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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
He or she can put you in touch with the hospital's support staff. It is normal to feel depressed after a cancer diagnosis, especially if you were depressed beforehand. Hospitals have psychiatrists, social workers, support groups and other support mechanisms. The more progressive hospitals can also put you in touch with complementary medicine practitioners such as acupuncturists, massage therapists, etc.
The feeling of loneliness you describe is very common among cancer patients--it can be a terribly isolating disease. But you don't have to suffer alone. Reach out and get the help you need. Don't give up.
I was forming words for a letter to a friend who is in the same situation - cancer - when I read this letter. Huh.
Four years ago, I was diagnosed with lupus. I had been sick for a long time, with the doctors all shaking their heads and saying there wasn't anything seriously wrong with me, when finally I got so sick that they had to admit there was indeed something wrong. I spent a couple of months on various medications that were supposed to get things under control. They didn't really work.
Christmas Day spent sitting wanly on a sofa with my husband deputized to jump up and volunteer for handing out presents, clearing the table, all my traditional duties, so my folks wouldn't realize how sick I was. The week after Christmas I spent in bed. Just taking a shower was exhausting; we bought a plastic chair so I could sit down in the shower.
New Year's Eve. Felt a little better. I live in the South, and one of our traditions is eating black-eyed-peas on New Year's. Not only are they delicious, but supposedly for each pea you eat, you will have a good day in the coming year. I decided I felt well enough to venture out to the grocery with my husband and buy some peas.
Everyone in Memphis must have had the same idea - there were no black-eyed-peas anywhere, just empty shelves. Not fresh peas, not canned, not dried. Nary a pea. Our resources dwindled as the day drew on and the stores closed early. Our last stop was Wal-mart. I was too weak to walk to the produce section at the back of the store, so I sat on one of the benches at the front while my husband went.
I felt so sorry for myself that I was almost in tears. I'm not usually superstitious, but the lack of peas seemed like an omen, the universe telling me that I would never have a good day again. That was about the time I noticed two children sneaking along behind the magazine racks pointing and staring at someone.
They were pointing at a man with two artificial arms. He had every right to be offended by their behavior, but instead, he beckoned them to come over, and explained that he had worked for the electric company before having an accident which caused such severe burns that both of his arms had to be amputated. He demonstrated his artificial arms, talked about how they worked, gave the kids a little lecture about not playing with electricity. They danced away, beaming, as their mother returned, very embarrassed by their behavior, and apologized on their behalf. No problem, the guy said, I love talking to kids.
Okay, now I'm sitting there thinking, I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet, how cliche is that. But it was more than that. It was the absolute graciousness with which this man met life. I realized that no matter how bad I felt, I could still be kind. And maybe it wasn't so bad not being able to walk to the back of Wal-mart on New Year's. Chances were high I would have good spells and bad spells.
Oh - by the way - they had peas. Fresh ones, two little baskets, the last ones on the shelf.
This should bring out a whole different type of crowd than the usual relationship-based letters. That's a good thing.
To the Letter Writer, I'd say this: Please live. Why? Because at some point, as you continue to live, something will happen that will make you say, "I am glad I am around for this."
I'm a guy who has been suicidal at many different times in my life. I suffered from severe clinical depression. There have been a few suicides in my family, too. One of them was related to a cancer situation -- somebody who could have gone through with treatments, but decided to make it easier. Another suicide among my friends was somebody with severe pain issues.
I can't fault either of them for taking their lives. But I wish they hadn't. I wish they were around to talk to. I wish they had given some warning they were going to kill themselves, because I would have loved to have had the chance to go visit them and talk to them. I hadn't seen them in a couple of years and definitely consider it a major loss that I didn't.
There are plenty of reasons to live. Maybe you're blocking out or forgetting many of them. Maybe they aren't as lucid to you -- you're viewing them through a haze of depression and sadness and futility. But they are there. Give them a chance to become clearer to you.
There are two problems here, depression and cancer. The depression was around before the cancer showed up.
The writer may or may not survive the cancer. Surviving the cancer is certainly a possibility, and not a remote possibility. If she doesn't then welcome to the club; we're all going to die. If she does, then she's in good company.
Depression is a different matter. I haven't had cancer, but I've had the living death of the Black Cloud. Fortunately, there are some great medications available, and if one doesn't work one of the others probably will.
The thing is that a depressed person has to take responsibility for his or her depression. You have to do the things that will contribute to your cure. You have to reverse the downward spiral. You have to socialize when you don't feel like it. You have to go to dinner and a movie when you don't feel like it. You have to go to the doctor and try out the medications. Eventually, you will find something that works.
And if it turns out that The Gods decree that you have to go out, then so be it. The rest of us are right behind you. Best wishes.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
