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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I agree with you that sometimes, parents can come to give up and be part of the family. Although I've noticed that usually happens when it comes to grandchildren. In a way, I can really understand the never having grandchildren thing--that is a big one. Though he didn't exactly rush to have children in his youth, either.
I remember when one of my Chinese-American friends introduced the soon-to-be (white) mother of their child to his mother, she remarked that his fiance was "ugly." His sister, on the other hand, was free to date any white guys she pleased. Likewise, other friends invloved with Asian guys initially met great resistance with the parents (while they seemed to love the white dudes the girls brought into the family). In one couple, the woman still has to deal with the "fat" remarks 20 years later!
I don't give a shit how many generations have preserved the status quo, it's never, ever acceptable to call your future daughter-in-law, "ugly."
Furthermore, this has nothing to do with the men in question. Obviously in the above cases, these awesome men stood up for their partners. You're going to find spineless mama's (and daddy's) boys in every culture (you can almost substitute the LW's plight with overbearing Italian or Jewish parents). It's up to the individual to break tradition.
With all the Asian female-white male couples around, you have to wonder why this doesn't come up more often...it's the double standard.
Can you imagine that Visa commercial with the genders reversed??
Perhaps it is their wish to have a Chinese daughter in law with whom they can speak Chinese. Many first generation immigrants do not speak the language well, because they had been working night and day in their family shop, and did not have the benefit of free time for education. So they gave best to the contract they knew: sacrifice for the children because they are not separate from you. Nurture them because they are part of you.
DOn't use tradition to justify bullying. I have known first and second generation Chinese who do not do this. They came here, they knew what they were getting into, they raised the children between two worlds.
It is not their lives. And racist traditions deserve no quarter. I refuse to "respect" racism against anyone on the basis of "culture" and "tradition". China itself is changing, so let's not act like modern Chinese reinforce this. Bullying parents know no race and limit. There's a reason "in-law troubles" are right up there in the top five reasons for divorce.
On top of that, if they want grandchildren, they come from her. The couple has more power here, if they choose to use it. He can back them off, if he wishes.
I suspect he likes being able to use Mommy and Daddy as an excuse. This is "infantile". This is "immature". One of the things about dating cross-culturally is tolerance BOTH ways. I see it on her part. Where is his?
One week. Even that is really too long.
He doesn't love you and never will. You are nothing more than an exotic cum rag for him to use and then throw away when his mommy and daddy find out. Grow up stupid you don't love him either stick to your own kind.
I am really surprised at the racisim and intolerance in some of these responses. I have had some similar problems with my Chinese Mother-in-law. She has made comments about me that are not flattering, expects me to clean up the dinner table while my husband sits there, etc. But she is an old woman. Do I really expect her to change? No. I accept her for her limitations because she is family. My parents make some ignorant comments about Chinese culture as well that I try to gently correct. My husband doesn't expect them to change either. In the end, I want my daughter to grow up knowing both of her families.
LW, I suggest you spend some time getting to understand your boyfriend's family and their cultural traditions. Work with your boyfriend to see how he can start to integrate you into his family. What does he think the primary hangup is? If it is language, perhaps you can try to take some courses in Mandarin or Cantonese and the family may be happy to see that you are making an effort. If it is grandchildren, then you and your boyfriend need to decide whether you want to have children together.
Also, you don't mention your family. How do they feel about your relationship? Maybe you are not close to your parents and don't care about their opinion? If that is the case, then this may also be the root of your impatience with your boyfriend. If not, are there some things that your boyfriend can do to make this situation easier for you?
In any case, perhaps this situation is a gift to you. You have a chance to examine your relationship with your boyfriend and decide how much you are willing to compromise in order to make his family happier. If the answer is none, then maybe you don't want this relationship badly enough. The same goes for your boyfriend. If he is not willing to at least tell his parents the truth about your relationship and make some changes then perhaps this relationship is not important enough to him.
I lived in China for a while, and this letter reminds me of a moral puzzle that a couple of Chinese friends quizzed me with. It goes like this:
You are in a boat with your Mother and your wife. The boat starts to sink and you can only save one person, your Mother or your wife. Who do you save?
I quickly answered, "my wife."
"You can tell you're an American," my Chinese friend said,
"A Chinese person would save their mother."
"Really?" I asked.
"Of course," she said. "You can always get another wife, but you only have one Mother."
1. Let's stop stereotyping and trotting out the old 'yellowface' archetype of the Asian man with no balls and tiny dick.
Paul made an excellent post on how this is not an Asian-man issue, but a "man without principle" issue. Any man from any culture can jerk you around, if you let him.
The parent-excuse is handy. While it's true the parents hate you, it is still an excuse. And it sounds a lot better to you than "hey babe, i like only paying half the rent and having on-call pussy because it's convenient, but if push comes to shove, I don't love you enough to fight for you."
2. Now, as for the parents...domini had some wonderful points that bear repeating. Bullying is not acceptable, and the parents trying to hide it under culture is a smokescreen, and very manipulative.
To the poster who says that the parents are only doing this because they want to have grandchildren who speak the same language-- I call BULLSHIT.
Imagine for a moment the sentence "As a Chinese grandfather, I don't want my son to marry a White Woman, because the grandchildren won't speak Chinese."
Why are we cutting ethnic minorities so much slack for such blatant racism?
Imagine if I changed the race descriptors to this "As a WHITE grandfather, I don't want my son to marry a CHINESE woman, because the grandchildren won't speak ENGLISH." That white grandfather will find the ACLU, NAACP, and a whole slew of other groups camped out on his lawn, decrying him for his racism.
It's really no different no matter who's saying that. And that poster, as well as any parents who espouse this idea, are missing the fact that if someone cares enough, they can learn another language, whatever that language is.
As for the ancestor worship/reverence-- I'm an Asian-American woman, the first generation to be born here, and my parents and I have discussed this. The conclusion we've come to is-- when you're dead, you're dead. You can have 100 sons all praying for you, you're still dead.
We have no patience for superstitions (in organized religion or otherwise) being used as justification for bullying, or as justification for not making the most of your life here on earth. Even if you want to follow a silly ritual, it's unfair to use religion to try to control others, who may not share the same beliefs.
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