"The genius is in the form" is an expression, dipshit. It denotes that it is the form itself (one letter, one problem, etc.) that is genius, not the writer, with the added little touch of the links between "genius" and "genie." Seeing as how this little bit of subtle grammatics was beyond you, I suggest you refrain from commenting on the genius of anything.

...And I say this as a Chinese-American man.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I was in a May-December relationship with a White woman in her mid-forties. My parents knew of her, and though they disapproved, I stood my ground. (In the end, we broke up, but it wasn't because of my parents.)

A man should stand up for the love of his life. If he can't stand up for her when the chips are down, then what is she to him, really?

Are you merely a respite from the demands of his parents? Will you really be able to count on him? What kind of relationship is it when you can't stand together in the face of adversity?

I bet questions like these come your mind and gnaw incessantly at you.

Look, he can be respectful. He can be gentle. He can try to work things out with his parents and maybe negotiate some aspects of the relationship with them - perhaps a surrogate mother for offspring? But the bottom line is, he has to take a principled stand for you.

I say leave him if he cannot do that. There are other good Chinese-American men out there. :)

My aunt married a Chinese man, actually from China. In fact from China before the Revolution. They met in the late fifties/early sixties (not sure which) fell in love, and are happily married to this day. They have several children, and a beloved grandchild.

I can't tell you what my aunt and uncle went through with his family, or what they didn't. I don't know that side of the story. I know her family was very unhappy about it at the time. But I can tell you I spent a lot of time in my aunt and uncle's house when I was growing up, and I've rarely seen as good a marriage.

It can work. Good luck.

LW,

Your willingness to ask for help and set boundaries and the insight you indicate suggest a certain level of maturity. Which is why it will not work for you to try to be with a little boy, or as you less generously expressed it, someone whom you experience as “cowardly and infantile”. Your boyfriend is in fact a boy friend who has never differentiated from his mommy and daddy.

If he had, and if he had the courage to love you, then he would have cut off contact with these two controlling boundary violators at the first sign of interference in your relationship. He didn’t, and he won’t until he grows up.

You deserve to be with an adult.

It might take some work, and it'd be helpful if he makes you feel that he's on your side too. So good luck with setting the boundaries and working things out! I've seen it work with my parents, and now my brother and his girlfriend.

No one likes deadlines or ultimatums, regardless of race, gender, class, etc, yet they are understandable. I wouldn't put it on the table like that because I don't think it works. Instead this guy needs to hear it from another angle...perhaps a friend that understands the cultural bias.

If this friend has any sense (no guarantee), they'll ask the simple question to this guy: who are you marrying/going to be with, your GF or your parents? Who is going to make you happier in the long run. The answer and realization should be pretty obvious and he'll probably get it. The deadline will only put stress on a seemingly winless situation.

BTW, Asian guys aren't any more ballless or cowardly then any other race. It afflicts all races equally. The cultural context, baggage, stereotypes and the expression of the balllessness are however different.

In Asian culture the definition of a man isn't defined by money, power, swagger, big gestures (although none hurt) but instead by responsibility...personal responsibility and to others...the ability to shoulder it, not whine or run away. Even samurai (guys with MASSIVE CAJONES) lived by this rule. It's a basic tenet to Buddhism and the concept of "inter-connectiveness". (See you learn something every day.)

While I consider myself to be as westernized as possible, I can see where your bf is coming from (considering his age).

His parents won't change - being the conversative traditionalists, that they are.

This sort of tension will never go away and may be reduced over time, it will be a bitter pill to swallow for them to accept the reality that he wishes to be with you.

It is obvious that your western-ized or even completely brought up in the US, was taught his parents traditional fundamentals.

The standard caucasian response is to provide the ultimatum and then walk away.

What I suggest is provide a way to lead up to it (make sure he knows you are uncomfortable, you seek a proper way to gain his family's acceptance). The impending Chinese New Year celebration is the perfect excuse to re-introduce yourself to the family.

This is not the time to be the bold, independent, strong, solid woman. Get him to be willing to confront his parents, he may wilt, but as long as he remains steadfast to be with you, it'll work out. A test of patience, if you wish to see it that way. He has to make a statement, which is easily done by simply having you around constantly when his parents are around.

Interesting response Cary but I doubt that from his parent's point of view this is about "victory" or "defeat," or making their son miserable about his partner as you seem to suggest.

You may not realise this but "carrying on the family line" is not simply a genetic, social or material issue in Asian societies (I am an Asian myself) but part of huge spiritual and "religious" issues. For example, death and remembrance rituals require direct heirs and without them, the soul is not considered to be at peace or "pass on."

For the parents then, the biggest problem is the issue of children. I agree with the other poster: the lady needs to talk about it (has she even discussed it with her partner?) with them; and then may be work at having children.

I realise the above goes COMPLETELY against the American cultural values that place the individual and their wishes of paramount importance. And she may not WANT to have children. But that is something she needs to figure out in context of this relationship because those are the parameters - culturally, emotionally AND realistically.

From my own perspective of course this relationship is doomed. It may end now or in five years time. The lady's description of her partner's culturally engrained sense of responsibility and concern for his parents (and their wishes/feelings etc) as "infantile" and weak suggests a lack of respect and understanding on her part for him, his family, and his cultural values. THAT is a REAL indicator that this one is dead in the water.

And in any case: If this guy hasn't talked to his parents, are you sure he is interested enough in the relationship? If this couple hasnt talked about issues (like children which his parents want for him), is there a relationship? Asian men (and women) balance family responsibilities and partners all the time. Seems like he isn't convinced enough about his partner to even try sorting things out with his parents.....