Read other letters about this article

• Wednesday, February 7, 2007 03:24 AM

  An alternate view

  The consensus seems to be that the parents are being racist and need to treat people the same, regardless of race. I offer a dissenting view.

  Perhaps it is their wish to have a Chinese daughter in law with whom they can speak Chinese. Many first generation immigrants do not speak the language well, because they had been working night and day in their family shop, and did not have the benefit of free time for education. So they gave best to the contract they knew: sacrifice for the children because they are not separate from you. Nurture them because they are part of you.

  So children grow up and find that they live in another cultural milleu, where they are expected to be individuals. Their contract states that they can only respect themselves if they break away from the parents. They signed up to the older contract without having any say and denigrated by others in the US if they understand and live up to what they had brought up in.

  So parents are old, and they begin to wish to be able to have a family in which everyone can talk to each other at the breakfast table where the chasm between the daughter in law and themselves seem bridgeable. A wish in the immigrant family for someone that talks like them is not always about ideas about Western women. It may surprise you to know that many Asian parents feel inferior to the white customers many serve everyday. No, this can be about wanting to remain connected to the children.

  This is not to say that children must live solely for the parents. They too must make difficult choices, but it is not easy. And, they must first understand their parents not as evil but as people struggling to remain connected and be loved.

  My father is one such "ogre" who has refused to accept my brother's girlfriend. My husband to be is German, but he is accepted. I have been disowned in my youth for the same reason. In many Asian families, we remain connected in deep and profound ways, and some of us grow and change within. We do have a different culture, even from non-immigrant Asians.

  So LW, insisting on the truth is good, but first find out what the real truth is. It is such a stereotype, you know, the ogre parents and the wronged foreigner.

  —parents are not the problem
  Permalink
  Flag
  Click "Submit Flag" if you feel this post is inappropriate. Explain why below if you wish.

  Cancel