Letters to the Editor
-
Damn good answer.
Nothing to add. Good work, carry on.
-
Who's getting married here?
Keep in mind that it's not your friend getting married, it's her daughter. But you haven't mentioned anything about your relationship with the daughter.
Speaking as someone who is currently drawing up the invite list for her own wedding this month, my parents' friends were low on the priority list, unless they were especially close to me and played an important role in my life.
-
Were Dear Abby, Carolyn Hax and Miss Manners unavailable for comment?
This is small-time stuff. Just politely ask if you were invited. Be gracious at the answer. No harm done. Easy.
-
Fabulous advice
Especially the last part. It's a wedding. I know it's a big party and we all want to be included, but weddings are also kind of boring. Don't take it too seriously.
-
It's her DAUGHTER'S wedding.
Thus, the letter writer's friend neither invited her, nor neglected to invite her. She's manufacturing controversy where none need exist.
Weddings seem to be of two types these days: the ludicrously expensive or the very, very small. The ludicrously expensive are too expensive to invite the entire world to; the ridiculously small are often limited to nuclear family and close friends. Either money is dear or space is. It's just the way it is.
-
You've gotta ask - but lightly
I disagree with the posters below.
Whether or not she should be, the LW is hurt, and is questioning what the friendship is really made of. So I think the LW should enquire.
Talking about emotional issues in friendships is hard because friendships are meant to just work. Unlike 'relationships', which are entitled to consume untold energy and resources, friendships are meant to always be well oiled and ready to go, no questions asked. But they're not. Just like a romantic relationship they need straightforward communication sometimes to maintain their roadworthiness.
The LW should bear in mind though that weddings can be horrendously stressful, beyond all imaginging for anyone not directly involved, and so it's perfectly possible that her friend is not communicating much at present for reasons that have nothing to do with her.
For this reason I advise the LW to separate out the 'what's happening with our friendship' issue and the 'I would love to be invited to the wedding' issue. The friend may not be equipped to get into the first question right now, but by finding out the facts about the second question it will help with the first question when the post wedding time comes.
How about phoning up and saying, as lightly as possible (because it really doesn't have to be a big deal and you really do just want to get the facts) 'I'm getting the feeling I'm not invited to your daughters' wedding.' Wait for friends' answer. Then help with the inevitable awkwardness if in fact the LW is not invited. Quickly rush in with something like 'There are just too many people to invite, right? Well I'll be thinking of you all and I'd love to give your daughter a gift. What would be good?' Then get off the phone.
See how you feel after you've talked. You might feel relieved to hear what the reason is. You might feel angry, or hurt - whatever it is you can then go forward with some facts.
Finally, I don't know why weddings have to be a trigger for every emotional crisis and showdown in the book, but in my experience they often are.
-
"This isn't the court of Louis XIV."
Best-ever line from Cary.
-
LW...
I hope for your sake that not being invited was just an oversight by a overly occupied friend and not a brush-off. But you won't rest easy until you find out for sure, so follow Cary's advice. Unfortunately, I've found out that important life events like weddings can reveal who your true friends are.
-
Keep It In Your Wallet
I know weddings are important. I mean, they must be, right?
I think I have been trained to believe that they are incredibly, incredibly important. They must be. They seem to define:
who's in, who's out
who has money, who doesn't
who has happy parents, or doesn't
who's fat, who isn't
who is dating, or isn't
who the bride's close to, or not
who knows whom, or doesn't
who loves their kids more
...etc., ad truly pukitoreum.
I really don't think they're about marriage any more.
Who in their right mind spends thousands of dollars and stresses relationships to the breaking point for a few hours that are soon folded away in a scrapbook?
I know lots of married people. Some happy, some not. But apart from a few in the first few months of their marriages, not one has ever hauled out those photos to show off and gone all misty-eyed over The Day.
People talk about money worries more than they do nuptials. Anybody connecting the dots?
Lord, this country's nuts.
-
Cary knows best
I was going to say that you should let your friend know that you are sad about the fact that you haven't gotten an invitation to her daughter's wedding.
But Cary provides a superior solution, release your friend from any guilt. If she decided not to include you on the guest list, give her that leeway as a gesture of your friendship.
Maybe it was an oversight and maybe it wasn't. Being a friend is about what you give, not what you receive, right?
-
Ask not for whom the bell tolls
To second divorced old bat below, I agree weddings have gotten right out of control.
My ideal is the kind of wedding had by Laura in Little House on the Prairie, or Elizabeth and Jane Bennett in Pride and Prejudice - a church service where the bride wears white, followed by a joyous breakfast at a normal house to which you invite friends and family, and then, fairly soon after, goodbye! The married couple go on honeymoon.
It's not only disgustingly expensive and a descent into consumerist hell, elaborate weddings put huge strain on the soon to be married's relationship as well.
-
Weddings have gotten completely out of hand
Amen and hallelujah to Anonymous (For whom the bell tolls). My favorite movie wedding is at the end of Much Ado About Nothing (Emma Thompson, Denzel Washington, et al). A simple summer dress that happens to be white, flowers in your hair, and a some of genuinely happy and carefree people throwing flowers at you while you dance for joy.
There is so much stress at weddings these days! I didn't have an extravagant wedding (guest list nor expense) but if I had to do it over again, I'd go even simpler. Backyard kind of thing even.
It's about the MARRIAGE not the WEDDING. People need to get over it.