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• Wednesday, February 7, 2007 07:22 AM

  Another perspective

  I am really surprised at the racisim and intolerance in some of these responses. I have had some similar problems with my Chinese Mother-in-law. She has made comments about me that are not flattering, expects me to clean up the dinner table while my husband sits there, etc. But she is an old woman. Do I really expect her to change? No. I accept her for her limitations because she is family. My parents make some ignorant comments about Chinese culture as well that I try to gently correct. My husband doesn't expect them to change either. In the end, I want my daughter to grow up knowing both of her families.

  LW, I suggest you spend some time getting to understand your boyfriend's family and their cultural traditions. Work with your boyfriend to see how he can start to integrate you into his family. What does he think the primary hangup is? If it is language, perhaps you can try to take some courses in Mandarin or Cantonese and the family may be happy to see that you are making an effort. If it is grandchildren, then you and your boyfriend need to decide whether you want to have children together.

  Also, you don't mention your family. How do they feel about your relationship? Maybe you are not close to your parents and don't care about their opinion? If that is the case, then this may also be the root of your impatience with your boyfriend. If not, are there some things that your boyfriend can do to make this situation easier for you?

  In any case, perhaps this situation is a gift to you. You have a chance to examine your relationship with your boyfriend and decide how much you are willing to compromise in order to make his family happier. If the answer is none, then maybe you don't want this relationship badly enough. The same goes for your boyfriend. If he is not willing to at least tell his parents the truth about your relationship and make some changes then perhaps this relationship is not important enough to him.

  —jnestor Read jnestor's other letters
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