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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
So, betrayal week has been betrayed, and we're talking about relationships again. Love and Betrayal, Betrayal and Love. Artists betraying their lovers. Lovers who aren't artists. And the colts won the superbowl. Hurray!
Dear letter writers,
Those of you who think Cary is an idiot don't have to read his column. You have a choice; no one is holding a gun to your head. Why you waste so much time, however, going on and on about your opinion of him is beyond me. It takes away from the pleasure of reading the readers' responses, which of course you don't care about. If Cary is such a terrible writer and/or gives such bad advice as you suggest, then why is it that he is paid to write the column and you are forced to just spout your unwanted, sometimes obscene, drivel for free?
I hope you weren't referring to me, Appletree. I'm a Cary-fan. I was just blathering, because I can : )
I don't know the LW or her boyfriend or his parents so they can decide for themselves if this would work in their case, but one thing I've found in my own experience with managing overprotective parents is that if you give them a great big sit-down "Mom, Dad, we've got something to tell you," that makes them think they get some say in the matter. If you just mention it in passing, that tells them that it's a done deal and not up for discussion. So instead of a great big talk, just stop hiding and tell the truth when it comes up. If they ask, just say "Oh, she lives here now," then move on to more interesting topics.
Three issues I see: maturity, love, and immigration.
I apologize if this indicates any cultural insensitivity on my part, but jeez - this 40 year old man needs to cut off the umbilical cord, develop an honest relationship with his parents, and do what HE thinks is right. Isn't that the point of being an adult?
Love is only valuable if it's unconditional. It appears that his parent's love and approval rests on very strict and narrow conditions about who he chooses to marry. He needs to help his parents realize that their love is unconditional - by going through a period of conflict with them first.
Many generations of first and second generation immigrants have had to fight against, and eventually abandon the racist, backward attitudes of their parent's generation. This is America - people live with, work with, date and marry people from every imaginable racial, cultural and religious background in the world. That's something that makes this country great, and it's part of the whole package when you immigrate.
Dude needs to grow up, parents need to deal, or girl needs to move on!
This relationship reminds me of the night-blooming cereus. Any relationship that would wither if the light of day shone upon it is not hardy enough to survive. Your boyfriend lives in secrecy because the pull of his parents' opinion is so great that he cannot set himself free to live his own life. But really, living in total freedom is a very Western concept. We really do worship at the altar of self-determination. I certainly do. But in other cultures, the individual is not more important than his or her obligation to familly. Your boyfriend is Asian, you and he are not the same. He is at a crossroads where he either embraces you and accepts that he'll not be a good Asian boy, or he fully embraces the bulk of his culture. It's so easy to say he's unmanly or a coward for making you his secret, but what he needs is understanding combined with a deadline for action. You cannot live as a secret. My dear friend, who is gay, has a partner with whom she has lived for 10 years. Her partner's family has no idea that she exists, so she spends every holiday alone, she goes unescorted to weddings, she lives without the joy of knowing that others think that your love is a good thing. I feel for you boyfriend and for my friend's girlfriend, but I don't respect living in secrecy. Whether or not a person is having a sexual identity crisis or a cultural identity crisis, the reality is that you cannot bury your head in the sand or live in secrecy - it only serves to hurt those you love.
if the BF is using the excuse of the older white GF to avoid having children? The presumption from many of the posters is that the BF is just passing time with GF. I suspect that if they had a child, the parents would come around. Maybe the real issue is that the BF does not want to tell his parents that he really does not want children. The GF is an easy excuse.
The man is in his forties. If he really wanted children, I suspect he could have had them already.
To the LW: Are you living in his house, your house, or a house that you both own? If it is your house, tell BF to either leave or have his parents over for dinner. If it is his house, keep your own place - and don't contribute one nickle on the upkeep. (You'll probably have to leave on short notice.) If it is a house that you both own, invite his parents over for dinner - and inform BF that they are coming for dinner. If nothing else, this issue will be settled one way or the other.
By the way, check out the movie "Saving Face." Lovely film about all kinds of coming out in an Asian family.
I'm an overseas Chinese living in an Asian country (as in not living in mainland China, Taiwan or Hongkong), and although your situation is an American setting, I can't help but see the same patterns out here as well, i.e. Chinese parents unaccepting of non-Chinese spouses/partners.
I didn't marry a Chinese btw (neither did my only sibling), and I had to fight to gain my parents' understanding & acceptance of my non-Chinese fiancee. Things got a lot better after the marriage and when the grandkids came along, to the point that when it was my brother's turn to take a non-Chinese bride, he had it real easy.
However, I do feel that it's a little unfair to say that this guy hasn't the balls to stand up for her.
We Chinese men, particularly if raised outside of China, have it drummed in our heads that our parents sacrificed so much to give us the easy life we take for granted now. To not honour their wishes would be tantamount to betrayal. Although on the surface their demands sound ludicrous, sometimes these parents aren't being monsters or selfish bastards, they just truly & earnestly believe they are acting in the best interest of their children, and doing so based on what they know - their culture, heritage & own upbringing.
This guy might actually be a brave, bold & principled man. And ironically, perhaps that's exaclty why he's in a pickle - his principles tell him not to dishonour his mother & father - and yet he loves this woman too.
I too struggled with not only the Chinese culture I was raised in, but also ideas & values picked up in other environments (including a Western education). I've resolved to take just take the positives of both worlds, and work on a balance. It doesn't work out all the time, but it's the best I can do with what I've got.
My suggestion though, is that the couple should approach the parents, and with great warmth, resolution, love & tenderness, demonstrate that this is good for THE FAMILY, that the foundation built by his parents will not be subverted simply because a non-Chinese has entered the house gates.
From my experience, nothing will make a Chinese father & mother more proud than seeing their filial son, rising to his full measure as a man, making this stand with love & respect not only for them but also the woman he's chosen to love. They've raised him well.
And that's universal, I think.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
