will often require that the people directly involved mute their respective best case desires (their druthers). This is done, mechanistically speaking, in the interest of furthering the romantic involvement. There are reasonable limits to such muting of druthers. Outside of such reasonable limits is the denial of simple physical truths. Wearing a bikini to a funeral is a reasonably muted desire; existence is not. My behaviour we can discuss; my existence - not negotiable.

Your situation is easy. Now, try being a guy married to a Jewish woman and asking for a blow job. There's a REAL relationship problem!

a romantic involvement is fundamentally damaged when one of its members denies it even exists

"Dear Reader," yeah, I hear you, Cary -- I was wondering how you kept on keeping on with the abyss yawning at your feet in the form of those really ugly letters (all generated by one sicko at a bank of computers?). I don't want that buzzard at my back door, so sign me

I know what LW's boyfriend is going through. He is being cowardly and he needs to make up his mind. You are both in your 40s for chrissakes make up your mind about what you want already. I am an Indian by birth but I've lived nearly a third of my life in the US and I don't really feel an affinity for one of the other nation or to either culture. As such I am forging and plan to forge ahead with a new culture that will have to inevitably resolve issues and encompass both cultures and keep the peace in my life.

A few years back I was in a short relationship with a white girl and as such was not sure how I would introduce her to my parents. But, as it turned out I didn't have to and we broke up quite soon after I started contemplating the question. But one of the things that I got out of it was that I resolved never to introduce my "girlfriends" until I'm sure I've met the one that will be my wife. I do intend to get married at some point if that means anything to anybody. As such the parents can put all kinds of pressure on their immigrant son but it will come to nought if the boy is a strong personality.

Asian families are very patriarchal and as such women might wield a lot of power over the younger members but if the son is strong enough he can change the balance of power in the family. The LW's boyfriend must make a decision and she should push him, not blackmail him into telling his parents. She should push him to make a decision. It sounds as if the LW herself is not sure whether she wants to be with this boyfriend of hers. If she is sure then push him to introduce her to his parents, push him to become a part of his family, push him to integrate their lives into his family's. That is the only way to bring this to a resolution. Family is a good thing, don't try to break it up by bringing unusual and unresolvable tensions. Work through the family system to find happiness. Ultimately, the parents might not accept you completely but they will come around to the fact that their son has chosen a path.

Also, by pushing him you will find out if he is interested in you and meeting your goals. Otherwise, you can choose to stay with him quid-pro-quo or leave him. Family is important, do not undermine family's importance. Individuality is possible in the family, it requires strong characters and a strong relationship to make things work. Nobody said LOVE is a walk in the park. It requires work, understanding and compromises. That's reality!

I get the feeling all this angst about the parents knowing or not knowing they're living together is just a smokescreen for what the LW doesn't want to admit is really bothering her -- which is: This guy is never going to marry her.

I'm a caucasian man with an Asian-American girlfriend; to make me even more evil, she's the youngest in her family (her mother still refers to my GF as "her little baby", even at 38). What worked for us probably directly won't for you; two of her sisters got married, one to a caucasian man and the other to a Chinese-American man. The former is terribly obnoxious; the latter is downright rude and insulting to my GF's parents, and abusive (physically and emotionally) to my GF's sister. I've always tried to be respectful, patient, inobtrusive & listen more than talk when visiting, to dispel the image of overbearing whites who just want to hear themselves talk. Over the years they've come to accept me, even like me. It shocked my GF when her father sat down with me after a meal and we talked about family, cooking (one of our mutual loves), travel, and all sorts of smalltalk that makes you feel at home. It does help that we all have great similarities in family backgrounds; 6 kids in both our families, mine were immigrants from Italy, and great big family gatherings where enough food was made to feed a small country.

The best "tactic" was that, really; to concentrate on the similarities. We're not all that different. We sometimes let ourselves believe that isn't true, and there's enough folks who want it to be true, but that doesn't mean I have to buy it lock, stock & barrel.

(It probably helped that my GF's father always considered Italians & Italian culture exotic & cool... fetishization can go both ways).

But... it still took many years. We celebrate our 17th year together in a few weeks, and to be honest I've only truly felt welcome for the last 5-6 years.

Best of luck to you both.

LeCastor:

I find that the fastest route to understanding

social change is to read the explanations of Anthropology,

on how and why ambiguities occur between 'traditional'

social structures, and those based on the primacy of

the 'individual': --ie the evolutions, the liberations, the

declared freedoms, the legal reforms, etc which

have occured in the last 50 yrs or so.

Without parroting anthropology 101, (we insist on

ignoring the known, and even the obvious, when these

ambiguities arise), --I' ll list a few points:

Long before we evolved from the primal muck (soup)

2 needs dominated, (and still do, on an hour to hour basis):

Food and sex. (so obvious, that a forest of fig leaves

are applied to 'pretty up' the story, to assuage our

monumental vanities). --Dragging home a rhino hind

quarter, our neolithic guy is looking for companionship,

and he has the advantage.

--Much later, 3 guys (unemployed shamans probably)

deceided to start one of those newfangled "religions"

Hmmm, they wondered, (with utter sincerity),

How to Fix the rules, &.... uh.... the Benefits.

They knew anthropology 101, because they were

living it. Food 'n Sex they mused: Food 'n Sex.

So they built a House deco'd in DisneyLithic.

--They reasoned that the Guys had all the Food

concessions, owned all the Territory, and had

a fearsome Gang of wanabees to enforce their

privilages. So the three guys dropped over

to a hot forest clearing, and over fermented

fruit served (au main), by newbile, 'fertile&ready'

staff, made 'The DEAL' (/the 'Fix'): "We will

Skew All the 'religious' rules in favour of

guys, (and you guys rule all the other guys), in

exchange for protection, and a slice of the

hommages and tributes. The guys will have

guaranteed sex (even the most perverse).

and Control the Food completely.

We have Spin guys cooking the myths

and legends into Cloud 9 and live BBQ's.

Well, this really took off. Marriages, Tribal

alliegences PO (pecking order) customs,

--all of it was mashed together like flour

and suger, but Always with the Guys

at the Top. It worked.

Years later, people from 'GuysFirst' religions

and nations and some EuroRetros, found themselves

in 'MeFirst' countries, hanging out with the

locals, to the utter confusion and distress of

both.

Finally they all said the Hell with it, and ordered a

humungous pigout, ----went home (together),

and hit the sack. In the afterglo, the cinnamons

and vanillas and mellowYellows and chocolates

and 99 other flavours realized that this is how

it all started: foodnsexfoodnsexfood, (sigh),

That is how the whole species survived, not

just yourtribe/mytribe. That is how 57

varieties of loving, fused to nice and spiced

---They all lived 'Happily ever After' (sort of)

"----Hey Hon, .............Whats to eat ?????"

**Apologies, still solving edit problems**