How embarrassing! I meant "evanescent" and not "effervescent."

It seems like a good time to trot out one of my civil war stories.

My great-great-great grandfather was disowned by his father, a Carolina plantation owner, for marrying a Cherokee woman in 1846. Along came the Civil War and my great-great-great grandfather fought for the Yankees--he was even on Sherman's March! which passed mere miles from his own father's plantation!

Meanwhile, his father lost everything in the Civil War. When he was old and sick, none of his other children would take care of him except for the disowned one. (Maybe they couldn't; I don't know.) My great-great-great grandfather went from Alabama to South Carolina with a horse and buggy and brought his father back to Alabama, where he and his Cherokee wife took care of the old man till he died. But before he died, he reinstated his son (though it was only symbolic at that point--he had nothing.) He said "That Cherokee woman is the best woman I know."

I'm a 22 year old American-born Chinese female. I was raised in Northern California in a neighborhood with a relatively large population of Asian immigrants (generally well-off, highly educated Silicon Valley engineer types) and I can tell you that this dominant/overbearing-passive/submissive parent-child relationship is not uncommon. Huge generalization here, but almost any second generation Asian American will tell you that they've experience some sort of pressure from their parents. Early on, this pressure is more academic/career focused (Straight As!! Get into college!! Graduate school!! Medical school!! Get a job!!), but after a while the pressure inevitably shifts towards finding a husband/wife and making grandchildren. And we deal with this in different ways. Some comply, others rebel, most find some sort of middle ground. That being said, I don't find it hard to believe that there can be a guy out there who is 40 years old and still afraid of his parents! In fact, I hope for the LW's sake that this is the problem and not the "he's just using you for sex" theory that some other people have proposed... And I hope for the sake of your relationship that you can convince him to stand up to his parents.

Now for my own tangent:

I was the eldest child, so I definitely felt my share of said pressure while growing up. Fortunately, my parents have become a lot more relaxed over the years. It is not that their expectations for me and my siblings have changed, however, but more that they have come to terms with the fact that we are in charge of our own lives. Lucky me for having such supportive parents, right? Well here is my situation: I've been dating a white guy for a few months now. My parents are not the problem--I am. I identify myself very strongly as Asian-American. I am proud of my cultural heritage and desperately want to keep it. I've already seen it diluted, despite the best efforts of my parents--I only know Chinese at a very conversational level and my youngest sibling can barely speak Chinese, much less read or write it at all. So my ideal has always been to find another nice Chinese American guy to eventually raise Chinese speaking, Chinese American kids with. Of course, most people will throw their ideals out the window when they meet someone that they click with and for the most part I have. However, I still haven't fully reconciled with the fact that I might become one of those "whitewashed" Asians that I've always sort of looked down upon for turning away from their heritage. So, it is me that can't fully accept my own relationship, while my parents are a-okay with it. Can anyone say parallel universe???

The issues you are dealing with are the ones every person from a "peasant" (non-industrialized) culture deals with. These cultures are heavily family-centric. Whereas industrialized societies are more indivual-centric.

So if you want to date/have a relationship with someone from the old-world you want to make sure these folks have individuated. By this I don't mean have a job, live independently etc. It means that he must allow himself to be "selfish" and take care of his needs, at the expense of his parents needs. Something you may already have done as an adolescent. Balancing these two is something we spend a lifetime doing, but you should be able to have enough overlap in this regard to become a strong unit.

Unfortunately sometimes when you individuate you lose the safety-net of family and their larger culture, and rely more on yourself and your partner. Is he prepared to do this? The pressure on the two of you is greater, so your relationship has to be solid. You need more than being in love or inertia. When stresses occur in your relationship, he will rely on his family and friends for help, as will you but he will to a greater degree. So since you're both from "different worlds" you have to figure this out now.

Sigh, if you ever check this thing again [unlikely, I know].

Erm, get a profile or something, and post a reply to this...

You have the same g.d. life perspective as I do on this matter. Would be terribly curious to know a bit more about you.