Site Presented By
Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
The consensus seems to be that the parents are being racist and need to treat people the same, regardless of race. I offer a dissenting view.
Perhaps it is their wish to have a Chinese daughter in law with whom they can speak Chinese. Many first generation immigrants do not speak the language well, because they had been working night and day in their family shop, and did not have the benefit of free time for education. So they gave best to the contract they knew: sacrifice for the children because they are not separate from you. Nurture them because they are part of you.
So children grow up and find that they live in another cultural milleu, where they are expected to be individuals. Their contract states that they can only respect themselves if they break away from the parents. They signed up to the older contract without having any say and denigrated by others in the US if they understand and live up to what they had brought up in.
So parents are old, and they begin to wish to be able to have a family in which everyone can talk to each other at the breakfast table where the chasm between the daughter in law and themselves seem bridgeable. A wish in the immigrant family for someone that talks like them is not always about ideas about Western women. It may surprise you to know that many Asian parents feel inferior to the white customers many serve everyday. No, this can be about wanting to remain connected to the children.
This is not to say that children must live solely for the parents. They too must make difficult choices, but it is not easy. And, they must first understand their parents not as evil but as people struggling to remain connected and be loved.
My father is one such "ogre" who has refused to accept my brother's girlfriend. My husband to be is German, but he is accepted. I have been disowned in my youth for the same reason. In many Asian families, we remain connected in deep and profound ways, and some of us grow and change within. We do have a different culture, even from non-immigrant Asians.
So LW, insisting on the truth is good, but first find out what the real truth is. It is such a stereotype, you know, the ogre parents and the wronged foreigner.
I agree that the idea behind the words "cowardly and infantile" is not fair. The question isn't about you and him (the "golden son", or even his parents). Its a question of you and their old-fashioned cultural values.
Seek advice from his cousins (or anyone with the knowledge) to gain a better understanding of how his parents' cultural ideals are affecting your situation. Then it should be you that makes the decision to create change in the dynamic of your relationship, with or without an ultimatum.
Good luck, it's not going to be easy.
In response to the anonymous comment stating:
"Well, if we are 'too slutty' for them, then they are spineless, unchivalrous jerks not worthy of us."
Garbage.
NEVER should have moved in with the man if he hadn't told them in the first place. Shame on him. This isn't about hiding HER, it's about him being dishonorable. He wants the sex and the cooking and half the rent paid, but he doesn't want to upset his parents. That is, he wants to disobey them but he wants to appear as if he's not. In other words, he is a big fucking liar. And this lie dishonors her and is disrespectful to her. I'd say a week is overly generous to remedy this incredible lack of character. She should tell him he can call today--or she'll call tomorrow to invite them over for dinner at the lovely home they are sharing.
Dear LW, I'm a woman in my early 40s who was involved with a Vietnamese man in his early fifties, similar situation in many respects.
What happened to me was, he did love me, I guess, but he was using me for sex. Plain and simple, he was using me and wasting what was left of my youth. If he cannot or will not marry you, then he might be doing the same thing. One day he will get tired of the conflict between you and his parents, he'll have had enough of you physically, then that will be it.
In this situation Cary's right, you need to look at you and what you want, and protect that, because one day, maybe soon, this will be over. I wish I had known this before I wasted two years on that creep I was with.
Best of luck,
Been there, done that
My Asian boyfriend was consumed with guilt over our relationship. He felt like he was literally killing his parents by being with me.
His own parents had a terrible marriage, so his mom was convinced she needed grandchildren to be happy. It didn't matter to her whether her son was happy in his relationship as long as she had the grandbabies. That's tradition.
Cary's right -- it's up to him to decide which relationship is more important to him. He'll string you along indefinitely unless he's forced to decide.
Some traditions need adjusting. We're all ultimately responsible for our own happiness.
I'm with those who are expecting this will end badly. Having seen variations of culture clashing before (my grandfather was Chinese, grandmother Japanese--NOBODY from either family went to the wedding or started speaking to them until they had kids--in fact I think my grandmother's brothers were threatening physical harm--and that's just one example), yes, there is a culture clash here, and generally, there are two ways to deal with it--go with the family even if it makes you unhappy, or go against the family, even if it means they are upset with you/disown you etc. I wouldn't make a value judgement as to which way is better, but it's not as if either path is pre-ordained by culture or temperment. Each individual has to make up their own mind as each situation arises, and the evidence seems to point toward the BF taking the former path.
IF the situation is to work, though, the LW will have to make sure that her relationship with her BF is strong and that he is willing to acknowledge that his relationship with her is worth getting into a fight with his parents. And maybe he has been avoiding that possibility because it's too painful and it's more comfortable for him in limbo now. If he isn't willing to do that, it's better to know now than be uncomfortable a while longer.
And while some traditionalists take this sort of thing to the grave, there are many many examples of disappointed parents who later become pragmatists, realize they are only hurting themselves by holding onto a dream that is no longer real. People can come around, if given enough time. It's not just Asian parents--one can imagine it happening with some parents of gay children for example--or someone who really really wanted a child to follow a certain career path that the child didn't want.
And in my family, after the initial taboo was broken, everyone started marrying pretty much whomever they wanted, to the point where the family tree is melting into something quite different from where it started. Most extreme point--one of my uncles married a white woman and adopted her daughters (white also) from a previous marriage. One of my white cousins then married a man who is half Japanese, half black, but we have other combinations too.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
219 Democrats and one Republican join in favor of the legislation, which passed by a narrow margin
Salon headlines in your mailbox
