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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Run into many artists bitching and whining about their misunderstood genius?
Or did you just linger too long in the shower hoping to see what a man with real balls looks like?
"As I said, the genius is in the form. So back to what works: one letter, one problem, one answer." --Cary Tennis
Perhaps it would be best if you stopped tooting your own genius horn and allowed others to weigh in on whether or not hosting an advice column on a minor website qualifies as any form of genius.
Hi-
I'm also white woman who has dated a few Asians before. There are so few WF/AM relationships to look towards as examples. Thus it is difficult to extrapolate large trends or patterns in such pairings.
Nonetheless, I've been in a relatively similar position before. FWIW, you can find many stories online of heartbroken white women who dated Indian men until the guys went on a trip back to India and returned married to wives the parents had picked out.
I dare say, a good number of Asian men simply don't have the balls to stand up to their parents. The whole "white women are slutty and unsuitable wife material" seems to be a recurring theme.
Well, if we are "too slutty" for them, then they are spineless, unchivalrous jerks not worthy of us.
I agree 100% with Cary's advice. Give him a week to make up his mind. If he can't pick you over mommy + daddy, get rid of him immediately. You deserve a man that loves you enough to stand up for you, not a little boy hiding in the form of a 40 y.o.
My sympathies are with you, darling.
.. to all the loving kindness in the world? People, if you don't like to read, then don't read, and stop the mean-ness!!
i must disagree with cary on one point: do not marry this man for any other reason than that you love him and he loves you and you both want to be married to each other. do not get married because of his parents' issues. you and your partner are both likely to outlive his parents. letting their angst push you into making decisions, whether for or against their wishes, is giving them too much power.
I am a white woman married to an Asian man. We are happy and his parents accepted me, but we've had our share of inlaw troubles. In many Asian cultures the family is organized in a hierarchy according to age/ gender. The father is at the top of the totem pole and the daughter-in-law is the lowest-ranked person in the family. This is very deeply ingrained, and his parents' desires will probably always trump yours. (Of course this depends on how assimilated into American culture he is. And I'm making sweeping generalizations. But bear with me.) In American culture we think that the husband/wife relationship should come before the relationship with parents, but in Asian cultures it's the other way around. That said, if your relationship is going to work, he will have to stand up to his parents. I think giving him a timeline is a good idea, but realize that if you do stay together, this is probably going to be an ongoing issue in your marriage.
A couple of other things you should think about:
1) Many Asian parents expect their children to give them money every month.
2) Many Asian parents expect to live with their children in retirement.
Also, I don't think it's fair to call him "cowardly and infantile". He is following the rules of his culture, and you are following the rules of yours. You will both have to adapt.
I just had to respond to the person who said that Asian men and white women can't work. I'm in my late 20s, and the child of an Asian man and a white woman. Their marriage was strong and still is. It has always worked. My mom was always accepted. Now one of my Asian relatives is with a black woman, and that is working too.
This situation in this letter sounds like its problematic. But there are plenty of Asian men who don't have these issues.
A friend (actually, current gf, to be explicit) had this with a guy she dated -- Indian, not Asian, but similar reasons for secrecy (in his case, not ageism and racism, just racism.) More commonly, I'd imagine, it's the black person joining a white family.
I disagree that you should give him a pass (or even a temporary pass) because he's "going along with his culture." Respect of this basic a form is transcultural, it's not like which fork you eat the fish with.
LW, you two are in your forties and you're playing house instead of getting married? Has it occurred to you that HE's the one who sees you as temporary and is using the parental disapproval as an excuse to keep things that way?
I think Cary hit the nail on the head here. It's not about how the situation SHOULD occur. It's about how it IS. These two are living in 2 different cultures, and BOTH cultures need to be acknowledged. I agree strongly with CT about the parents possibly having greater influence on their son, than the girlfriend. While not common in my own family (I am Asian-American), many of my friends who are also Asian-American have parents who are traditionally minded and would possibly react as the LW's in-laws are, though not to that extent. This is particularly true in less Americanized Chinese cultures.
Nice to see that you're back, Cary!
You versus a whole culture? Specifically, you versus an immigrant (and thus tenaciously clung to and far more traditional) culture?
You can't win.
I know that might be hard to hear. There are hints in your letter of you being what others might call an "winner" in other parts of your life. Cross-cultural dating at 40; boyfriend OK with your child; these are things that "winners" have and do.
But you can't win against the combined might of both his parents and their shared culture -- because you've defined "winning" as "them accepting things they can't accept".
Try defining winning in other terms and see if you can accept them. How would accepting their rejection of you until they die grab you? I mean they are old! Could you live with that?
What about ending the relationship -- because you truly do love this guy and want to "set him free" to be the good Asian son -- a role that he was, literally, born and bred to play? Could that be a "win"?
Of course there is another "win" condition -- but this one might offend you, so fair warning. Are you fertile? Set about delivering a son, and you might be able to "win".
Sorry, wish I had words of encouragement about true love winning over culture -- but I've seen many people go down that road you're on -- but I've never seen a victory in the terms you seem to want.
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