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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Marrying someone who can't have children, marrying someone from another culture, and marrying someone your parents disapprove of are all pretty big deals. Does he want kids? Have you asked? Does he want a wife who will celebrate the same holidays he celebrated growing up? Do you know? It's possible for two people who are dating, and even living together, to construct a private world where the hard questions are never asked. Eventually, the private world won't be enough, and everything you fail to ask now will bite you in the ass.
Assume you give him an ultimatum and he says yes. Ten years from now he looks at you across the dinner table and says, "I don't have parents, I don't have children, I don't even have a wife who can speak the language I grew up speaking; all I have is you, and you aren't worth it."
Think about that before you pressure this guy into doing something he has demonstrated an unwillingness to do.
...operetta by Franz Lehár. I watched it in a provincial theater in Lithuania, but it made a right round-up for what tradition and purely culturally-measured judgments do to a relationship. Or rather, what it means to that Asian man type.
His hostility toward Cary borders on scary, like BA is unhinged. To foster such hatred toward over such minor thing as an advice corner suggests deep problems.
readers, let's keep it civil. After this whole Iraq and 9/11 and radical fundamentalist things, having a civil conversation even when disagreeing seems to be a fragile but proudest achievement of our times.
I have been married to an Asian psychiatrist for ten years. His parents objected to me from the start, but my husband has always taken a clinical stance. I was more important to him than they were, and while he never directly confronted them, he has always put me first. They did not attend our wedding, and have ignored my two daughters from a previous marriage. My husband simply refused to play into the drama. He spoke to them on the phone on birthdays, and that was it. Lately, they have come around a bit more. Recently, we have attended some of their social functions....his sister's piano concert, his parents' 50th anniversary celebration. His father is always polite to me, but his mother never misses a chance to take a dig at the White Slut she thinks I really am. I try to rise above her snipping, because we are happily married and have learned to accept their attitude as part of the baggage that comes with relationships formed in later years.
LW, you are not "just insecure". There are serious issues at hand here. Studies show that it takes three generations for an immigrant family to assimilate into American culture. Your BF sounds like he's less assimliated than my husband, who is also first generation. I have never given him a child of his own, but he's happy being a father to mine. The road blocks which his parents threw up were never an obstacle for him, because he loves me with all his being. While their attitude has caused us pain at times, we chose to focus on the partnership and love we share. I don't know if your BF is that mature. If he cannot distance himself from his parents' yammering about his role in fulfilling their expectations, then you will always be second fiddle. I couldn't live with that, but you have to decide if that's a deal breaker for your peace of mind. BTW, his sister married an African American, which really sent them around the bend! You might want to rent or read JOY LUCK CLUB to see an in depth study of the complex Chinese family system.
Cary's advice about telling the truth may be the first step in letting them know that as a couple, you will not be manipulated by their cultural and emotional demands.
And guilt is powerful. Your boyfriend has been trying to resist the will of his parents when it comes to marriage. Most of his life, I bet. That's why he is in his 40's, not married, living with you and keeping it a secret. He already knows how they feel about you and has no hope of convincing them otherwise. He's trying to hold them off and grow a backbone. But, sadly he won't win. And in his heart of hearts he knows he can't. And, I bet he loves you. But his parents' will is stronger than his own. He does not have a mind of his own when pitted against their will. They are out now shopping for a Chinese bride, I bet. And here is how it will play out.
Mama and Papa sans will announce to only son that they've found a suitable Chinese wife who will produce grandsons. They will say your boyfriend must marry the candidate because they promised her and her family he would. For your boyfriend to say no, his parents will tell him, would be an embarrassment to them (his parents)and bring them shame in their community because they went back on their word.
Boyfriend's parents will wear him down. And you will see it happening. You will be supportive. You will give him strong supportive advice. He might even tell you about this "bride" they are pushing on him because you are soul mates after all. You will be shocked at their audacity. You will laugh. Then one day boyfriend will meet bride-to-be, likely an import or someone local who buys in to the tradition of the old folks. He'll see her a few times. One look too many and he'll figure she's not so bad. That's when he'll suggest that the two of you live separately again and urge that "no matter what happens we are friends for life." That last line is the killer. You're out. She's in.
How do I know? It happened to me, an American Black woman. I got kicked to the curb. He was Nigerian, 45 years old, twice divorced from abusive Nigerian women his parents picked by the time I met him. You'd think he'd question their track record and go for happiness of his own choosing. But...their still picking. And they don't even live here! They are all the hell the way in Africa! And he couldn't resist! They sent him another bride! Cause the selfish bastards want a grandson! The three granddaughters he gave them are not enough! It's not race. It's culture. It runs deep. And to we gals whose heart and soul are ruled by love, it's stupid.
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