your life, no matter how short, long, hard, or easy that life might be.

6. Lastly, try to keep a sense of humor, even if that means just laughing for no reason five minutes a day. Life is never *all* awful, but if that's all you think about it can seem that way. Try to laugh at anything you can.

You might glean from my writing that I lean towards a Buddhist perspective of the world, which is true. I'm not practicing, but I find Buddhists to be very forthright about misery and death-- how to handle it, how to use it to make your life better. Two excellent books are "No Death, No Fear" by Thich Nhat Hahn, and "Infinite Life" by Robert Thurman. These books will not attempt to convert you if you're a Christian, Muslim, Jew, Atheist, etc. They provide a solid spiritual perspective that goes beyond the "How to Die" genre of Western Psychology. I recommend reading them; take your time.

I always wince when friends end their letters by saying, "Stay strong!" or "You're a fighter!" They don't know me at all, I'd think. I am neither strong nor do I have a clear enemy to fight. So I'm going to say to you what I say to myself, which is this: be bold! It might take years to learn how, but when you do, you'll realize you've been doing it all along, so you might as well start now.

I hope you stay alive and feel better, LW. I'll be doing the same. If it helps you, remember that we're doing it together.

at the risk of copyright infringement, I give you this poem by Webb. The strophe breaks & formatting didn't quite carry over.

I've got this hanging on my wall for when I forget.

How to Live

“I don't know how to live."

–Sharon Olds

Eat lots of steak and salmon and Thai curry and mu shu

pork and fresh green beans and baked potatoes

and fresh strawberries with vanilla ice cream.

Kick-box three days a week. Stay strong and lean.

Go fly-fishing every chance you get, with friends

who'll teach you secrets of the stream. Play guitar

in a rock band. Read Dostoyevsky, Whitman, Kafka,

Shakespeare, Twain. Collect Uncle Scrooge comics.

See Peckinpah's Straw Dogs, and everything Monty Python made.

Love freely. Treat ex-partners as kindly

as you can. Wish them as well as you're able.

Snorkel with moray eels and yellow tangs. Watch

spinner dolphins earn their name as your panga slam-

bams over glittering seas. Try not to lie; it sours

the soul. But being a patsy sours it too. If you cause

a car wreck, and aren't hurt, but someone is, apologize

silently. Learn from your mistake. Walk gratefully

away. Let your insurance handle it. Never drive drunk.

Don't be a drunk, or any kind of "aholic." It's bad

English, and bad news. Don't berate yourself. If you lose

a game or prize you've earned, remember the winners

history forgets. Remember them if you do win. Enjoy

success. Have kids if you want and can afford them,

but don't make them your reason-to-be. Spare them that

misery. Take them to the beach. Mail order sea

monkeys once in your life. Give someone the full-on

ass-kicking he (or she) has earned. Keep a box turtle

in good heath for twenty years. If you get sick, don't thrive

on suffering. There's nothing noble about pain. Die

if you need to, the best way you can. (You define best.)

Go to church if it helps you. Grow tomatoes to put store-

bought in perspective. Listen to Elvis and Bach. Unless

you're tone deaf, own Perlman's "Meditation from Thais."

Don't look for hidden meanings in a cardinal's song.

Don't think TV characters talk to you; that's crazy.

Don't be too sane. Work hard. Loaf easily. Have good

friends, and be good to them. Be immoderate

in moderation. Spend little time anesthetized. Dive

the Great Barrier Reef. Don't touch the coral. Watch

for sea snakes. Smile for the camera. Don't say "Cheese."

by Charles Harper Webb, from Amplified Dog. © Red Hen Press. Reprinted with permission.