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Dear LW,
As someone whose mother is Asian, let me offer you my perspective. You need to decide whether YOU are in this relationship for the long haul. If you are one of these people, who quickly fall in love and jumps off the ship at the first sign of trouble, I recommend you leave this relationship immediately. There's nothing wrong if you are one of these people, but being part of an Asian family will make leaving quickly after a relationship falls apart very difficult. It's even worse if you decide to get married and have children. You will never get rid of the in-laws, even if you divorce, if they become attached to the children.
One of the problems you boyfriend is facing is the common prejudice that Caucasians are quick to divorce and dissolve family ties. The divorce rate in the US only serves to confirm this impression. In essence, his family will apply all sorts of pressure to get you to leave even if you boyfriend faced up to them. They will remind him of that family ties in the US are effervescent everytime they see him. They might even throw beautiful younger women at him. How? "Oh, dear son, could you please show this new college student around town?" "Could you drive her to this town that's four hours away?" They will get his friends to collude with them. In short, they will do anything to get you to leave. You have to expect this. But if you "date" long enough before you get married, they may begin to respect you. I'm talking "years" here, not months.
In general, "living" with anyone who you are not married to is look down upon by most traditional Asian families, whether they are Buddhists, Christians, or Daoists. Personally, I and my other female Asian American friends think an individual's personal relationship is no one else's business. Of course, I (and my friends) have been raised in the U.S. for most of our lives. The usual method of my friends is, in fact, to keep personal relationships secret for as long as possible if a family uproar over the person in question will start a feud that could last for decades. What will be accomplished if your boyfriends gets into screaming matches with his parents? What if they don't scream, but sob and cry when they call him on the phone? Also it's possible that his mother will be blamed for his conduct and will lose social standing in their community. You will end up with a very depressed boyfriend who will feel he has disappointed his parents.
I have several friends who are Chinese-American. They decided to date someone of a different Asian race, like Thai or Korean. Yes, their familes were very upset. My friends first lived with their SOs in secret; however, at family gatherings, they would invite their SOs so that their famlies could get to know them. At first, their parents wouldn't even speak to their SOs. You have to start with the nicer members of the family and build up a trust. After one or three years, the couples told their families that they were living together. Eventually after several more years, they are now married. How long did it take in total? 6 to 10 years.
Finally, I think you should make a conscious effort to learn more about his culture. Don't just read "The Good Earth" by Pearl S. Book and assume you know everything there is to know about Asian culture based on one book. Read current travel guides like Lonely Planet and Rough Guides. Learn the region and city your boyfriend's parents came from originally. Look at those guidebooks's recommended reading lists. Read as many of those books as you can and discuss them with your boyfriend. Eventually plan a trip with him back to visit his family. In essence, be very, very prepared. If you have enough faith and determination and courage, this relationship can work.
