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• Wednesday, February 7, 2007 10:07 AM

  strike a balance

  I'm an overseas Chinese living in an Asian country (as in not living in mainland China, Taiwan or Hongkong), and although your situation is an American setting, I can't help but see the same patterns out here as well, i.e. Chinese parents unaccepting of non-Chinese spouses/partners.

  I didn't marry a Chinese btw (neither did my only sibling), and I had to fight to gain my parents' understanding & acceptance of my non-Chinese fiancee. Things got a lot better after the marriage and when the grandkids came along, to the point that when it was my brother's turn to take a non-Chinese bride, he had it real easy.

  However, I do feel that it's a little unfair to say that this guy hasn't the balls to stand up for her.

  We Chinese men, particularly if raised outside of China, have it drummed in our heads that our parents sacrificed so much to give us the easy life we take for granted now. To not honour their wishes would be tantamount to betrayal. Although on the surface their demands sound ludicrous, sometimes these parents aren't being monsters or selfish bastards, they just truly & earnestly believe they are acting in the best interest of their children, and doing so based on what they know - their culture, heritage & own upbringing.

  This guy might actually be a brave, bold & principled man. And ironically, perhaps that's exaclty why he's in a pickle - his principles tell him not to dishonour his mother & father - and yet he loves this woman too.

  I too struggled with not only the Chinese culture I was raised in, but also ideas & values picked up in other environments (including a Western education). I've resolved to take just take the positives of both worlds, and work on a balance. It doesn't work out all the time, but it's the best I can do with what I've got.

  My suggestion though, is that the couple should approach the parents, and with great warmth, resolution, love & tenderness, demonstrate that this is good for THE FAMILY, that the foundation built by his parents will not be subverted simply because a non-Chinese has entered the house gates.

  From my experience, nothing will make a Chinese father & mother more proud than seeing their filial son, rising to his full measure as a man, making this stand with love & respect not only for them but also the woman he's chosen to love. They've raised him well.

  And that's universal, I think.

  —leontan Read leontan's other letters
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