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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
We Chinese men, particularly if raised outside of China, have it drummed in our heads that our parents sacrificed so much to give us the easy life we take for granted now. To not honour their wishes would be tantamount to betrayal. Although on the surface their demands sound ludicrous, sometimes these parents aren't being monsters or selfish bastards, they just truly & earnestly believe they are acting in the best interest of their children, and doing so based on what they know - their culture, heritage & own upbringing. (leontan)
I believe the BF's parents would have the same problem if he were living with a "more assimilated" Chinese woman -- even a Chinese woman who had been adopted and raised by American parents.
It's hard for someone with an exclusively American upbringing to understand, the loyalty to one's family that is nurtured in the East. People have touched on this, but here in the U.S., the most important thing in one's life is supposed to be the individual: everything else is second place. There is nothing wrong with this.
In the East, the most important thing is family -- past, present and future. Everything you do is for the family -- and there is nothing wrong with this either; it's a different way to live. A different focus, if you will.
People born into these two different cultures/mindframes, sometimes believe that their way of life is absolute -- how can anyone live differently.
The BF's parents are probably afraid that this relationship with LW will cause them to lose their son. They are probably thinking, How can LW understand our family? Will she honor us?
It may not be fair, but if the LW loves and honors her BF, she will stick around and find ways to show her future in-laws (if that's in the cards) that she respects them, that she loves her BF AND his family. Eventually, they will get it. She must lead by example.
It may not be fair that she has to do this by virtue of where she born, but the reality is -- there is so much that the BF and his family has had to deal with -- by virtue of where THEY were born. It's the least she can do if she really loves him...
This situation is completely degrading to the woman in question. She is living with a man who is hiding her from his parents, won't make a commitment, and refuses to give her the respect and dignity she deserves, while he dances around and stalls.
We can discuss cultural issues all day, but the upshot is that this situation is unacceptable and is not the behavior of a man who truly loves and values his woman.
If I were her I would be either packing a bag or changing the locks on the door as we speak.
This man is using this American woman to sow his wild oats. That's all it boils down to. If he wanted, he could pursue a woman that was acceptable to his parents -- but the rub is that he couldn't have the no-strings, live-in relationship with her.
The secrecy of this relationship is demeaning to the LW. And she shouldn't try to win his family's favor -- it's a long shot that she ever would. This relationship is just a waste of time.
Another poster wrote that the BF is conflicted because it has been drummed into him that he must please his parents, but he "loves" this woman and doesn't want to lose her.
I would disagree with this. To me, love is what is wanting what is best for one's partner. Love is putting her best interest and dignity above one's own desires. By hiding this woman and refusing to treat her with dignity and respect, he is showing that he does not love her, but probably just enjoys the free sex, domestic support, and companionship.
Love is not what we feel, it is what we do.
bonita said: "it sounds like she's putting to him the ultimate test: them or me? which is unfair and selfish. if you love someone, you don't make him choose."
Wow. That statement really hit the nail on the head for me. A fair number of letters here exude a "me, me, me" attitude, focusing on ultimatums and judgment, advising that, since the boyfriend has not told his parents about her, he clearly has no balls and she should leave him right away. These responses display only love of one's self and intolerance of anything that falls short of that "I should have it all" ideal. True love is not like that. True love is unselfish and giving, understanding and kind. This man's parents are an inescapable part of him. He is a product of a culture where "honor thy mother and father" is not just lip service but, rather, an ingrained part of his soul. He has known them for his entire life, while he has only known you only a fraction of that time. And yet, despite this, he has chosen to be with you. He is living with you. If you truly love him, should you force him to choose between his parents and you, his love, with no room for both? Or should you instead acknowledge the importance of his parents in his life and try to lessen the gap between you and them, understanding that this is no simple task but, rather, one that will take years? If you and he truly love each other, you will not demand. You will instead intertwine and adapt and find a way to let that light shine through, growing ever stronger throughout your lives.
both these people are in their forties, for heavens sake. most people are thinking of college costs for their kids and these 'adults' are worried what their mommy and daddy will think of their live in arrangements? hey , grow up... the parents are long gone here as being insulted or worried. retirement beckons i am sure as a more urgent concern. this is the silliest letter yet.
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