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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
You are both in your 40's, have been living together for 8 months, and he can't tell his parents? Do you imagine that he will someday propose marriage, or that he will do so while his parents are still alive?
You are wasting your time, he obviously doesn't love you enough. Get out now before he steals what is left of your youth.
The LW's situation is just one more variant in a long line of distressed women with men who won't commit.
We ladies have made it way too easy for men to not have to bother to take us seriously, never mind cherish us. They dress up their reasons for keeping us at arm's length all kinds of ways: "I don't need a piece of paper," "I'm not ready yet," "I have to stay with my wife for my kids' sake," or in this case, "my parents won't like it." If we weren't so expendable, so pathetically easy to replace, there'd be a lot less of this. It comes in all colors, but it all adds up to one sad reality:
The sexual revolution has been one lousy deal for women.
As Salon readers have pointed out the Asian culture relates differently to family , whereas Western culture relates to the happiness of the individual.
The LW is in her 40s. Her Chinese boyfriend is his his 40s. He is an ONLY SON. He feels great obligation to please his parents. These roots go very deep.
Even when a Chinese son marries a Chinese wife, it is up to the young husband to protect his wife from her in-laws (his parents). Take the case of my nephew.
My nephew, 40, is married to a v successful Chinese businesswoman. They live in China.
He has coached his wife to success in the professional, social and familial arena. Her financial acumen is entirely her own, however my nephew has seen to it that his wife has a clear power structure at home and has also taught her how to assert herself in the businessworld, where her success is now so apparent she no longer has to fight for turf.
At home, my nephew's parents (my brother and his wife ) live with them in one of their several homes. During renovations, my nephew told his mother that she must not under any circumstance volunteer any opnion on the kitchen sink or the placement of the kitchen sink. He told his mother, "Do you think it is only a kitchen sink? No. This is a woman's dream to organize and decorate her house the way she likes. You are not to offer any opinion."
My nephew has set up expectations for the rest of their lives so that his wife is number one, and made it clear that his wife has superceded his mother's power position.
This may be useful for many Chinese sons to consider, for traditionally Chinese mothers in law wield great power in the family, especially over the daughter in law. If the Chinese mother in law in question is a Westernized woman of a laissez-faire, egalitarian temperament then of course it is unecessary to do this.
Not only that, my nephew liberated his wife from potential tyranny of the power of the older generation, while observing all courtesies, duties and kindnesses to the generation above him.
When his wife's father sought to lecture his wife on a financial point (they were both in the same type of financial field professionally ) my nephew said to his father in law, " Do you lecture X? Don't lecture X in front of me. She is a capable woman." The father in law never lectured his daughter again.
His daughter, my nephew's wife, is now globally and publicly recognized in her field.
This story does not relate to the (racial ) choice of a bride in a Chinese family. It relates to the ongoing pattern of relating to one's seniors in a Chinese family. It is the story of how one Chinese son has set the stage for peaceful relations between his wife and his parents, his wife and her parents...(as well as the relations between his wife and her professional competitors.)
The pedantic cultural education stuff is very nice, but this guy is involved with a white American woman, and is keeping her a secret because she is the made of the wrong stuff. He is screwing her around - plain and simple. This is an adult woman, not a little girl, and by the usual cultural practices (traditions) of the US - where they live - she doesn't have to put up with this. Please stop excusing this - it is only naked force being used in a racist fashion.
You know what? The Chinese parents already know that you're living together. They're not stupid. They're just waiting to see what happens. And because their son won't come forward with this bit of information, they're hoping that if they don't acknowledge it either, the "problem" will go away.
Wow, been there, done that. Wait, still doing it. Even thought 'rents (Korean, this time, but I had a Chinese boyfriend before) have warmed up to me, there are still issues with diluting that lovely Asian gene pool with my nasty whiteness.
East Asians are probably among the most racist people on Earth, but even his cold-hearted parents will eventually come around. It just takes time.
FYI, as someone who lived in China and studied Chinese, his parents will like you a lot more if you learn Chinese. Not exactly a little known fact, but hard to consider. I mean, they might never warm up, but you will have gained a valuable skill.
I'm glad you betrayed Betrayal Week. This was one really great article. Every so often, you come up with something that just cuts right through to the heart of the matter and informs my socks off. This response was one of them. Whether the essence of the problem between LW and her boyfriend was personal or cultural, the approach you suggested would address either. I found it elegant and wise.
And btw, here's one reader who agrees 100% that the "one letter, one answer" format works for you. It really does. :)
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