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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I was defending Cary from semi-literate twerps like you. But never mind.
Nice. real nice. (no, not really)Your problem is that you attack the person not the issue by calling people twerps and other things. Actually, you sound like those big, ugly bullies who are the fright of the schoolyard, because you are so big from having been kept back. Well, keep it up.
Cary's a big boy. He can defend himself. How very macho of you to think it's your job to come to his defense. By the way, iss this a crush or are you a potential stalker?
Dear LW:
Your Chinese boyfriend is practicing an 'ancient Chinese secret' known 'round the world by males of all nationalities:
Why buy a cow when you get your milk for free?
Now, many women and wannabe sensitive men will write back attacking the rudeness of the phrase...and miss the point in the process. The truth holds. He will never marry you unless all the benefits of marriage are kept on that side of the fence. He can cover the bills, he enjoys your company when he's not around his parents, and the fucking is better than not fucking. Explain again why he'd want to change this arrangement that you have chosen to participate in? You whine, you protest, and yet there you are, sharing his bed.
When your IQ finally reaches room temperature, you'll know what to do.
>We ladies have made it way too easy for men to not have to bother to take us seriously, never mind cherish us. They dress up their reasons for keeping us at arm's length all kinds of ways: "I don't need a piece of paper," "I'm not ready yet," "I have to stay with my wife for my kids' sake," or in this case, "my parents won't like it." If we weren't so expendable, so pathetically easy to replace, there'd be a lot less of this. It comes in all colors, but it all adds up to one sad reality:
The sexual revolution has been one lousy deal for women.<
If you don't take yourself seriously enough to know when you are being jerked around; if you lose yourself to love to the point you have no identity, _you_ are the one giving yourself the lousy deal. Some men have been using excuses since the dawn of time to avoid marriage--the sexual revolution didn't change that.
It's quite sad, really, that in his 40's the boyfriend still cannot live his life openly for fear of his parent's reaction. He may feel like he can wait it out until his parents have gone to their reward, at which point he will start to live. Bad plan, of course. They may live to be 100, and he may die at 50. The real danger here, though, is that the boyfriend shares his parents' attitudes about the LW on some deeper level, and that there will always be resentment at not having an heir, etc. which will eventualy poison the relationship. So I think, in answer to the LW's question, she has a real basis to feel insecure.
I see no point in the LW threatening to tell the parents, much less carrying out the threat. It's the boyfriend's duty to do this, primarily to signify his commitment to the relationship.
One thing to consider: the stakes may be higher for the boyfriend than the LW realizes.
Been there, done that. Married a European-American and ended up disowned, much to the surprise of my spouse, who had hoped to charm my parents into acceptance. Didn't happen. Fast forward ten years and a divorce. My folks still refuse to acknowledge me. What makes it difficult is that they're now going through terminal illness. As it is, I don't have any siblings, so this makes for a less than ideal situation for everyone.
Not all Asian families reject their offspring for entering a multiethnic relationship, and the ones that do may do so to varying degrees. Yes, the boyfriend's family is being racist. No, the LW doesn't have to accept that. But she does have to accept the possibility that she may be asking her boyfriend for a much larger sacrifice than she realizes, especially if he currently has a good relationship with his parents. She sees it as a matter of "standing up" for her. For him, it could mean losing his family (to say nothing of going against at least part of his cultural values), and this could have reverberations throughout his entire extended family. Particularly as his parents grow older and start needing assistance.
How can one explain this experience to those who cannot conceive of it?
Blood isn't always thicker than water. Given an absolute either/or choice, are most people sure which they'd choose?
Ultimately, it sounds as if neither the LW nor the parents can understand or accept the other's cultural values or POV. The boyfriend's stuck in the middle, as both sides make demands of him. This could potentially turn into a rather unpleasant lose-lose situation. If the LW finds her current situation intolerable, it may be a good idea for her to let the relationship cool off, at least for the time being. Forcing the issue may cause more problems than she realizes, and may not be worth it.
Dear LW,
As someone whose mother is Asian, let me offer you my perspective. You need to decide whether YOU are in this relationship for the long haul. If you are one of these people, who quickly fall in love and jumps off the ship at the first sign of trouble, I recommend you leave this relationship immediately. There's nothing wrong if you are one of these people, but being part of an Asian family will make leaving quickly after a relationship falls apart very difficult. It's even worse if you decide to get married and have children. You will never get rid of the in-laws, even if you divorce, if they become attached to the children.
One of the problems you boyfriend is facing is the common prejudice that Caucasians are quick to divorce and dissolve family ties. The divorce rate in the US only serves to confirm this impression. In essence, his family will apply all sorts of pressure to get you to leave even if you boyfriend faced up to them. They will remind him of that family ties in the US are effervescent everytime they see him. They might even throw beautiful younger women at him. How? "Oh, dear son, could you please show this new college student around town?" "Could you drive her to this town that's four hours away?" They will get his friends to collude with them. In short, they will do anything to get you to leave. You have to expect this. But if you "date" long enough before you get married, they may begin to respect you. I'm talking "years" here, not months.
In general, "living" with anyone who you are not married to is look down upon by most traditional Asian families, whether they are Buddhists, Christians, or Daoists. Personally, I and my other female Asian American friends think an individual's personal relationship is no one else's business. Of course, I (and my friends) have been raised in the U.S. for most of our lives. The usual method of my friends is, in fact, to keep personal relationships secret for as long as possible if a family uproar over the person in question will start a feud that could last for decades. What will be accomplished if your boyfriends gets into screaming matches with his parents? What if they don't scream, but sob and cry when they call him on the phone? Also it's possible that his mother will be blamed for his conduct and will lose social standing in their community. You will end up with a very depressed boyfriend who will feel he has disappointed his parents.
I have several friends who are Chinese-American. They decided to date someone of a different Asian race, like Thai or Korean. Yes, their familes were very upset. My friends first lived with their SOs in secret; however, at family gatherings, they would invite their SOs so that their famlies could get to know them. At first, their parents wouldn't even speak to their SOs. You have to start with the nicer members of the family and build up a trust. After one or three years, the couples told their families that they were living together. Eventually after several more years, they are now married. How long did it take in total? 6 to 10 years.
Finally, I think you should make a conscious effort to learn more about his culture. Don't just read "The Good Earth" by Pearl S. Book and assume you know everything there is to know about Asian culture based on one book. Read current travel guides like Lonely Planet and Rough Guides. Learn the region and city your boyfriend's parents came from originally. Look at those guidebooks's recommended reading lists. Read as many of those books as you can and discuss them with your boyfriend. Eventually plan a trip with him back to visit his family. In essence, be very, very prepared. If you have enough faith and determination and courage, this relationship can work.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
