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• Wednesday, February 7, 2007 03:16 AM

  It Can Work

  I have been married to an Asian psychiatrist for ten years. His parents objected to me from the start, but my husband has always taken a clinical stance. I was more important to him than they were, and while he never directly confronted them, he has always put me first. They did not attend our wedding, and have ignored my two daughters from a previous marriage. My husband simply refused to play into the drama. He spoke to them on the phone on birthdays, and that was it. Lately, they have come around a bit more. Recently, we have attended some of their social functions....his sister's piano concert, his parents' 50th anniversary celebration. His father is always polite to me, but his mother never misses a chance to take a dig at the White Slut she thinks I really am. I try to rise above her snipping, because we are happily married and have learned to accept their attitude as part of the baggage that comes with relationships formed in later years.

  LW, you are not "just insecure". There are serious issues at hand here. Studies show that it takes three generations for an immigrant family to assimilate into American culture. Your BF sounds like he's less assimliated than my husband, who is also first generation. I have never given him a child of his own, but he's happy being a father to mine. The road blocks which his parents threw up were never an obstacle for him, because he loves me with all his being. While their attitude has caused us pain at times, we chose to focus on the partnership and love we share. I don't know if your BF is that mature. If he cannot distance himself from his parents' yammering about his role in fulfilling their expectations, then you will always be second fiddle. I couldn't live with that, but you have to decide if that's a deal breaker for your peace of mind. BTW, his sister married an African American, which really sent them around the bend! You might want to rent or read JOY LUCK CLUB to see an in depth study of the complex Chinese family system.

  Cary's advice about telling the truth may be the first step in letting them know that as a couple, you will not be manipulated by their cultural and emotional demands.

  —Catbird Read Catbird's other letters
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