It seems to me that the real issue here is that the woman entered into a semi-committed relationship based on a deception. Heretige & culture are just fluff around the edges. She moved in with a man who is not committed to her. The only solution is to move out & see where it goes from there. Find out what he's willing to do to keep her in his life.

>This isn't about hiding HER, it's about him being dishonorable. He wants the sex and the cooking and half the rent paid, but he doesn't want to upset his parents. That is, he wants to disobey them but he wants to appear as if he's not.<

Agreed--this is an old, old story. In old-fashioned terms, LW is good enough to be his "back-street" woman, but not good enough even to acknowledge he's living with her, much less marry. If he can't stand up to his parents on this, he never will, so she's better off getting out while the getting's good.

For what it's worth, I'm a straight black man. I've dealt with this twice in cohabiting with girlfriends. I will never put up with it again. What it is is a weak form of enforced closeting; many homosexual people feel compelled to come out of their closets because being closeted is an ugly and unnecessary experience. Life is short, and you're just about past halfway; do not consent to being imprisoned in this way - you simply don't have the time. In terms of cultural sensitivity, it's important to remember that you in the US (and I in Canada) are not requiring that people take up interests in speed metal or radical politics. What is being asked is minimal politeness in reaction to utterly common and well accepted North American practice.

and one thing that sticks out is the falseness of the old platitude about people being pretty much the same the world over. As people have already pointed out, values differ enormously by culture.

I had the great fortune to learn this at an early age, serving in the Peace Corps in Korea, perhaps the most Confucian of all Confucian cultures. At the end of my term, I worked as training staff for Peace Corps and married a colleague, one of the Korean language instructors. Her family held a variety of reservations, but my wife was and is a strong-willed person who would not have done well, by her admission, married to a Korean man of that age. It helped a lot that I speak Korean and have some understanding of the culture, but the whole marriage has been a continuing education. One thing her family did for me that startled me slightly at the time and even more now that I understand it better was to include me in the family register. Among other things, this means I have dual US/Korean citizenship, but it took real chutzpah on their part to include me in the family, especially given that the family is nobility. You can look up both her great-aunt (Queen Yun) and her great-great aunt (Queen Min) on wikipedia - these women were not retiring, shy, submissive Asian flowers. This was something I was not aware of until we'd been married for quite some years, but there it is, and it does explain a lot. It also is one of those family tales one can use as good examples for the children - viz "Your g-g aunt thought it so important to keep Korea independent that she was killed for it."

My wife is now clan matriarch, and has responsibilities that come with that, yet another bit of education for me. I've seen situations like the LW describes, and understand the conflict the man's parents and the man himself is undergoing. The root in my opinion is the clash between the western, especially American, high value of the individual, against the eastern, especially Confucian, high value of the family. And one can say that, recognize it to some degree, but it it so deeply a part of us that often it's difficult to recognize that it underlies how we react to situations like that.

Good Lord, people. Stop referring back to the straw man of racism and get to the heart of the issue. You're both over 40 and still single! Some other readers have pointed this out as well. I am an Asian man myself and know several others. Yes, family obligations may be relatively stronger for children of recent immigrants (independent of race or culture, mind you), but neither the white woman or Asian man has any sort of proven maturity in their relationships even into their 40s. This isn't an indication of an issue with the parents, but with themselves.

They both need to grow up.

And to Cary and the rest of you readers on the interwebs, do not use this dysfuntional couple as a model for inter-racial relationships. Dysfunction will magnify differences that most people, most FUNCTIONING people should and do overcome.

Immigrants will always be protective of their children; they've worked hard to come to this country and provide a life for their families. This includes the Irish and Italians of the 19th century all the way up to the more recent Asian immigrants. These feelings aren't racial or cultural; instead they are borne from the traits that made them successful immigrants in the first place. Even so, most functional first generation Americans (including humbly, me) are able to separate family obligations with sheer insanity. So once again, don't hold this idiotic couple up as the end all, be all. They're simply an outlier on the bellcurve of humanity.

Before we start assuming this is a trait of all Asian men, let me just say that spineless, no balls men come in all colors. Okay? Okay.

Honestly, I can't see how the rest of the relationship can be any good with this huge elephant hanging out with you all the time.

For the record, I'm Chinese-American, suffered under similar parental pressure and made a stand for myself in my mid-20s by moving away to another city and *gasp* living with my boyfriend. My parents had a choice of either disowning me or accepting my individuality. Today, my mom and I talk once a week (dad passed away last year and we were on good terms), and she's told me she regrets being so harsh with me back then. I've let go of the anger.

What I'm trying to say is, cultural gaps can be bridged. His parents are very, very aware of their power and use it to manipulate him. He needs to be the one to turn the tables and confront them. If he can't do it for you, he doesn't love you. Sorry. Leave and find someone who will move mountains for you. Everyone deserves someone who loves them utterly and completely.